Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I am a 52-year-old man who came to this country when I was 15. I met this friend, “Tom,” when I was in high school, and I spent a lot of time at his house when I was 16.

His mom, “Diane,” was very kind to me, and she was 39 years old at the time. She would take me home after a visit. One night, when she was taking me home, she stopped the car and molested me.

From then on, Diane would molest me quite often. She started brainwashing me and manipulating me, saying that I didn’t need anyone but her. So I disowned my family and moved in with this family. Diane divorced her husband to be with me.

I didn’t want any of this, but that was all I knew at 16. I eventually married my abuser when I was in my early 20s. During our marriage, I could have and should have left. I stayed because she had been brainwashing me since I was 16 to love her and only her.

Fast-forward to 2019; Diane divorced me because she found someone else who is still married and 15 years younger than she is.

Now I miss my own family and keep thinking about how she robbed me of my teenage years and years afterward. My question is: Is there anything I can do legally to hold her accountable for the molestation since there is no statute of limitations on sexual abuse? – Loss and Regret

Dear Loss and Regret: I am so sorry that you had to encounter such a horrible, manipulative person when you were young and vulnerable. No child – and child is what you were – should have to suffer that type of abuse. You sound like you have had some good therapy because you see now that her behavior was truly manipulative and intended to brainwash you. My guess is that your healing and self-care journey will last a lifetime, but that will only make life more joyful. What we put in, we get out of this life.

Of course you miss your family, and that is what the healing is for. Tell them that all the time – how much you missed them. You can’t go back to the past, but you can look to the future. There is a reason the rearview mirror is a lot smaller than the forward-facing windshield. Look toward the future and, as much as you can, forgive your perpetrator and forgive the young boy who didn’t know any better. Once you give yourself that gift, you will feel lighter and less angry. As for legal recourse, I’m not sure. I will print this letter in hopes that an attorney who specializes in this type of law might write to me.

But seeking legal action and having to relive all the trauma again and again might not be the best way for YOU to move forward. The best revenge is living well, so continue to stay committed to that course.

I just read this quote and am hoping it will ring true for you:

“The kindest people are not born that way, they are made. They are the sounds that have experienced so much at the hands of life, they are the ones who have dug themselves out of the dark, who have fought to turn every loss into a lesson. The kindest people do not just exist – they choose to soften where circumstance has tried to harden them, they choose to believe in goodness, because they have seen firsthand why compassion is so necessary. They have seen firsthand why tenderness is so important in this world.” – Bianca Sparacino

Dear Annie: I’ve known my friend for nine years. We dated for about two years and then broke up. We were back and forth with each other, so we decided in 2016 that we would get married, but then we ended the relationship again. We remain friends.

Toward the end of 2019, “Edward” got seriously sick. He was so sick that he had two operations that left him with aches and pain, and loss of memory. He remembered things on a day-by-day basis. He will never be able to go back to work; he’s disabled now.

I’ve been helping him out all this time, but now it’s time for his family to take over. I do everything for him because he doesn’t know how to do much anymore.

I advised his family that by the end of the year, I will not be helping him anymore and told them that they need to step up and come take over caring for him. Edward thinks that I’m wrong for this, but he doesn’t understand that I gave up my personal life to be there for him all these years.

For two years, my life has been on hold, and it’s time that I get my life back. He’s telling all his neighbors that I’m leaving him by himself and that he doesn’t know how he’s going to live without help. He needs 24-hour care.

It’s time for his family to help out. To be clear, there’s nothing between Edward and me. We’re just friends. I guess I felt sorry for him because no one else would come when he needed the help.

Please give me some feedback. – Tired Friend in Vegas

Dear Tired: Even though he’s not expressing it, Edward is incredibly fortunate to have someone in his life as compassionate and supportive as you are. Without you, he would likely have had a very different experience these last two years.

With his health deteriorating as quickly and severely as you’ve described, it sounds like the care Edward really needs is beyond what any one person can give him. Now is the time for his family to consider at-home aides or living care facilities equipped with resources and staff that can better and more easily provide for him.

Dear Annie: I am a single 70-year-old lady. I just found out I am going to have to wear a CPAP due to breathing issues when I sleep. Those things are so unattractive.

I would like to find love again, but would a guy understand if I have to wear one at night? Or should I just give up on finding love? – Dare to Dream

Dear Dare: Any man bothered by your sleep setup is clearly not one worthy of lying in your bed.

And don’t overlook the silver lining here: The time in which you’re wearing the CPAP is when you’re fast asleep. Presumably, your Mister will be, too.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.