Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I love your column and am writing to offer a different point of view for the woman whose family does not celebrate her birthday or Mother’s Day or Christmas the way she wants. She says she gives them presents, but they don’t reciprocate.

Well, I have a friend who goes overboard in celebrating these holidays. She will spend an entire year looking for the special gift. At times, it’s more like 50 gifts, and, of course, my friend feels let down at my ONE gift card.

Annie, I don’t have the time, energy, money and, most importantly, the desire to drive all over the state searching for the perfect gift. I think my friend and this dear woman should take a hint. Yes, people do give what they would want to receive. I would love one restaurant or Walmart or Target gift card and that’s it!

If a person doesn’t give you something, maybe they don’t want something. This woman should try it. They might wish her a happy birthday or Mother’s Day. They could give her a greeting card. But that should be enough. Just because this woman decorates and does all this other stuff doesn’t mean everyone else wants to do the same. I know I don’t.

I repeatedly tell my friend that we should stop with the gift giving. But she doesn’t get it, and year after year I can tell that she is disappointed.

I really don’t want other people to give me extra special gifts, because I don’t want to do this for them.

My suggestion is that my friend and the woman who wrote to you should save all this hoopla they spend on other people and throw their own party for themselves, because in reality, that is what they want. Thanks for listening to me. – Over the Top

Dear Over the Top: Why not just be comfortable with your gift and also be comfortable with your friend who seems to enjoy going above and beyond? Many people express their love through giving and doing, and clearly that describes your friend. Why judge her for it? Just be secure with your gift. The quality of time you spend with her is much more important than receiving or giving large quantities of things.

Dear Annie: My husband recently got promoted to CEO of the company he works for. At first, we were all so excited for him. In the last two months, he has seemed to become almost arrogant toward us. He just complains at the dinner table about how no one can do the job as good as him. Not really sure where this arrogance came from. What do I do to help him slow his roll? – Married to an Ego Man

Dear Married: One of my favorite quotes is: “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” Talk to him and point out how his arrogance will only hurt himself and others in the long run.

Dear Annie: My husband and I are a young couple. We’ve finally decided to take the leap and are getting ready to move down south and start living the life we’ve dreamed about. Our families would rather have us stay close and don’t want us to leave. My parents are financially set for the rest of their lives and have their retirement planned out for the most part. My in-laws, on the other hand, are a financial disaster.

They recently took out a second mortgage on their home and financed a new pool and hot tub, which they cannot afford. My father-in-law works, but my mother-in-law chooses not to. Her excuse is that she had to raise the children (many years ago, all of whom are grown adults now). My husband has a great career and makes good money. His mom’s name is still on his bank account for some reason, and he sends his parents and siblings money when he notices they are running low, even though they are irresponsible and frivolous when it comes to money. My husband has given them thousands of dollars.

Every time the discussion comes up about our big move states away, my in-laws chime in and say they are moving in with us and to make sure we have enough bedrooms for them. At first, I thought it was a joke, but they were really feeling out our reactions. Now they mention it every time we see them and have offered to move in with us and pay half of our mortgage. My husband laughs and says, “Might as well. I’m at work all the time anyway,” which is not true, and he will be working fewer hours when we move.

I am not comfortable with this and feel like it’s invading our privacy big time! My husband feels the need to support his family. His siblings are in no financial shape to “help out” or “take care” of their parents, so my husband feels like it falls on his shoulders. I tried to discuss this with him once when his father was diagnosed with cancer, which he thankfully beat. I asked him what would happen to his mom since she’s unable to support herself. He said she would move in with us. I didn’t really know how to respond to that and let it go. I’m not sure what to say here without offending any of them. It’s aggravating and clouding my once shiny dream of our future together. – Intruding In-Laws

Dear Intruding In-Laws: Money plus family usually equals a tricky situation. It’s understandable your husband feels responsible for making sure his parents and siblings stay afloat. But now that it’s your money as man and wife, not to mention your house, it should absolutely be a discussion between you two.

Speak up and express your reservations to your husband. Family to him means his mom and dad, but it also means you now, too, and the vision you have of your future together must be taken into account. There are certainly ways to continue being supportive of his folks while maintaining appropriate boundaries – and not gaining new roommates.

Dear Annie: I just saw the letter from “Missing The Boat” about becoming an administrative assistant in her 40s and wanted to offer some additional advice. I’ve worked in this position for over 20 years, and it is truly rewarding. My suggestion is to sign up with a qualified temp agency and take short-term positions, usually six months to a year, to learn the basics of office work and computer programs. They can then build on what they learn to advance up the administrative ladder. Some courses in Microsoft Office would be beneficial as well. I wish them the best of luck! – A Fellow Assistant

Dear Fellow Assistant: Thank you for sharing these tips! You make an excellent point about trying short-term roles to gain experience, knowledge and a better feel of what’s interesting. Pursuing a new passion like this should be exciting and fun. It’s never too late to get started.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology – featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.