Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I identified with the military family who was expected to go to their parents’ homes for the holidays. It could have been written by me years ago. We played that game out of a sense of duty when we were first married. It was expected, and we obliged, even though we didn’t want to.

My husband is closer to my family than he is to his own. He was in the military for 22 years, and we learned something about ourselves. We did not need a big, huge family gathering to make holidays special; we found our family in the military.

Military friends become your family. We shared many holidays with sailors who did not have family around and didn’t go home. We learned that this was really what was important – sharing with others.

Thankfully, we discovered later, after my husband retired, that we were very lucky not to live near his family. My mom would come and visit us, and we even took her on vacations to the East Coast with us. Years later, those trips were her most treasured memories. Our daughters adored their grandma.

My husband’s family made absolutely no effort to get anywhere near us, even when we were stationed five hours from them. We were expected to go see them, but they never reciprocated by getting to know our daughters.

My advice from a military wife is to learn a very valuable lesson: Your family is where you are, and if others want to join you, wonderful. But make your own memories for your family. And, most importantly, do not feel even one bit of guilt. – Retired Navy in Washington State

Dear Retired Navy: You are right that family is where you are and that sharing with people who appreciate it is very rewarding. I’m sorry your daughters did not get an opportunity to grow close to your husband’s parents, but it is good that your mother participated in their upbringing. I hope you will continue to provide a welcome home with open arms to your in-laws, and maybe, before it’s too late, they will join you for a holiday. Thank you for sharing your experiences and observations.

Dear Annie: My husband has control issues. He is aware that he has them, and he really tries hard to keep them in check.

We are finally at a place in our marriage where I can make decisions about our home, such as interior decorating and small remodeling jobs, and act on them, and it feels wonderful! I have a design and merchandising degree, and I am the one who manages the home while he works in an office most days, so it makes sense to both of us for me to be “in charge” of these things.

I do small projects maybe two or three times a year. These are not expensive or overwhelming. For example, buying a new couch (not the one he enjoys sitting on; I’m leaving that one alone) and selling the old one for just a bit less than the new one cost. However, he gets super grumpy, testy and short-tempered when I’m planning and executing a change – ANY change! I am good at keeping to our budget, and he has always liked the changes I’ve made once they’re finished.

What can I say to him to remind him (kindly) that we have both agreed to let me go with my design choices and that he should try to at least be nice during the process? – Tired of Mr. Control

Dear Tired: The good news is that you are both aware of his control issues. Congratulations on working together and communicating what is important to each of you in the marriage. Next time he starts to get grumpy or short-tempered, call him out on it. Try calmly talking to him about his behavior and how his words are making you feel. There’s always the chance that he doesn’t realize that his knee-jerk complaints about anything new are really wearing you down, and he might be willing to change.

Dear Readers: Thank you for your heartfelt and humbling responses to Second Wife, who is bothered that her second husband continues to carry a photo of his late wife in his billfold. These serve as an important reminder that though loved ones die, our love for them doesn’t.

Dear Annie: After 20-plus years of marriage, my now-husband and I both lost our first spouses. We had long and wonderful marriages before they were both cut short by cancer.

When my now-husband and I married, we embraced our first spouses into our marriage. It’s a marriage of four people, not just two. They were a part of who we were then and the people we are now. Their pictures are as important a part of our home as the pictures of his two daughters, my daughter and our grandchild.

We still talk about them, remember the good times and share stories. We take flowers to the cemetery on their birthdays and “death days.” We love them just as much today as we did 20 years ago.

My now-husband and I just celebrated our 22nd anniversary. So my advice to Second Wife is to embrace the first spouse, share stories and add your pic in his wallet. Perhaps opening up to one another – sharing stories about your first spouses – will enrich your current marriage, as it has for me and my now-husband. – With Open Arms

Dear Annie: I, too, lost my wife, and I can tell you she will always be part of my life. I completely disagree that he should bury the past.

Losing a spouse is like losing part of yourself. I believe that it is possible to find new love, but that new love is an addition, not a replacement.

I think Second Wife needs to understand that her husband can love and be devoted to her but that his lost wife will always be part of who he is. – Still Grieving

Dear Annie: In regards to your response to Second Wife, I have a different take on the situation.

I had been widowed for five years when I remarried and moved into my second husband’s home. He had a wall of family pictures (kids, parents and grandparents), and there was one picture of his ex-wife and their children.

Before we were married, he told me who was in each picture. When he came to that picture, he said, “It’s not there because I still love her, but because it is part of my and my children’s lives.”

After we married, he rummaged through my things until he found a picture of my late husband. He then went and put that picture on the wall because it was part of my life. When people come over and ask about the pictures, he always tells them that is my late husband.

We loved each other dearly, and they are only pictures. – Grieving with Grace

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.

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