Just as TV shows get reboots and Broadway musicals get makeovers, Disney has announced that it will update or remake many of its beloved films. In that vein, I’ve decided to do a little updating myself, bringing some Disney classics into the 21st century:

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs — Nice White chick lives with seven men. Although there is a doctor in the house, several of the little people suffer from symptoms such as euphoria, insomnia and dopiness. One, a new Republican, is downright grumpy.

Frozen — The wintery tale of two sisters, one who gets nookie from a mountain man, while the other is downright frigid.

Bambi — Originally written as an adult novel, this forest romp features exotic dancer names like Bambi and Thumper. In the first known celluloid appearance of Twitter, this film contains the mention of “twitterpating,’ according to one owl.

Cinderalla — Two female bowlers and a wicked mean step monster force plucky, foster child to clean the house while they go to keg rager. Fairy godmother dolls up Cinderalla and arranges a pumpkin Uber to take her to the same party. Cindy meet a prince of a guy and in a tipsy state, loses a shoe. Rather than calling the next day, which he promises to do, he combs the city looking for the girl that fits the glass slipper (which are impossible to walk in). Prince settles down with a Hooters girl instead.

The Jungle Book — Far out, hippy dippy, dutchie passing ’60s “free love” lovers will rejoice with this classic, featuring the Beatles guised at Vultures, while Baloo the bear, shares a striking resemblance to a young Bill Murray. Musical number “Bare Necessities,” predates full–frontal nudity of the rock musical, “Hair.”

Brother Bear — Another magical mystery tour fantasy tells the of a boy (a young Charles Bronson), hellbent of revenge of the bear who killed his brother. Think “Death Wish, Disney–style.”

Pinocchio — Guy with wooden personality has a nose for lying. Each time he fibs, his honker gets bigger. In the adult film version of the movie, “Pornocchio,” it’s not his nose that grows.

Saludos Amigos — Donald Trump, echoing Robert Frost’s “good fences make good neighbors,” (though Trump thinks Robert Frost is the guy that famously interviewed Richard Nixon), builds a border wall that he promises that Mexico will pay for. Or not, says the reality check.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame — Not a biography about Dick Cheney, but rather a movie based on a novel by Victor Hugo, where, a deformed man just wants to ‘ring them bells’ but becomes obsessed with a handsome girl. Contains mature themes of infanticide, lust, damnation, genocide and sin. Bring the family.

Winnie the Pooh — Flasher bear walks around movie wearing a shirt, but no pants yet never gets popped for indecent exposure. Film also features a jittery tiger named Tigger, who clearly needs a juice cleanse.

Peter Pan — JM Barrie’s story of child trafficking, features a boy who refuses to grow up and would love to live in his parents’ basement if he could. Instead, he dabbles in fairy dust and toys with a pirate with nasty demeanor and a hook for hand. It’s like if Disney produced an animated version “Gran Torino,” featuring a cartoon Clint Eastwood.

101 Dalmatians — London couple hoards 101 dogs and won’t let a famous fashion designer be fabulous.

Alice in Wonderland — Not as good as watching “The Wizard of Oz,” while simultaneously listening to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon,” ‘Wonderland’ gets weird, fast. Girl eats mushrooms and trips, literally and figuratively down a rabbit hole. (Who hasn’t?) Film also features a grinning cat, clearly on something, and a caterpillar who smokes a water pipe. Psychedelic rock group Jefferson Airplane inspired, wrote the song, “White Rabbit,” which features the lyrics, When the men on the chessboard get up / And tell you where to go / And you’ve just had some kind of mushroom / And your mind is moving low / Go ask Alice, I think she’ll know.” Think “Matrix” trilogy with a mad hatter thrown in.

Sleeping Beauty — Naïve girl gets tricked and poisoned so she’ll sleep it off, in order for evil cougar to swoop in and get the digits of a handsome prince.

Toy Story — A toy drugstore cowboy tries to clip astronaut Major Tony Nelson for the love and attention of a child. This is where Jeannie pops out of her bottle amidst purple smoke, folds her arms and blinks, and makes everything better scratch that, worse. Does this not please master?

Beauty and the Beast — Country girl has to choose between a guy who wants to control her life and a guy who wants to keep her hostage. The latter is marginally nicer, but the deciding factor is his library.

George Pelletier may be reached at gpelletier@nashuatelegraph.com

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