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Chronic procrastination: Fear of failure is primarily reason

By Annie Lane - Dear Annie | Nov 20, 2021

Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I am an 18-year-old girl living very far from you, but I recently read one of your columns and thought you might be able to help me. I am doing really well in my academics and was just accepted by one of the best engineering institutions in our country.

Everyone around me is proud and happy. But something inside is pinching me.

I broke up with my boyfriend last year, whom I loved with the core of my heart. He was my classmate. Eventually, he told me he loved me, too.

However, after four years of this shy love, we finally got into a relationship that created some of the happiest moments of my life. And his life, too.

But a year later, we found ourselves in a complicated situation and decided to separate. Both of us are depressed, and it’s been one year, and we are not able to move on. Neither of us wants to, yet I haven’t talked to him for a long time. – Ms. Unforgettable

Dear Ms. Unforgettable: It sounds like neither of you can forget each other and both of you would be much happier together. At the very least, it sounds worth giving the relationship a second try. Pick up the phone and call him. Life is too short to worry about “what ifs.” See if you can get back together. Best of luck to you.

Dear Annie: My husband is a chronic procrastinator. He puts off everything – from the small things, such as fixing a broken chair, to the really important stuff, such as making a will or getting a medical test. It’s hard to schedule anything because he always waits until the last minute to decide what he wants to do.

Sometimes, I just have to wait because he won’t be pushed to act or make a decision. Other times, I just have to act on my own. I’ve tried the gentle approach and the firm approach. Nothing works.

To be fair, he has a lot of good qualities. He is kind and loving, and he’s a great cook. I don’t expect perfection, but this problem affects not just me but whoever is waiting for an answer from him. That often involves friends and relatives, and it puts me in the middle. I realize that he may never change, but how do I live with this and achieve peace of mind? – Tired of Waiting

Dear Tired of Waiting: People often procrastinate because they are afraid they won’t be able to complete the tasks at hand. Fear of failure promotes procrastination primarily when it reduces people’s sense of autonomy or when they feel incapable of dealing with a task that they’re afraid to fail at.

Don’t bail him out with friends and family who are waiting for an answer. Direct them to ask him again, and tell him and them that you are not his timekeeper. He will then have to deal with the ramifications of his procrastinations.

Dear Annie: I need help. I’ve let my niece move in with me, my husband and my 17-year-old daughter after her husband committed suicide.

You see, she and her husband had issues for the last two years. They were both on drugs. I felt sorry for her after he passed. She has a sister and a 16-year-old son. Her son lives with his best friend and his family. My niece signed over custody to his mom, so she doesn’t have many responsibilities.

It’s been almost three months since she moved in. She doesn’t work. I pay for everything for her. She doesn’t do anything. I cook, clean and do her laundry. She will go out with her friends and come back, but I know they’ve been partying. I don’t know what to do. It’s causing problems between me and my husband.

I can’t afford to take care of her. I don’t know how to tell her she has to find a place to go.

I feel like a bad aunt, but she doesn’t want to help herself or anything. What should I do ? – Agonizing Aunt

Dear Agonizing: First off, please know you are absolutely not a “bad aunt.” You opened your heart and your home to your niece after this unthinkable tragedy in her life and have shown her such compassion and understanding.

As supportive as you sound and want to be for her, you cannot enable her to continue the behavior you’ve described. Though still grieving the loss of her husband, no doubt, your niece must start putting her life back in order for herself and for the benefit of her son.

Let her know that to continue staying in your home, she must contribute like any other adult would – that means cleaning dishes, pitching in around the house, finding a job, paying rent and more. She also cannot under any circumstances use drugs under your roof nor should she outside the home if she wants to continue staying with you.

Suggest that she speak with a therapist or grief counselor to work through the trauma of her late husband’s death and seek help to heal from her years of substance use.

Dear Annie: I appreciate your advice to “Fed Up” who was fed up with her mother-in-law’s relationship with her husband’s ex-wife. Your advice was almost dead-on.

My parents have been divorced for almost 30 years, but my paternal grandmother is still friends with my mother. My father recently asked me to tell my mother that it is no longer appropriate for her to maintain a relationship with his mother. I was very hurt.

My paternal grandmother was my rock during my parents’ divorce. She was the only one who had the balanced grace to do what was right for me, the kid in the middle of their mess. Even at the age of 38, hearing my dad ask me to destroy the last sense of family cohesion triggered deep-seated trauma for me.

You are right. The relationship between mother-in-law and her grandchildren’s mother shouldn’t concern her, but further, the relationship probably holds down some sense of balance and family cohesion for her stepchildren. – Traumatized, Too

Dear Traumatized: Thank you for your letter and for sharing your perspective. I hope it serves to change how others may view this sort of relationship dynamic following a divorce. Ring or no ring, there are some bonds that never break.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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