Dear Annie: I am so sad for “Sad in Ohio,” the woman whose husband cheated on her. I too have a husband who cheated multiple times in our marriage. The last one was 12 years ago — that I know of!

I haven’t heard of any children from his affairs. And they were affairs, not one-night stands. These involved feelings. This hurt me so badly. We are both 68 now, and I have always thought I couldn’t live without him. I loved him so much!

But alas, I don’t love him anymore. I don’t respect him anymore. I stay because I have nowhere to go, and I can’t afford to live on my own, but we don’t have a marriage. Whenever we have a discussion about how I feel, he always acts surprised, like this is the first he’s heard of it!

So, “Sad,” at least you have love to keep you going. I’m sorry that you were hurt. There are so many of us hurting from cheaters. If only I were younger, sigh. — Sad in Washington

Dear Sad: It is not too late to leave. If you are miserable in your marriage, you can leave. It is not too late. Don’t give up on the possibility of love. You can either go into marriage counseling with your husband and forgive him for all his indiscretions, or you can leave and go find a man who you are happy with and who will be honest with you and respect you.

Dear Annie: I was alone for a long time and then met someone at work. We became close and recently got engaged, but here is the problem: She lives with a man — they are not married — but they have two kids together.

She comes to my place after work, and we have dinner and are intimate. But then later she goes home, and she still sleeps in the same bed with her ex-boyfriend. She has told me that there is nothing going on there. She has slept over at my place at times. But sometimes I have a hard time dealing with the whole situation.

I have never even met her kids, and no one knows about me. I do love her very much, but there are times when I feel I should just walk away. It’s not easy. — Feeling Like Second Fiddle

Dear Second Fiddle: You sound like a wonderful and trusting person. If your relationship doesn’t feel right to you, then it’s time to have a very upfront conversation with your fiancee about her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. If you don’t want her sleeping over there, then she has to know that. If you want to meet her children, and you are presumably going to be their stepfather, then you should express that to her. If she says no, then you should seek the help of a trained professional and consider finding a different partner.

Dear Annie: I am an identical twin and also a therapist. Your letter from a wife whose husband prioritizes his twin connection over his marriage prompted my response.

This man’s heels are dug in. Many spouses fear therapy because, deep down, they know they’re wrong and they dread a two-against-one situation.

I would suggest the wife seek counseling for herself, for the sake of her own mental health. A good therapist will help her to accept and understand her own feelings, and communicate more effectively with her husband. Therapy would also provide her an opportunity to vent in a safe, confidential space.

My twin and I are very close. My husband knows he can’t come between us. I value our marriage vows and prioritize our relationship as a couple. Both relationships are primary for me, and both my twin and my husband know and accept this. My husband and I are still happily married after 51 years. — Lucky and Still Learning

Dear Lucky and Still Learning: Thank you for your letter. I especially appreciate hearing from a therapist and a twin! You have experience that will help not only the letter writer but also others who are in similar situations. Congratulations on 51 years of marriage.

Dear Annie: My husband had a friend, “John,” whom he had known since the late 1980s. Hubby was not only a good friend and hang-around buddy to John, but he also helped John in countless ways — with advice, with money and in emergency situations where John needed a hand with something. John was always self-centered and quite full of himself (for no reason), but Hubby overlooked that.

Fast forward 30 years, my husband gets sick, and, true to form, John thinks about nothing but himself, his own woes, his trivial issues. He rarely, if ever, asked how Hubby was doing or feeling and never offered to help with anything. He would be within a couple miles of our house and wouldn’t stop in for a visit.

Go forward again for another few years, and my husband passes away. Almost six months later, John has yet to reach out to me to offer condolences, share a funny story about Hubby, ask if he could help with anything. He did reach out because Hubby had borrowed a couple of tools that he wanted returned. Yet he will ask other friends how I am doing.

I recognize John for being a selfish and self-centered jerk; he always has been that. But do I have to keep him in my life just because he was Hubby’s friend? I truly loathe the man, have for years, because he has not a thought or a care for anyone but himself. My friends are caring, empathetic people, not shallow and self-serving. I have made it perfectly clear I’m fine ridding the toxicity from my life, and as a recent widow, I don’t need to worry about John’s lack of care or sympathy.

A couple of mutual friends have said, “That’s just John.” Considering he brings nothing to my relationship with him except anxiety and depression, is it OK to simply stop communicating with him? — Too Sensitive or Insensitive?

Dear Sensitive: First off, I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. Yes, it is 100% OK to stop communicating with John if you don’t want to. He was your husband’s friend, not your friend, so unless you enjoy his company, there are plenty of other people with whom you could spend your time and energy.

Dear Annie: I am the kind of person everyone goes to if they have a problem or if they’re going through a tough time. I want to be clear: I don’t take that lightly, and I’m honored that my friends feel safe enough to share their feelings, frustrations and tears with me.

With that said, this seems to happen wherever I go. I can be in a gas station or grocery shopping, and for some reason, a total stranger will ask me for help (“Can you reach that thing for me?” or, “Do you have a dollar?”) and then suddenly start sharing their deep traumas. I seem to give off some kind of comforting and safe vibe, which is ironic, since I myself have gone through a lot of trauma. I just don’t share to the degree that other people do with me.

What I’m currently having a struggle with is this: I have a couple of friends, two in particular, who are going through some serious issues. One friend has been watching her husband die for two years and just found out he’s been unfaithful, and the other has just had her heart truly broken for the first time in her life. I have made myself as emotionally available as I can, but I am getting severely drained, to the point where I’m becoming angry and distant from them. I’m not a trained therapist, and I can’t hear the same issue over and over and over again. I also have my own stressors to tend to and deal with. I can’t carry my own troubles along with those of everyone else.

I’m trying my best to be compassionate and remember that we all get stuck in our pain and trauma, and some people can never move on. I’m also trying to remember that people have a hard time listening to other people’s pain when they are in so much of it themselves, and to let things go if I’m not being heard in return.

At the same time, I feel I’m about ready to snap. It’s harder for me to handle even the most minor of conversations with people. I’m becoming so drained. Most days, I don’t even want to go outside. I feel I’ll be forced into conversations I don’t want to have. I don’t have the energy for it anymore.

The really funny thing is, I can mention this to the people around me and the friends I’m currently struggling with. They all agree I should set boundaries, but then they continue to drone on about their own problems, completely missing how they’re contributing to the issue.

What advice would you give for someone in my position? — A Very Tired Listener

Dear Tired Listener: My advice to you is to take time to recharge and rest. It is your turn to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. You don’t owe your friends a listening ear right now; instead, you owe yourself a listening ear as to what will truly bring you joy, happiness and peace. If your cup is empty, there is no nourishment to give to others, so find things that nourish and fill your own cup.

You are a kind and empathetic person who people want to share with, but that doesn’t mean that you have to. Someone might be beautiful and everyone wants to be around them, but that doesn’t mean they have to date everyone.

Deal with your own trauma with a trained therapist before you snap. And even if you snap at your friends, remember that you are only human. Next time you feel forced into a conversation, pay attention to how you feel in the moment, and if it feels painful or burdensome, simply excuse yourself and go somewhere that you want to be.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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