Annie Lane

Dear Annie: After going to college out of state and graduating a few years ago, I moved home with my parents so I could save money while attending graduate school. Recently, my mom has started to get on my last nerve. If I look good in an outfit, she goes out and buys the same thing. Though this has been happening since high school, it’s been happening a lot more recently. I’ve brought it up in the past, but she hasn’t seen a problem with it. We don’t even have the same body shape or skin tone, so what looks good on me doesn’t flatter her. Also, she gets so excited when buying new clothes that she’ll wear the outfit over and over again, never giving me a chance to wear it unless I want to match. As I mentioned, I’m trying to save money for school, so going clothes shopping is a rare treat for me. However, my mom would live at the mall if she could. I really appreciate all my parents are doing for me – living rent-free is a blessing, I know – but I’m this close to living in my sweats. Annie, how do I stop myself from unraveling? – The Empress’s New Clothes

Dear Empress’s New Clothes: I understand your allergic reaction to Mom’s copycat behavior. But the next time she dresses up like her style icon (i.e., you), try changing your outlook instead of your outfit. Perhaps if you look at it as an attempt at being closer with you, it will become less annoying and more endearing. After all, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

What’s more, although you might be self-conscious, I doubt many people actually notice that you two are dressed like twins. For one, you wear the clothes very differently, as you said. For another, people are generally too busy worrying about how they look to notice how anyone else does.

Dear Annie: My husband has been battling addiction for a long time. Things seemed to be going better, but then items started disappearing from the house. His behavior seemed off. I questioned him but only heard more lies. We went to marriage counseling. I tried to be a good wife. But then everything came crashing down. He is now in rehab. His recovery is in his own hands, and I hope he takes it seriously.

Meanwhile, I’m left cleaning up the mess he made. I’m so angry, hurt and worried. I’m seeing a counselor, but I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to do that because of the cost. I am planning on attending local Al-Anon meetings when I can, but I haven’t been able to yet.

I have no idea how I’m going to pick up the pieces of the life his addiction has shattered, but I know I must. I have to carry on for myself and for my daughter. I have been blessed with a huge support group, made up of family, friends and colleagues. Without them, I don’t know how I would manage getting out of bed in the morning.

Please share this letter to remind people that compassion for victims of addiction can help save someone who feels she has nowhere left to go. You may not be able to help the addict, but you can help those whose lives have been forever upended as a result of the addiction. – An Addict’s Wife

Dear Addict’s Wife: I’m printing your call for compassion. That is one thing we could always use more of. If you are still thinking about going to an Al-Anon meeting but haven’t yet, go now and think about it later. Find a meeting that fits your schedule at https://al-anon.org.

Dear Annie: My boyfriend and I have been together for six years now. Two years ago, I cheated on him, and he found out shortly after when he looked at my phone and saw that I was texting the other guy. At the time, I panicked and said that my best friend, “Deb,” had been using my phone. I then reached out to Deb and begged her to cover for me and lie if my boyfriend asked her about it. She did, and he bought the excuse. But a few weeks later, I confessed the truth to him, including the fact that Deb had covered up for me. We’ve been trying to work past this ever since. I feel awful about my infidelity. It has affected me in ways I never thought it would, just as I know it’s affected him very deeply, too. It worsened my depression and anxiety.

On top of the shame I feel for cheating, I have been unable to spend as much time as I’d like with Deb. My boyfriend wants nothing to do with her. Anytime she comes up in conversation, he says that she’s fake or a liar. He refuses to hang out with her. This woman has been my best friend for 23 years, and she’s very important to me. But he hates it when I spend time with her.

I know that this is all my fault. Annie, what can I do to make it right? – Regretful Girlfriend

Dear Regretful: It sounds as though your boyfriend has some unresolved feelings over your cheating and he’s taking them out on your friend. If you really care about each other, enlist the help of a couples therapist to work through these issues in a healthy way. Otherwise, you’ll forever feel guilty; he’ll forever feel angry; and the two of you will rack up toxic levels of resentment.

Dear Annie: Your advice to “Believe in Love” was spot on as far as “being single is better than being with someone who doesn’t want you.”

When on the receiving end of a breakup, it can be hard to understand how your ex can move on so quickly, and we start to overanalyze every little thing that may or may not have contributed to the breakup. “Believe in Love” said, “He’s turned to stone and has no remorse.” She also asks, “How did this man forget me so quickly?”

It’s important to realize the process, for him, started long before he actually spoke the words. It could have been something he’d been thinking about for months, planning the how and where he would break up with her. And all that while, he’s been disengaging emotionally and mentally. That is why he has moved on quickly, because the process for him started a long time ago. – Stuart I.

Dear Stuart: Astute point. And having that context might make it just a little bit easier for the one broken up with to accept.

Dear Annie: Using the word “lost” for someone who has died is a word that we learned not to use in our bereavement group. Our loved ones are not lost. It makes a grieving family member have a very negative emotion. – Daphne K., Vancouver, Washington

Dear Daphne: The phrasing is so automatic that I’d never given much consideration to its connotations. I really appreciate your bringing it to my attention, and it’s something I’ll be more cognizant of in the future.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.