Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My wife and I are in a pickle. We are friends with another couple, “Josh” and “Vanessa.” Vanessa happens to be a teacher at our kids’ school. One day, I was picking up my offspring and started chatting with her. I could tell she was sad and asked her about it. That’s when the floodgates opened.

She started telling me how she’s racked up credit card debt, and she said Josh doesn’t know about it. Josh has been under a lot of stress, and she doesn’t want to tell him. I consoled her and asked how much, thinking maybe a few hundred bucks.

Her: “17.”

Me: “Thousand?”

Her: (slowly nods)

I lied and told her it’s OK. I also told her she has to tell Josh. She agreed and said she’s planning on doing it next month, after he’s past a deadline at work. Then she asked whether my wife and I would lend her $500 for the time being so she could pay the minimum. I told her we’d talk it over.

So now we’ve got two questions. First, should we give her the money? Second, if need be, should we tell Josh at some point? If we were to tell him, Vanessa would hate us. But otherwise, Josh would hate us after eventually finding out. What would you do? – Couple in a Conundrum

Dear Couple: Sit this one out.

Don’t give Vanessa the money. Doing so would only enable her to maintain her spending addiction.

Don’t talk to Josh. Let Vanessa be the one to tell him. She’ll have to do it soon anyway if you don’t lend her the money for the credit card minimum.

I know you want to help, but resist. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and it’s got an express lane for people who get in the middle of their friends’ relationship problems.

Dear Annie: Back-seat drivers are an absolute pet peeve of mine. I have been driving for 20 years, and I’ve never been in an accident, except one time when I hit a mailbox with my sideview mirror, and never had a ticket, except that one time in upstate New York.

I’m not an aggressive driver. I let people into my lane all the time. I don’t try to drive fast, but I am busy (and frequently late to things) and do try to keep up with the other cars around me.

However, from the way some friends react when they’re in my car, you’d think I’m Danica Patrick. And my husband is the worst. He constantly makes comments: “Stop tailgating.” “Slow down.” “You’re driving really fast.” And when he’s not verbalizing his thoughts, I can see him bracing for impact by grabbing the handle above the car door.

People’s constant feedback about my driving is getting on my last nerve. How can I instill in them the confidence to enjoy the ride when I am behind the wheel? – Driving Me Crazy

Dear Driving: Well, you can start by being a better driver, because I doubt everyone who rides in your car is overreacting. You’re sending your passengers into survival mode, and they’re blurting things out in self-defense, not picking on you.

Consider enrolling in a defensive driving class for adults. Many insurance companies even offer discounts for completing such courses.

At the very least, I suggest you revisit the basics of driver’s ed: Adjust your mirrors (while the car is still parked) to avoid blind spots; leave a car length in front of you for every 10 miles per hour of speed, etc. And leave the house earlier so you’re not in such a rush to get places.

Those back-seat drivers will gladly hand over their keys, so to speak, once they see that you can steer them to safety.

Dear Annie: I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about two years. He’s actually my ex-husband from 25 years ago, and we reunited about 16 months ago. We do not live together, but he’s made it clear that he wants to move in that direction and even hints that we should remarry. However, last March, we had a serious falling out and were broken up for about three weeks. During our break, he met a woman, “Rachel,” on a dating app, and they went to lunch a few times. After my boyfriend and I reunited, he continued to meet with Rachel on coffee dates and walks along the beach near her home. I expressed to him that I did not like the situation because they met on a dating app, even though he claims there is no sexual or romantic interest between them. He says he just enjoys her company, that she’s a really “cool person” and that they both have grown kids and things in common.

We’ve now had a few arguments about the subject, and it’s causing tension. He says I “can’t have it both ways” because I have a couple of male friends, too, and he has no problem with my relationships with them. But my male friends have been in my life for decades, and there has never been anything sexual or romantic with either of these men. Also, he talks with Rachel every week, and I only ever see my male friends about once or twice a year. This just doesn’t feel good, and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m afraid to even broach the subject again because he gets very upset. I love reading your column and could really use some advice. I’m not an insecure person by nature, but I feel really uncomfortable with this. Am I just being petty and possessive? – Am I Petty

Dear AIP: It’s entirely reasonable for you to feel uncomfortable with your boyfriend taking walks on the beach with a woman he met on a dating app. It’s noteworthy that he was on dating apps at all, when you were only broken up for three weeks. And it’s concerning that he’s brushed away your feelings about the matter so flippantly.

You and your ex have a lot of history together, which can be a liability when it comes to clearly assessing a situation. I’d encourage you to take a step back from this relationship and evaluate how you’re feeling, in your gut and in your heart.

Dear Annie: About a year and a half ago, I changed jobs and got new insurance and had to find a new doctor. The doctor I found ended up being young, handsome and charming, and I’ve slowly developed a pretty massive crush on him. I have a condition that requires in-person office visits every three months, so I see him fairly often. I have another appointment coming up, and I’ve found myself already planning my outfit and hairstyle. He’s married, and besides, I’d never make a pass at someone at their place of work. But I can’t help fantasizing. Is this normal? Should I stop seeing him? – Hot for Doctor

Dear HFD: Though it might make you more diligent about keeping your appointments, there’s a downside to having a doctor whose stethoscope sets your heart aflutter. Namely, you’re less likely to be transparent with someone to whom you’d like to be attractive. Think about it: If a potentially embarrassing health issue cropped up, would you really disclose all the gritty details to Dr. McDreamy? If the answer is no, I suggest looking for a new doctor, one with whom you can be totally honest.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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