Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My parents, brother and I all live several states away, about a day’s drive between any two points in our geographic triangle. My aunt is roughly a central point between all of us and has invited us for Thanksgiving, where we end up going roughly every other year. My mom and I are hosts on the alternate years.

I am quite fond of my aunt, but I have a very severe cat allergy, and she has two cats. She goes to great lengths to clean the house, and I go to great lengths to take every allergy prevention under the sun, but still within minutes of arriving, I have itchy, watery eyes, sneezing and itchy nose, and respiratory distress (wheezing within minutes and using my inhaler so much I get heart palpitations). For what it’s worth, I have discussed this with doctors as well on many occasions.

It’s all too easy for those without severe allergies to brush it off and think it’s an overreaction, and I am not sure what to do.

My aunt lives in a cold-weather climate, so my usual repertoire of spending most of the holiday on the porch or in my car and only coming inside for short bursts isn’t exactly pleasant, and I end up spending most of the day alone.

I’ve suggested that this year, I will show up late and leave early, which did not go over well. I suspect that was because the women in my family always clean up the dishes after the meal, something that has bugged me to no end on principle. My brother has never in his life been asked to clean a dish at a family gathering.

It is generational gender assignment perpetuation, but a family gathering doesn’t feel like the right place for me to make a scene on ethics. Annie, what should I do? I want to see my family, especially as I am worried my dad may not have many holidays left. However, driving for hours and spending one or two nights in a hotel just to be with my family for a day to sit alone in the cold, or to be in an environment I physically cannot bear and then do the dishes because of my gender, doesn’t sound like a particularly fair deal. I’m disappointed in the collective lack of awareness of both the gender nonsense as well as lack of appreciation for the seriousness of my allergic reaction.

I also feel guilty that my aunt spends a day sanitizing her house for my allergy, which, sadly, is too severe to really be mitigated.

Having Thanksgiving at another location is not an option. We have no other family, and my aunt enjoys hosting us. Apart from not going, what would you suggest as fair in such a situation? – Allergic to Thanksgiving

Dear Allergic: That must be really difficult to be so allergic to cats. Could your aunt board her cats for a few days? You could use the money you were going to spend on a hotel on that. As for the “gender roles” that bother you, it is her house and her rules. So if she wants to do the dishes and expects the other women to help out, I would go along.

No family is perfect, and the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with your father in his later years will never come again. At the same time, if the allergic reaction persists despite efforts by you and your aunt, then stick to your guns about showing up late and leaving early.

Dear Annie: My mother-in-law, who is 68, has a really bad habit of talking over me when my husband asks me a question. It is getting very irritating because I am trying to teach my 3-year-old daughter that it’s not nice to talk over people and to wait her turn. Am I wrong for getting mad at my mother-in-law? Is there a nice way to ask her to stop? Right now, when she does it, I just stop talking.

I haven’t said anything to her because it is an extremely sore topic for me. It’s not her fault that it’s such a sore spot for me, and that’s why I haven’t said anything. Isn’t it conversation etiquette to let the addressed person finish talking? – Let Me Finish, Please

Dear Let Me Finish: You’re not wrong to be frustrated by your mother-in-law’s constant interruptions. Yes, it is rude to cut people off before they have finished speaking, and when done to us, can make us feel less valued and heard in conversation. But confronting her behavior with silence won’t get this message across to her.

Since this seems to be a pattern, you might consider finally sitting down with her one-on-one and telling her that this bothers you. She might not realize she does this, or maybe she’s so excited to contribute to conversation that she doesn’t perceive her interruptions as inconsiderate. Either way, letting her know directly where you stand and saying your piece will tip her off that she needs to speak less and listen more.

Dear Annie: My best friend and I have been friends for about 45 years, and I love her dearly. We live about 1,200 miles apart. I’m always there for her, and sometimes she’s there for me, but not as much as I wish. I don’t need anything from her but a listening ear or advice. We stay in contact most of the time, and I have visited a few times and enjoyed the time with her and her family.

However, there have been many times I have texted or called her, and she hasn’t responded. Then, there are times when she does answer the phone when she has company, and she completely ignores the fact that I’m on the phone and continues to hold a conversation with them. I would much rather her tell me she has company or that she’s busy and will call me back. I have mentioned to her before how this makes me feel. But when she needs a favor, I hear from her several times till her favor has been granted, and after the favor, she ignores my calls and texts. This really hurts, and I’m confused. Am I taking it too personally? – Puzzled Pal

Dear Puzzled: Between work, family, friends and other obligations, everyone is bound to miss a phone call or a text from time to time. But the fact that your friend doesn’t give you her undivided attention – or she will when it’s of benefit to her – is frustrating. Suggest a set time each week or every other week to chat on the phone or FaceTime together with no distractions. This consistent quality time catching up with one another can help bridge the physical gap and strengthen your bond with one another. One of these catch-ups would also be a good time to address the almost transactional encounters you’ve had with her, if they persist and you feel comfortable doing so. After four decades of friendship, I’m sure there’s very little you can’t openly say to a true friend.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology – featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.