Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I have a wedding invitation etiquette question.

My niece is getting married and has only invited five of her six cousins. The one cousin not invited happens to be one of my sons. I am very upset that she has chosen not to invite him. We have not had many family gatherings since the pandemic. My mother passed last year, and the funeral was our last gathering.

This niece no longer has any grandparents alive – only cousins, aunts and uncles – and this could be the only family celebration for quite some time.

I know this is her big day, but to exclude only one cousin is very upsetting to me. I have expressed my concerns to her, yet she still chooses not to invite him. Is it proper etiquette to exclude a family member from this event? Any advice would be appreciated. – Concerned Aunt

Dear Concerned Aunt: Did she give a reason why she didn’t invite your son? It is understandable that you are upset. It is not proper etiquette to exclude your son. However, your niece might have had a bad experience with your son, and she thinks his presence would be toxic or somehow ruin her big day. She might also be cutting back on costs.

It is great that you expressed your concern, but I would talk to her again to find out the reason, and if she refuses to say anything and insists on excluding your son, you have to decide whether it is worth it to you to go to the wedding under those circumstances.

Dear Annie: When my husband died, my son and daughter-in-law put me in what was supposed to be one of the best homes for the aged. My husband of 45 years died unexpectedly. I was 68 at the time, and I was in shock. I did need some guidance.

The first year I was there, I just did as I was told. However, anyone who knew me would know that was not the place for me. My mind was not damaged.

I am writing to offer advice to people who are thinking about sending their relatives to a nursing home. Make sure the place has a reputation for honesty. I am in a home where too many of my belongings have gone missing.

First, my husband’s coffee cups disappeared. Then clothes, food, money and books – things you could fit in a hand – went missing. When I reported the losses to the head of the place, she told me I was the only one having these problems. But that same day, I said something about it to a fellow resident and was told that this happened almost every day.

In any dispute, the management of our home always backs the employee. They assume that the staff is always right and the residents are always wrong.

For my son’s birthday, I bought him something that had special meaning for us. It disappeared. It was still in my room when I left for a doctor’s appointment, but I discovered that it was gone when I returned.

I reported it to the man who was in charge, and he came to the room and started going through my cabinet. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was looking for the gift I bought for my son. He didn’t find it.

So if you are thinking of nursing homes, please check them out – with more than one visit. And go on unplanned visits.

It’s a terrible place to go, but if it is needed, please check it out. – Unhappy with Disappearances

Dear Unhappy: Thank you for your letter. Your experience sounds awful. I hope you share all the details with your son and daughter-in-law and that they get you out of there and find a better home for assisted living.

Dear Annie: I’ve been with my girlfriend for seven years and lived with her for four. She wants to get married and have kids. For the past three years, I’ve promised to propose every six months, but when the time comes, I back out. I even went ring shopping but couldn’t pull the trigger.

Although I want to get married and have kids one day, just the discussions of such a commitment give me serious anxiety to the point where I cannot breathe. I want us to travel the world before tying the knot, but she’s too attached to her job. My family says I am too young to get married at 27 and that if I need counseling now, before even proposing, things will only get worse when we have a mortgage and kids. My therapist says contemplating marriage should be exciting and happy, but all I feel is trapped. I love her, and living with her is fun, but marrying her feels like doom. She says I am stringing her along without a timeline as she is pushing 30, but I’m honest that I cannot guarantee if and when I’ll be ready. Do I propose with a five-year engagement? – To Wed or Not To Wed

Dear To Wed: If the idea alone of marrying this woman is leaving you short of breath and like you’re approaching “doom,” absolutely do not propose or continue promising her any kind of timeline you have no intention of keeping. It’s clear you two are on completely different pages – in different books, even – and for either of you to change your mind just for the sake of the other would be unfair and likely disastrous.

Your relationship has reached an impasse. I’d recommend couples therapy, in addition to continuing your individual counseling, to confront your commitment issues and see if there’s hope for building a future you’re both excited about. What you have to sort out is how much of this is your overall fear of commitment versus your feelings for your girlfriend.

Dear Annie: I’m a 36-year-old male. I moved away from home a year ago to be with my now ex-girlfriend. Things didn’t work out in the relationship, but I have a home here and love this small town. I took a job and work 76-plus hours weekly.

Now I have an opportunity to take a break and get away, so I decided to see my family back home.

But my father created a mess. He has a bunch of plans, as in driving a long way and only staying one night. I put a stop to that, explaining that I won’t have a ton of time on this trip. When I said that, he got mad and hung up on me. Now he is mad and telling my brother that I don’t have time for him, so he is done.

I’m thinking about canceling my trip altogether because this was a chance to get away from stress, but instead, it is adding more. – Lone Wolf

Dear Lone Wolf: Your dad no doubt has the best of intentions, but he is clueless about how you want to relax with family after working your tail off for the past year. From his perspective, he is so excited to see you that he wanted to plan a visit that’s jampacked with fun activities and excursions for you to enjoy together as father and son.

The key to less stress here is communication and managing expectations. Your time at home is finite, and there are certainly better ways to spend it than driving all over the place for just one activity or outing. Call your dad and plan out the timeline for your visit. Allow him to keep one or two of his bigger plans on the agenda and suggest spending the rest of the time closer to home. What matters most is getting to reconnect and be with one another, wherever that may be.