The Olympics have gone from Ethiopian barefoot runner Abebe Bikila winning the gold in Rome in 1960, to the miracle on ice in 1980, as the men’s hockey team beat Finland for the goal and then Muhammed Ali lighting the Olympic torch in Atlanta in 1996, to the year 2020 Tokyo games, where football hits a deflation rate (no pro players were allowed to compete), and viewers can get ready for the thrill of the World Baseball Classic. Ring a bell? Doesn’t ring one for me, either.

Ping pong. I’d watch this if Forrest Gump could compete. But honestly, what about tweaking the game by removing the speed serves and adding some kegged beer and red Solo cups?

Karate makes an entry this year. I don’t know much about it, but I’d recommend calling Ralph Macchio. I’m sure he has plenty of time to explain it. I think there is some waxing on. And waxing off. Congratulatory hug from Elizabeth Shue not included. (And I said waxing off – please read that carefully.)

Wushu: It basically combines the grace of gymnastics with evil, sweeping leg kicks. I would like to make a wushu: please don’t make me watch this.

Waterskiing as a sport in the Olympics can’t possibly compete with the Go-Go’s music video for “Vacation.” That shows skiing. Olympic waterskiing without a squirrel either doing the skiing, or steering the boat, just sounds dull to me.

Then there’s its illegitimate love child, wakeboarding. Here, competitors score points by doing air tricks like “tootsie rolls” and “whirly birds.” I think drunk tubing has a better ring to it.

Can someone explain netball to me? I know what Netflix is, I realize that networking is important and I totally get that fishnet stockings don’t look bad on me. That said, netball is basketball with four more people on the court. Why not just play basketball? Because here, there’s no backboard. And every spectator wins a free basketball when it plows into the stands. Bricks, nothing but bricks.

If Paul Lynde ever invented an Olympic event, it just might have been dance sport. It’s dancing, as a sport. Try to keep up. Take one part “Electric Boogaloo,” a dash of “Xanadu,” a smidge of “Saturday Night Fever” and a healthy dose of one of the “Step Up,” movies, and you get this inane Olympic spectacle. Sure, there’s probably a Lindy Hop, a little cha-cha and some waltzing involved. Add a little slap and tickle, and I might just watch this borefest.

With a name like “bowls,” I thought this sport had something to do with bongs or cereal. Or the notion that some folks enjoy the first, then definitely the latter. However, bowls is basically bocce minus the suds, sandals or retirement home community.

Floorball is hockey without skates. Since the only people who play hockey without skates are prepubescent kids on tennis courts, this could be a fantastic contest for the Braidans and Caidens of the world. Have you ever watched a Bruins game and thought, hey, they can play this off the ice, too? No, they can’t. It’s like miming that you’re juggling. You look just look like you’re having a spastic episode.

Surfing may be gnarly but leave the tasty waves to the bowl athletes.

Airsports? How about air biscuits? (Wait: is that one of the moves, here?) If it happens in thin air, sort of like a fair and just impeachment trial, then airsports covers it. Ballooning, hang gliding and power kiting. Power kiting? If you garble that one and make it power knitting, we may now just have a contest. Take that, you cable stitching wannabes.

Bridge. For real? As in, sport jumping off a bridge? Selling that bridge of mine in Brooklyn? A dental insert? Nope. The card game bridge. Imagine how enraged the mahjongg community must be feeling.

Flying disc competition is perfect for the crunchy-granola hippy set, who are pissed that Hacky Sack didn’t make it into the games. Patchouli oil, tie-dye shirts and soul patches are encouraged but not mandated.

For every fourth-grader birthday boy and girl out there, who wants to be an Olympian, fear not: bowling is here. They really should add the day-glow effect and open bar tab. Bowling is simply fun and games until someone pinches their finger in the ball return thingy.

Roller sports. I would insist that there be a roller derby, but roller skating by itself just seems too wussy. Can it be paintball roller skating? I’m going to patent that immediately. And do they even make rollerblades anymore? And if so, do you have to wear cut-off acid wash jean shorts and a slap bracelet to ride?

Lastly my favorite, korfball. Like watching a Harry Potter movie on acid.

George Pelletier, who experimented and watched a Harry Potter movie only once in college, is reachable at gpelletier@nashuatelegraph.com.

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