My 2020 un-resolutions
Ah, the 2010s. Many memories. No evidence.
It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.
I, like many, look forward to the new year to have a fresh start on old habits.
I like watching the ball drop on New Year’s Eve. It’s a nice reminder of what I’ve done all year.
Normally, I would make a New Year’s resolution to stop lying to myself about making personal lifestyle changes.
But I’m going to forgo that for some new resolutions that will probably never see the light of day.
In 2019, I began taking yoga. That lasted a very short period of time. However, the yoga mat that I have makes a great non-slip bathmat for when I get out of the shower, so I can stop wearing that stupid MedicAlert bracelet I got as a stocking-stuffer.
In that vein, I began reading and studying about Buddha. In 2020, my goal is to avoid looking like Buddha. Trust me, after some runny-nosed kid rubs your belly for luck, you know it’s time to rethink your workout regime – and your eating regime for that matter.
I resolve to hire two private investigators. And have them trail each other.
This year, I plan on getting more active in my community. The first thing I’m going to do is follow a bunch of joggers in my car and blast, “Eye of the Tiger,” for encouragement.
My goal for 2020 is to integrate the word “covfefe” into every conversation I have with someone. Let’s help the Donald not look like a dolt! Continue to look like a dolt!
This new year, I am going to stop drinking orange juice right after I brush my teeth.
On that note, I resolve to stay in the bathroom while I’m brushing my teeth.
In the new year, I will realize that God loves me and beer is proof of that.
I resolve to keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I’m being interrogated.
In 2020, I’d like to be less interrogated.
In 2020, I’m going to retire “LOL” and start using “BAHAHA, you’re such an idiot” in all my text messages.
My New Year’s resolution is to be more patient, provided this doesn’t take too long.
My goal is to share this resolution: To not sit in your car for five minutes on your phone after you’ve parked.
For 2020, I’d like to stop being so sarcastic, but what the hell?, I’m no quitter.
Another goal I have for 2020 is to accomplish the goals I set in 2019, which I should have done in 2018, because I made a promise in 2017 which I planned in 2016.
This year, I plan on being nicer to be people, so get off my back.
In 2020, I plan on skipping the usual route and just go late and never.
As I ring in the new year, I plan on staying up later. Fifty-five might be the new 35, but 9 p.m. is the new midnight.
One minute you’re young and cool. The next minute, you’re resolving to stop getting so excited when you get a new vacuum.
In 2020, I’m going to make a swear jar, and swear that I will never use it, GD-it.
This year I plan on buying a brand-new scale, but I’m sick of the old scale’s same old numbers.
I resolve to drive by Planet Fitness a couple of times a week, just to pay my respects.
This year, I plan on leveling down from a train wreck to a car wreck.
In 2020, I plan on reading the Bible faithfully, even though I know it’s full of wine.
I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think in 2020, I’m going to spend more time in a kaftan.
My resolution is not to wake up hung-over and just sleep it off from now on.
This year, I vow to wear Shazam pajamas, a coconut bra and a viking helmet when I shop at Walmart so as not to stand out.
I will reduce the number of email addresses I have from eight to seven.
I promise to balance my checkbook. Wait, does anyone use a checkbook in 2020? Oh yeah, that odd woman in front of me at Whole Foods, writing a check for her veganic sprouted ancient maize flakes, her boxed water and her beef tallow. Actually, she wasn’t writing a check in that, she was applying for a small loan to pay for her Whole Foods groceries.
My resolution is to read more. So, I turned on the closed captioning on my television.
My 2020 goal is to overfeed my friends so I appear thinner.
This year, I plan on taking another IQ test. The last one I took came out negative.
It was Mark Twain who said, “New Year’s Day – now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week, you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”
George Pelletier may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.