Annie Lane

Dear Readers: A few weeks ago, I asked you to share the most valuable trait that a dad (or dad figure) instilled in you. Hundreds of you were thrilled to write in about that prompt. Below is just a small sampling. Happy Father’s Day.

Dear Annie: The most valuable trait my dad instilled in us was love and respect for one’s partner. All I ever saw between my mom and him was love. I never saw or heard them argue, even though I know they occasionally did, but they never argued in front of their kids. They were married 53 years when my dad passed away.

My older brother and his wife celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in 2019, and my wife and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary in 2022. I guess this says something. – Keith B.

Dear Annie: My dad was a Philadelphia banker, and integrity was his telltale trait. As a young man, he delivered groceries on a horse and wagon and earned a reputation for caring for all his clients. He saved all his tips to put himself through college. As a grown man, he found a bag full of money and immediately searched for and found its owner. As a retired man, he noticed that the widows in his social group were ignored after their husbands died, and he introduced a plan to include them. Integrity is a trait that shines through the years. – Nancy R.

Dear Annie: My Uncle Bob was the greatest “Dad” I could have been blessed with. He and my aunt were there for me growing up. The most valuable trait he passed on to me was the ability to love unconditionally by caring about the whole person. He loved me my entire life, warts and all, and taught me to do the same for others. He never judged me and was always there to offer a listening ear and a ready hug. I like to think I am who I am as a person because of him. – Merrie N.

Dear Annie: The most valuable lesson my dad instilled in me was a love of learning. At age 50, he went back to college to become a quality control engineer. He did this so he could find work close to home, and the short commute gave him time to help us with our homework every night. He was the only one who had the patience to teach me higher math. I have a learning disorder, but he never let me use that as an excuse to get out of college-bound classes. I ended up going to the same college where he had done his retraining. I was desperate to quit at times, but if my dad didn’t give up despite the cold and the difficult material, how could I? I ended up graduating with honors. The accomplishment belongs to both of us. – Lisa E.

Dear Annie: My wonderful father taught me to be calm in the face of challenges, and he taught me to fish. He showed me that fishing wasn’t always about catching fish; it was often quiet time on a beautiful river, time with good friends and a way to recharge his batteries. He’s been gone more than 20 years. I still think of him every day. – Love My Dad

Dear Annie: The most important trait my father instilled in my sister and me was his conviction that women could do anything. He encouraged us to get a good education and study what interested us, and he never once told us that something we wanted to do wasn’t appropriate for a girl. This was an important message for us to hear in the 1950s, and I’ve been grateful for it all my life. – Paula L.

Dear Annie: My former spouse, “Ted,” was extremely abusive – not physically but emotionally, psychologically and financially. He is good at it, and his victims are like a frog in a hot pot. Ted breaks you down so gradually, slowly grooming you to question your perceptions of everything. I’ve noticed Ted likes to pick women who maybe already have some struggles with self-esteem or depression, or who drink too much. (I drank too much when we were dating, though I quit drinking the year I married him.) He is controlling, malicious and vindictive. Yet, comes across as humble and sweet.

His routine goes like this: First, he charms you. Then he tells you how mean his ex was to him, and you feel bad for him. Then he gets you to start a business with him, and to co-sign a loan for his “work truck.” He ended up leaving me with $300,000 in debt. I later found out he’d left his two previous girlfriends with $100,00 in debt.

Now he is dating a lovely woman. He’s gotten her to the truck-purchasing phase, and she is planning to move in with him in July. She is here from another country and has worked hard to save for her retirement. He is going to leave her with nothing. I have a young child with him (shared custody), so I see him and her fairly regularly. I really want to give her a warning, but he is great at triangulation and would probably make me out to be crazy or something. Also, he never lets her talk to me for more than a moment. What should I do? – Troubled in Midwest

Dear Troubled: I’m sorry that Ted put you through that, and it’s commendable that you want to help his latest target. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way, but you can still try to give her the CliffsNotes. Write a letter letting her know that you’ve noticed some patterns emerging in her relationship with Ted, patterns that were also present in your marriage and caused you great emotional pain and financial hardship. Stick to the facts, and keep as neutral a tone as possible, avoiding personal attacks or inflammatory language.

There’s a good chance she’ll shrug it off and throw it out, or show it to Ted, who will have a pat explanation for everything, I’m sure. But at least you’ll know you tried. That’s about all you can do here, unfortunately.

Dear Annie: To “My Own Mrs. Robinson,” who said his marriage was great and the problem was his mother-in-law, with whom he was sleeping: Your mother-in-law isn’t the problem. It’s your shameful lack of honor and morals. The humiliation your young wife is about to experience will likely last a lifetime and this is exactly what you wanted since sex was more important to you than the devastating harm you were willing to inflict.

To the young wife:

1. This is not your fault.

2. Immediately contact a divorce attorney.

3. If OK’d by the attorney, change the locks on the house and put his belongings on the front sidewalk.

4. Immediately divorce this pathetic excuse of a man and never look back.

5. Say no more than five words to your disgraceful mother: “Do not ever contact me again.” How I wish I could put my arms around this young wife and comfort her. – K.S.

Dear K.S.: A lot of people wrote in about that letter, with a few suggesting that “MOMR” must have been pulling my leg because it was so outrageous. I really hope so. Otherwise, that poor wife is about to be handed a lifetime’s worth of baggage. Thanks for your letter.

Newsletter