George Pelletier

Here’s to Mad Dog dreams and Hostess Twinkie wishes! A birthday celebration has spawned as we speak: Ebay in enjoying its silver anniversary. Oh, how we’ve grown.

For a quarter of a century, eBay has helped us rid ourselves of unwanted gifts without ever having to awkwardly ask the friend who gave it to you for the receipt. Who amongst us hasn’t sold an item of clothing on there that we forgot to return after the exchange period terminated? And trust me, that gold flame unitard that you found in an unmarked bin in the basement just made a strange man in Peoria a very happy ballerina.

The joys of shopping in your underpants have never been more awesome. And disturbing, but undoubtably likely.

Ebay isn’t just Pig Latin for the word, “be.” For me, it’s completely Latin most of the time. Alas, I confess, I’m a sucker for eBay. Not necessarily buying up stuff on there (I do) or buying more stuff on there since the stay-at-home order started (I have).

What mostly fascinates me is what you can purchase on there to have to have for your very own. Wanna buy a 1983 DeLorean DMC 12 from “Back to the Future” fame? No problem. I found one selling for $51K. Kilos of cocaine in trunk not included.

Do you like to collect old Pringles cans? Then, you’re very weird. But not alone. Someone on eBay does and is selling a lot for $25. Some cans were empty, some still had product in them. And that seller uses lots of exclamation points to describe them! He thinks they’re exciting! I say, very sad! (I can’t believe I just channeled Donald Trump!)

Some of the weirdest items that should have never seen daylight, sought redemption on eBay and found it. Here are just a few oddities that people posted – and sold to some poor, I mean, lucky sap, I mean soul.

Cheese and rice! How about a grilled cheese bearing the image of the Virgin Mary, sold for a staggering $28,000 in 2004? I’ll bet those apocalyptic Pringles would go great with a sandwich like this. Supposedly, the grilled cheese is said to have magical powers and was left untouched by mold. Untouched by an angel is what I’m saying.

Life in the ‘duh’ lane: An Aussie put his “entire life” up for auction, which included his house, his belongings, a trial at his job and even an introduction to his friends. (Talk about buying friendship.) His “life” sold for $384,000. Australian accent not included, mate.

Where’s Monty Python when we need them? A North Carolina man discovered the meaning of life and opted to sell the mystery on eBay. It sold for $3.26. Shipping costs were out of this world. And the N.C. man? Out of his mind.

Pope for a dope: For a mere $1,209, a lucky bidder bought a Dorito shaped like the pope’s hat. And that buyer? Golden Palace Casino, the same winner who bought the Virgin Mary grilled cheese. Apparently, they’re quite the holy roller.

Casper, the friendly oaf: A jar that a man believed to contain a ghost was put up for auction on eBay because it was terrorizing its owner. The seller claimed that he would “not be held responsible” if the “black thing” escaped the jar and that “all sales are final.” After a number of bids, the jar sold for nearly $55K, but the buyer got spooked and never paid for the item in the end. Jinx on you.

Grandma got run over by a bid, dear: A 10-year old child from England tried to sell her grandmother on eBay, describing her grandmom as “annoying but cuddly.” The site had to take down the offer as it was breeching regulations on human trafficking. This kid will never see another tissue up a sleeve or a butterscotch candy again in her lifetime.

Rubber Duckie, you’re so dumb: Another haunted item hit the eBay bidding block – this time a rubber duck that had, according to its owner, the power to possess children. The duck sold for $107.50 to a little old lady who lived in England, I’m guessing.

Chew on this: A woman sold a piece of gum that popstar Britney Spears had chewed and spat out at a concert at Wembley Arena in 2000. The winning bid was $14,000. Hate to burst this buyer’s bubble, but I think they got (gum) smacked.

Imagine this: A 22-year old student put Bernard, her imaginary friend, up for sale on the advice of her obviously, very stable psychiatrist. The student described her friend as being in “very good health.” The student on the other hand, was about as sharp as a bowling ball.

Some assembly required: An “unassembled snowman” was posted by an enterprising chap attempting to make the most of some wintry weather. The seller posted the picture of his backyard.

Perhaps this man is in the study group of the woman selling her imaginary friend.

Name that goon: In 2009, an Arkansas woman decided to sell the rights to the name of her unborn child on eBay. Unfortunately, eBay was less than thrilled for this dumb deed and shut the auction down due to lewd names. The baby now goes by, “Hey you.”

Noggin floggin: A web designer from Nebraska auctioned the use of his forehead. He said he would have a non-permanent logo or brand name tattooed on his head for 30 days. After several bids, he received $37,375 to advertise the snoring remedy, SnoreStop. Had I known, I would have bid higher to sell my new all-organic lollipops. His head would have read, “Sucker.”

Liver smack: A Florida man auctioned off his own liver on eBay. The bid reached $5.7 million before it was taken down from the site, due to the fact that it’s illegal to sell human organs on eBay. I never sold an organ, but I did unload a piano. I sold it for a song.

Creepy ending: Decades ago, baseball great Joe DiMaggio sold his crypt above ex-wife Marilyn Monroe. A man bought the crypt and requested that he be buried face down, so he could gaze at Norma Jean for eternity. The man died, and his wife posted the crypt on eBay. Bidding reached near $5 million, but the deal fell through. Remarked the ghost of Monroe, “Like I need another guy on top of me.”