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I’ll drink to that

By George Pelletier - Milford Bureau Chief | Sep 12, 2020

There are things we have all done when enjoying a cocktail or three.

Some are forgivable. Some are repugnant. Some are forgettable while others are forgettable. (See what I mean?) The following is a short list of tall tales (not really).

There is a rule of thumb: bars with restaurants, a plus, while restaurants without bars are probably Amish. Once, at a bar, I was signing the check. There was the line for the check total, the line for the tip and the line for the grand total at the bottom. Under tip, I wrote the word, “MATH” and dropped a random number onto the grand total line. This is dangerous and should never be attempted an amateur dipsomaniac.

There are things you should always avoid when soused. Driving is at the top of that list. Because police officers also drive (you can see where this is going.) Driving while tipsy at a golf course however, isn’t just recommended, it’s encouraged. Why else would they have a special golf cart, hustling from hole to hole, dedicated to just driving booze around for your guzzling pleasure?

Also, cars should be avoided, including toy cars in which toddlers drive around. I once saw a man get his head stuck in one of those at Target. He did not look sober. Or pleased. And he kept saying, “Where did I park?”

Doggy doors and small windows are also not recommended when enjoying libations. You can get stuck and your friend can get their camera phone.

Living in NYC and riding the subway, I can attest that drunk people like to ride the train, but often mistake it for their home. I’ve stepped over more than a few half-dressed drunks and waking up on that disgusting, subway car floor naked is punishment onto itself. The next shot they’ll be enjoying: a Tetanus shot.

Another thing to avoid when drinking with your buddies is to not be the first one who passes out. I guarantee you’ll either be pantsed, have phallic symbols drawn on your face with a Sharpie permanent marker, or you’ll be duct taped to a wall or telephone pole.

I would steer clear of what is called “Irish Yoga.” Sounds fancy, but all it amounts to is doing shots of Jameson Whiskey in large red solo cups until you fall asleep and drool.

I have been trying to patent the William Holden Drinking Helmet for years. But since it doesn’t exist, any football or bike helmet will do if you plan on a night of drinking, because there is a fine line between seven shots of Jaeger and that of making a large indentation in a wall with your malleable noggin.

Drunk people love to photo bomb your pictures. Sometimes they’ll jump up in the back making faces; other times they’ll simply fall on the floor- slightly resembling what boneless chicken would look like if it were alive.

Lushes should never cut their own hair or someone else’s hair while imbibing. Also, watch those eyebrows. They dont’ grow back as fast as you would expect. Draw them on in pen, and you’ll either look like Bette Davis or Groucho Marx.

Drunk girls in high heels – nothing funnier. It’s like watchin a fawn stand up for the first time.

Intoxicated friends will often drift into the “I Love You” stage when human emotion replaces rational thought. This can be fun to watch so pour them several more drinks.

Lastly, there are the “beer goggles,” an expression derived from having one too many and everybody starts looking good. But once the bar lights are turned on after last call, you can see that not-so-pretty mistake, staring back at you. In the bright, sobering, flourescent bar lights, you’re looking at what could be your desinty for the night and nobody wants that. So, turn the lights back off. And stop staring at that mirror.

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