Those pesky holiday songs: Air sickness bag, anyone?
Oy vey. It’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, but I think I have had my fill of the holiday songs.
I don’t’ know why I should feel this way. They’ve only been blasting out of overhead store speakers since Halloween.
Enough already with the talking snowman and the flying reindeer.
Every time I hear the “Christmas Song,” by Alvin and the Chipmunks, I want to call an exterminator.
Add the 1979 novelty “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” (when I hear it, I wish I were covered in ticks) and the syrupy “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas,” (cute once, wait make that, never) to that sentiment.
Here are some others that went from great to grating (if we excluded the word “great” from that statement):
1. “Santa Claus Lane” by Hillary Duff. The dizzy “Lizzie McGuire” star hurled this track of toss-away pop that has enough sugar to it, it would probably rot the teeth on a hacksaw. Some time ago, the song was used on the soundtrack to the reindeer-dropping of a movie, “The Santa Clause 2.”
2. “8 Days of Christmas,” by Destiny’s Child. I know that riding on Beyoncé’s coattails must be exhausting, but you can’t even count to 12? (Why am I asking for more of this crud? If they really wanted to ring my bell, they could have counted to 38.)
3. “Must Be Santa,” by Bob Dylan. This year’s sign that the apocalypse is upon us, the Nobel prize-winning Dylan covers this children’s song, polka-style. Must be Santa? Must be a stoned record executive who thought this was a grand idea.
4. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” by Jimmy Boyd. Recorded in 1952, it’s a song about a little creep who spies on his mother getting busy with Santa. What’s more disturbing is Boyd’s voice, like he’s on both lithium and helium at the same time.
5. “Baby it’s Cold Outside,” by Dean Martin or anyone else for that matter. Broadway hitmaker Frank Loesser won an Oscar for this Cosby-era offensive song about a man using bad weather and a Benadryl cocktail to keep a woman hostage in his house during a snowstorm. It’s like if Harvey Weinstein starred as Annie Wilkes in “Misery.” You dirty bird!
6. “Christmas Shoes,” by Neil Diamond. Yes, the genius behind “Solitary Man,” and “Longfellow Serenade” wrote a holiday song about … shoes. This foot-fungus of a ditty turns me into a Grinch. Quick, spray the turn table with some fast actin’ Tinantin.
7. “Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas,” by John Denver. Hmmm. Does anyone else get the irony here? This hotbed of horse hockey features a holiday message for the masses. If you drink and fly experimental aircrafts, this song should not be played at AA meetings. Or else.
8. “Back Door Santa,” by Bon Jovi. This track ripped the ‘Jovi’ right out of jovial. A cover of Clarence Carter’s 1968 recording, this song is the perfect soundtrack is you’re a sex monger or just have really bad taste in cover tunes. I think the song is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. It’s more like the Kool Aid at Jonestown.
9. “The Little Drummer Boy,” by anyone. A small child rides shotgun with three wise men to visit the baby Jesus in the stable and then doesn’t want to work but rather bang the drum all day. Forget no room at the inn. No more kids there either, please. This is a manger, not Chuck-E-Cheese. Beat it. Or don’t, in this case.
10. “Oh, Come All Ye Faithful,” by Twisted Sister. Yes, we all know that aging rockers often cover a Christmas classic to look cool. Twisted Sister is about as cool and edgy as going to the Christmas dance with your sister.
11. “Mistletoe,” by Justin Bieber. This from the androgynous boy with the Moe haircut special from Supercuts who just might be able to start shaving any day now.
12. “Mary’s Boy Child,” by Boney-M. This Christmas carol is by Boney-M. Clearly, enough said.