T’was a few days before Christmas

And I went to the mall

When a jerk snagged by parking space

Nice holiday gall!

I braved the madness

Must have been out of my head

The people lugging their bags

Looked like the Walking Dead

I ventured to Macy’s

Had one last present to land

So, I stood in the line

With a large sweaty man

They were all out of sizes

One shirt looked like a tent

Hated shopping but now knew

What to give up for Lent

Trying to stay in the Christmas spirit

Is no easy task

Next time I’m out shopping

I’m bringing a flask

I’m fighting the crowds

While my loved one relaxes

Next time I’ll shop Amazon

Though they pay no federal taxes

My Christmas list grows longer

The end seems so far

I think it is time

To belly up to a bar

Now the shoppers here

Have hit the proverbial skids

Trading stories and coupons

While counting their kids

As the drinks flowed and flowed

I have one simple query

Who in the world said

There’s no rest for the weary?

But as the shoppers drank

Filling booths and the benches

They tossed back a last one

It was back to the trenches

Now I’m at Penneys

All the sales clerks are chirping

I had to a question to ask

But was too busy burping

Too bad store neatness

Has gone the way of the land lines

Shopping at Kohl’s

Is like walking through landmines

There is clothes everywhere

A thousand hangars are bare

If you’re looking for sizes

By your feet you should stare

Burlington Coat

Is another feast for the eyes

Real faux fur coats

From 1975

I try shopping local

There are so many hubs

But sadly and true

There are so many pubs

I get sidetracked so easy

Try shopping but cower

Because after all

It’s near happy hour

I’ll have just one beer

I must remain to be stable

If I drink ’til I’m full

I’ll be under the table

Next I’m at Walmart

What hell am I in?

Saw a girl dressed like Gaga

And a man, Gunga-Din.

There was a fellow in camos

He’s was either hiding or crazy

When his wife bellowed out

“Stop being so lazy!”

“We need toys for the kids

Grab that Star Wars druid

And while you’re at it

Pick up some washer fluid”

Next came the checkout

The future seemed dark

We were corralled by ropes

Are we boarding the ark?

That would explain

The human bunny behind me

Also the camoflauged man

Who yelled, “Honey come find me!”

My car now is full

Of presents and treats

Now I must soon deal

With the loons on the streets

They drive like its D-day

And the end of the world

They tailgate me and swerve

As my brows become furled

Just get me home in one piece

On that I do pray

For tomorrow is just one more

Infernal mall day

But remember dear friend

And I say this out loud

Creditors are circling

Like buzzards abound

Don’t use too much plastic

Bill collectors are mean

Be wise with your pennies

And shop with the green

As I say so long

Do not feel so holiday bluish

But I can tell you right now

I so wish I was Jewish

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