Annie Lane

Dear Annie: Approximately seven years ago, my husband was unfaithful. I filed divorce papers, but he asked that we not go through with it, and he made promises that things would change. But since then, nothing has changed.

I asked him for a divorce again at the end of 2021, but finding an inexpensive lawyer was very difficult, so I did not press the issue.

My husband is emotionally and mentally abusive. He does not dedicate any family time to our kids or to me. His father recently also separated from his wife and is constantly in my house. I HATE HIS FATHER. My authority and my decisions do not matter when they are together, and I feel like a slave in my own house. My kids see my frustrations, and it’s so unfair to them and to me.

I just want full custody of my children and the house. Our biggest issues are financial because my husband has no responsibility and no concerns when it comes to borrowing and paying back loans. You should know that, despite this, I really do care for him as the father of my children. However, my love as a wife just cannot overcome his unfaithfulness and overall treatment of me. He is a good person, but his family gets in our business, and of course, he listens, and that has only destroyed us. Please give me the best advice you can. – Nothing Gets Better

Dear Nothing Gets Better: This sounds like a very difficult situation for you and your children. You must seek professional counseling for yourself and your marriage. Emotional and mental abuse are never OK and must stop. If he does not acknowledge this at all, you might want to seek a divorce attorney. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. So you must do things differently now.

Dear Annie: I wanted to give you a different perspective on something. I read your response to a person who signed off as “Homeless.” In your response you stated, “I feel for you and your boyfriend, but something just isn’t adding up. Federal, state and city laws to help house the homeless don’t appear to be working in your case. If that doesn’t work, perhaps you could seek legal help.”

I am a social worker and have been for more than a decade. Unfortunately, this does add up. It is not uncommon for people to be on housing lists for the better part of a decade. Resources are slim, and the supports utilized for these cases are underfunded and can be disorganized. This writer I think is describing her situation well; seeking legal help (unless you are referring to how the writer lost her house) would also be difficult. You can’t sue for housing. Everyone nationwide is struggling. I just hope you are more mindful in the future that you may not have the lived experience to understand some situations.

You could have been kinder, and I don’t say this as an insult – but as feedback. – Social Worker

Dear Social Worker: Thank you for your important letter. My heart goes out to the young woman and her boyfriend, and the fact that their homelessness does add up, as you put it, is terrible. I was commenting on the system of laws and agencies that have been set up – or not set up – to provide housing and that are leaving this woman and her boyfriend to face a very cold winter without indoor shelter. We all should help the homeless, especially families with small children, and I appreciate your commitment to this important issue.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been together for nearly 30 years, but we have been growing apart over the past seven or eight, despite marriage counseling that didn’t seem to help. About six years ago, he was diagnosed with an illness that he is on the mend from now. Although I craved divorce, I couldn’t bring myself to leave him while he was ill. During this time – while I’ve been supportive, being the sole breadwinner, taking care of the house and yard, and staying ultra involved in his medical visits and treatments – he has consistently lied to me about things big and small.

He is of retirement age but acts like a child, refusing to take responsibility or accountability for anything. Physically, he has allowed himself to downslide as well. I don’t believe he’s had a physical affair with anyone, but I did find out about a porn addiction. He moved out of our bedroom 12 years ago with no explanation and hasn’t initiated physical contact with me in at least that long.

While his medical condition is improving and he should make a complete recovery, I am still reluctant to leave him to deal with this alone. His very small family and few friends are incapable of helping; my job provides good medical insurance that allows him to see a specialist. He seems to depend on me for all household and financial responsibilities. But I am utterly miserable, and all I think about is how to leave him. I know he has no love for me, he doesn’t appreciate me, and that I’m nothing more than the person who shares floor space and “takes care of it” so he doesn’t have to. Is it wrong of me, just north of 50 years old, to crave peace and want to be alone? I can’t imagine being unhappier than I am right now. But the guilt of leaving him while he’s still undergoing medical treatment keeps me stuck. – To Go or Not to Go in the Northeast

Dear Northeast: The decision to end a marriage is a huge one and not to be taken lightly, but what you’ve shared tells me you already know this. Although your husband has been facing an illness, maintaining the relationship you two have is a battle you cannot fight alone. If he isn’t cooperative, and his behavior runs the gamut from lying to potentially cheating to being generally despondent, it makes the hole you two are in that much deeper and harder to get out of.

I would recommend sitting down with your husband and your couples therapist again for the most frank discussion you’ve had yet. It sounds as though you two are staying in your marriage simply for the sake of it, but you can’t spend another number of years being miserable – either of you. Whether you decide to pursue counseling again and give your marriage another real shot or call it quits, you’ve reached an impasse you can no longer continue with. At a certain point, you have to consider what you want for yourself beyond the role of being someone’s wife and honor that.

It’s also possible to continue being supportive and of help to your husband even if you’re no longer married to him. After 30 years together, he will forever hold a special and important place in your life, and you’ll share a bond whether that’s with or without vows. But if things have truly run their course, you both should be free to move into the next stage of your lives and find your joy again.