We’re a busy society. Work, the gym, family obligations. Basically, all things that I avoid.

So rather than delve deep into the onslaught of news of the week, I thought, in this ever-distracting world, I would break the news down into palatable morsels. Think of it as the news, fun-sized:

Blow me down: Newly installed panels from the US border wall fell over in high winds Wednesday, landing on trees on the Mexican side of the border. Mexico’s response: “I’m not paying for that.”

Clown prince: On Friday night, a vote to call witnesses in Donald Trump’s impeachment trial failed, bringing him one step closer to acquittal. So yesterday morning with that coo-coo voodoo that he-do so well, Trump tweeted that his supporters are turning out in record numbers, to see, “the greatest show on Earth.” Color me orange, but isn’t comparing your own personal appearance to that of a circus somewhat undermining credibility? And in true, big-top fashion, Trump tweeted, “WINNING AGAIN.” As for credibility, Trump tweeted, “That ship has sailed.”

Where’s Dick Nixon when we need him: In a follow-up story, famed Watergate journalist Carl Bernstein on Friday lamented “the violence done to the Constitution” by Senator Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, after Republican senators voted to block witnesses in the impeachment trial of Donald Trump, all but ensuring his acquittal over the Ukraine scandal. McConnell and “his craven Republicans” established a precedent “in which the president of the United States can do almost anything without being held accountable.” President Trump immediately responded by running with scissors, jumping up and down on his bed, stuffing coco puffs up his nose and prank calling Kim Jong-un to ask if he had Prince Albert in a can, to which the North Korean dictator said, “Yeah, we have him locked up. So what?”

Nothing but the tooth: A Georgia dentist who holds the Guinness World Record for the largest collection of toothpaste said his collection has grown to about 3,000 tubes. After his brush with greatness, massive confusion was reported, as many of those tubes are actually Preparation-H. Consequently, half the time, the man is talking out of his butt.

Hootnanny: Animal rescuers in Britain said an owl found stranded in a ditch was initially feared to be injured but turned out to be merely too fat to fly. In related news, Air Force One now has official weigh-ins before each flight.

Gator haters: Police in Florida responded to a shopping center to apprehend an alligator spotted doing some afternoon window shopping. Said the reptilian retail reveler, “I saw an alligator bag that I couldn’t refuse. It looked like my cousin Marvin.”

Dog eat dog: The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile got off with a warning after committing a traffic violation in Wisconsin. The Waukesha County Sheriff’s Department shared a photo of officers pulling over the hot dog-shaped vehicle, relishing the opportunity to point out that the driver simply didn’t pass the mustard.

Fishing expedition: Firefighters in Florida said a hazmat team responded to a gas station where a man filling up his boat confused a fishing pole holder for the gas tank. Confused but undeterred, the man promptly docked his boat in a local restaurant dining room, where he cast his line into an exotic fish tank.

Horse sense: Churchill Downs Racetrack, home of the Kentucky Derby, announced it is seeking an official menu taste tester to help finalize the list of dishes to be offered at this year’s race. Menu options include the “Quarter Horse Pounder,” the “Trigger Clam Digger,” plate and the most popular offering, the “Sea Biscuits with glue gravy.”

Mikey likes it: The U.K.’s Aviva has apologized after emailing thousands of customers and mistakenly calling them Michael. In a statement, the insurance company said, “Surely, you are all not named Michael.” Replied one red-faced Michael, “I am named Michael. And stop calling me Shirley.”

Recent poles: A south African man breaks pole-sitting record, by remaining 80 feet above ground for two months. Said the Polish man, “Hurry up, you’re getting heavy.”

Skeleton of fun: A motorist who plonked a skeleton in his passenger seat so he could use a high occupancy vehicle (HOV) lane has been fined. Arizona police said they had a bone to pick with the 62-year-old man after spotting the odd-looking companion in his front seat. Replied the man, “Don’t make fun of my wife.”

Don’t Boris with the details: Britain has left the European Union, bringing the curtain down on 47 years of membership. Almost four years on from the 2016 referendum, the UK ceased to be a member of the bloc at 11 p.m. on Friday. They were immediately asked to clean out their locker.

A nooner: A Canadian hotel is offering couples an unusual Valentine’s Day special with an even more unusual kicker – 18 years of free stays if the first stay leads to a baby. Will it be a girl? Or a bellboy?

Stoned-cold fact: The rapper Afroman famously sang about how getting high on marijuana prevented him from going to court.

A Tennessee man decided to combine the two when he lit a marijuana cigarette in the courtroom, authorities said. The judge immediately held the man in contempt, citing he was “bogarting the doobie.”

Prankly, my dear: A prankster took a swipe at Donald Trump and declared the U.S. Senate to be “dead” on its Wikipedia page after Senate Republicans voted to block witnesses from testifying in the impeachment trial of the president. A moderator called Flyboyrob2112 edited the Senate’s lengthy page introduction to just read: The United States Senate was formerly the upper chamber of the United States Congress, which, along with the United States House of Representatives – the lower chamber – comprised the legislature of the United States. It died on January 31, 2020, when senators from the Republican Party refused to stand up to a corrupt autocrat calling himself the president of the United States, refusing to hear testimony that said individual blackmailed Ukraine in order to cheat in the 2020 presidential election. The culprit, Flyboyrob2112, a.k.a. Melania Trump, could not be reached for comment.

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