Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My husband and I love each other very much, but we have grown apart for a while now. I’ve done my best to be a good and loving wife, yet it seems to be hard for him to give me physical affection. He says he loves me and doesn’t want to be without me, yet we physically seem to be 1,000 miles away.

I try to be affectionate, but it seems like it’s “whatever” for him. I don’t feel connected to him and feel like we’re more just friends and partners. Over time, I have given up and don’t bother with being affectionate anymore. We have a young child together, and I don’t want to divorce. I’ve told him how I feel 100 times over the years, and he says that he’ll try in the future. But he never is able to give me what I need.

He also asked why I can’t just accept him for him. I feel like that’s very selfish because I try to cater to his needs, but he wants me to just deal without something that is very important to me. I feel hurt and depressed about it. I told him that if that’s the case, we should focus on our child and that he should not expect anything emotional or physical from me. We agreed to be friends and partners, but he says he doesn’t want that. He wants us to grow close and for me to be his wife. He wants to be able to be sexual with me, too.

I’m angry because it’s been the same song and dance for a long time with him saying this or acting like he’s going to be different. I end up getting disappointed, and on top of that, I feel like it’s disrespectful to be able to have sex with me without being affectionate. I understand people have their love language, but if his lack of affection and connection makes me deeply sad, along with us acting like we’re friends instead of husband and wife, then why can’t he suck it up and do what will make me happy with this one thing? I don’t find it unreasonable for someone to act like they love me instead of only saying it and then telling me they can’t live without me when I’m fed up. – Hopeless

Dear Hopeless: Be hopeful. People do change, especially when you both love each other but seem to be having different ways of expressing it. Perhaps you should both read the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman so that you each get a better understanding of how your partner shows love and how they need to receive love. He seems to say that he wants to work on your marriage, so express to him that actions speak louder than words. That if his actions don’t change, it is just empty promises. But your actions have to change as well. You have to let go of the anger and frustration from the past and move forward. If you cannot do that, then it might be time to seek the help of a professional marriage counselor.

Dear Annie: This letter describes my life experiences with bullies and how I managed to succeed. I was a scrawny, pimple-faced little kid growing up, had a weak voice, got fists shaken in my face while being held to the ground several times, was held underwater in swimming class and nearly drowned, was mocked for not having a girlfriend until my early 20s and was always the last person to be picked for a team in gym class. Living through all that, I never wanted anything to do with sports or extracurricular activities. Much of the mockery came from the sports jocks and guys bigger than me.

Once I graduated, I swore I’d never have anything to do with class reunions or sports, and I haven’t. I’ve heard that those individuals “are different people now” and that I should attend a reunion to see for myself and maybe show off some of my accomplishments. I feel the saying “A leopard never loses its spots” applies here. I’m in my early 70s now and am mostly over the pain, embarrassment and frustration. Even so, now and then, I wouldn’t mind unfortunate things happening to those people who made my life unbearable. Mostly, I get over those ideas of revenge quickly and resume the latest book, project or movie I’m consuming.

Just in the past few years, I’ve learned never to take any abuse from anyone. I’m a gentle person, dislike violent movies or TV shows and I no longer put up with abusive people. I’ve learned a lot from various autobiographies. Many famous people were abused but managed to do quite well in spite of it all. But the scars never go away totally. I’ve read many books and learned a lot. My wife, daughter and I have traveled the world and met famous people, and I’ve had a great retirement.

Instead of totally withdrawing and being sad about my experience as a pre-teen and teenager, I pursued activities and hobbies that didn’t involve school, sports or winning. Instead, I like to learn. The activities in my youth were physical, but they involved just two or three other people. I am quite healthy now. I turned my hobbies into a very good career.

My advice to young people in a situation similar to mine is to pursue activities to increase your knowledge and mental abilities (reading, writing, grammar, critical thinking, etc.) and to keep up your physical health. By far, the best video I’ve ever seen is “Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen,” read by Baz Luhrmann and available on YouTube.

To those in relatable situations: I know EXACTLY what you’re going through and probably how you feel. I have good friends with values the same as mine. I have nothing to do with bullies. Life has a funny way of evening up the “score” – it just might take a while. – Been There, Survived and Prospered

Dear Been There: I love the happy ending, albeit with a difficult beginning, to your story. I, too, have seen the video you mentioned and find the advice enlightening and wise. As children and young adults, it’s quite universal to feel lost and alone like you did, especially among bullies and those who bother us. I admire your high-road approach and your reminder that this too shall pass. It speaks volumes about your character and heart not to stoop to the level of those who brought you down, but to rise above and conquer your adversities. Thank you for sharing.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology – featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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