Annie Lane

Dear Readers: Today is Sept. 11. A day that changed America forever. There were many brave men and women who lost their lives this day. Below are some quotes that help to remind us of the preciousness of life and honoring those with incredible courage.

“If we learn nothing else from this tragedy, we learn that life is short and there is no time for hate.” – Sandy Dahl, wife of Flight 93 pilot Jason Dahl.

“Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and ash, the last phone calls, the funerals of the children.” – George W. Bush

“For me and my family personally, Sept. 11 was a reminder that life is fleeting, impermanent, and uncertain. Therefore, we must make use of every moment and nurture it with affection, tenderness, beauty, creativity and laughter.” – Deepak Chopra

“Even the smallest act of service, the simplest act of kindness, is a way to honor those we lost, a way to reclaim that spirit of unity that followed 9/11.” – Barack Obama

“September 11, 2001, revealed heroism in ordinary people who might have gone through their lives never called upon to demonstrate the extent of their courage.” – Geraldine Brooks

“The attacks of September 11th were intended to break our spirit. Instead, we have emerged stronger and more unified. We feel renewed devotion to the principles of political, economic and religious freedom, the rule of law and respect for human life. We are more determined than ever to live our lives in freedom.” – Rudy Giuliani

“America was not built on fear. America was built on courage, on imagination and an unbeatable determination to do the job at hand.” – Harry S. Truman

Dear Annie: You had some great advice for “Ready to Give Up,” but I would add that he needs to work on his confidence. He described himself as a “loser” who is “extremely shy” and “socially awkward.”

Confidence is sexy, and his lack of confidence might be a big part of his inability to meet women, most of whom I doubt are actually judging his lack of experience.

I would have no problem dating a shy man with no experience, but I quickly find lack of confidence a turnoff for many reasons. Obtaining confidence is no easy task, but even a “fake it till you make it” approach can do wonders for your subconscious and, in turn, for your general outlook and resulting prospects. – Fake It Till You Make It

Dear Fake It: Thank you for your letter. A smile, good posture and looking people in the eyes are all external signs that you can work on to show confidence. But if you want real, lasting confidence, that comes from a sense of accomplishment in what you do and knowing that you are good. Counseling can really help with this, which is why I recommend it so often.

Dear Annie: I’ve been married to a wonderful woman for almost 50 years. That alone should explain our relationship: 50 years. I’ve never loved anyone else. Our courtship and marriage were wonderful. She was everything I wanted my wife and the mother of my children to be, and she has been, except for one detail. She lied to me about her sexual past, during the time we were dating and before.

She had implied that, like me, she had no sexual experience. Twelve years and four children into our marriage, she suffered an emotional meltdown because of a difficult childhood and years of lying to me. Counseling produced a whole mess of ghosts and goblins from her youth, and then finally came the big one. She had lied to me about her virginity and sexual past. What this did to her was cause a dark two years in her life that took therapy to work through. She has never discussed or wanted to discuss how it has impacted me.

Initially, she told me she lost her virginity by being date raped. Later on, it became evident that was another lie. I think she used that story because she thought I could accept it more easily. Then she slept around with three more guys after that (who knows how many). Her telling me all this essentially ended my marriage that day and started our second one. I still love her, but it is different.

For over 38 years, I’ve been married to my best friend, my partner who I share everything with – our money, our home, our kids. We share our lives. The day she told me the truth, the intimacy we had was gone. We are more like business partners sharing what we have made of our lives. She has been completely focused on our children and grandkids. She hasn’t got a clue about what her past has done to me. Even in sexless old age, in my mind, I still see visions of her with those other guys, still young; they never age. In my mind, they visit me every day.

Counseling has helped reassure me about my love for her, her love for me and pointed out that I could have had a miserable life of a different kind had I married someone else. Sometimes life can be like beauty and the beast. You get handed both. I believe it is retroactive jealousy OCD. It is a horrible curse. I’ve had to pay for her sins. Being in a marriage with the person you love and knowing that desire and intimacy were thrown away and handed out to other guys has changed everything. My advice is to NEVER lie about any sexual history or details when dating. It is so destructive. – Husband in the Dark

Dear Husband in the Dark: It’s understandable why you feel betrayed and hurt by your wife’s changing stories over the years. When we are used to thinking of things in a certain light, it makes us feel especially in the dark to realize it’s not so. Perhaps your wife felt she had good reason to shield you from her past. Maybe her previous sexual encounters were, indeed, not consensual. Maybe she felt embarrassed by them and didn’t wish to share with you these moments she’s not proud of. Whatever the reasoning, after five decades of marriage, I’d bet that you know her heart, her character and what truly defines her better than anyone else.

You should each continue with individual therapy to make sense of the situation and see how it is continuing to haunt you. If your feelings of jealousy and rage are an intense form of OCD, seeking help could give you the tools to manage and overcome it. It’s also important that you feel heard and understood by your wife, so for that, I’d recommend couples counseling.

Ultimately, what matters isn’t the first person she slept with but the last. You’re the person she chose to make such a rich life with. Don’t lose sight of that fact.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology – featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.