Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My father-in-law died unexpectedly a few years ago. Since then my brother-in-law’s family has put my meek mother-in-law in an uncomfortable predicament. These nieces and nephews who all live out of town seem to think it’s OK to bring their dogs every time they visit. Some have more than one. When they are all there at once, it’s really a dog zoo. For the past year, my husband and I have had the excuse of COVID-19 to avoid these gatherings. Frankly, we can’t stand all the dogs. More importantly than our feelings, though, my mother-in-law does not want them bringing their dogs. She is too sweet to say anything, for fear they won’t visit. My nieces and nephews are grown adults at this point; they all make very good money and could afford to kennel these pets. Should we tell them how much this upsets her? She is constantly having to steam clean her rugs because of this and other unnecessary chores. – Do We Tell in Wisconsin

Dear Do We Tell: You can try speaking up for your mother-in-law – but if she’s that squeamish about confrontation, she’ll probably insist that the dogs are fine with her. Then you’ll have awkwardly inserted yourself into the situation for no reason. Encourage her instead to stand up for herself. It sounds like she’s afraid of being lonely, so remind her how much you and your spouse love and support her. And pay her some visits when your nieces, nephews and the rest of the pack aren’t around.

Dear Annie: All of us have been dealing with the pandemic in different ways. What I find mind-boggling is the judgment, hysteria and smugness so many have displayed. Do your thing, and accept that others will do it theirs differently. As I told one hypercritical friend, “If you don’t want to contract the virus, stay home!” Respect, common sense and consideration go a long long way. And oh, by the way, leave double standards out of it as well. – Tired of the Nonsense

Dear Tired: I hear you loud and clear. Lately, I’ve been trying my best not to judge others for anything – not even for being judgmental. It’s a challenge that I’ve mostly failed. But I’m going to keep trying.

I hope, over the next few months, we can leave some of these hard feelings behind along with the pandemic.

Dear Annie: I’d like to address this to “Crying Myself to Sleep” and other women who are in love with men who they suspect don’t love them back: I encourage you to think about a man’s actions versus his words. It is deeply painful when you love a charming man with your whole heart then come to realize that he’s deceived you again and again. You think maybe, if you just wait and show him even more love, he will come around – and that’s exactly what he wants you to keep doing. Love yourself enough to drop a man who has caused you to cry so often. Please know from a woman who has gone through this, it is freeing. Once I started looking for an honest man, I, eventually, found one. We’re not perfect together, but it’s 100 times better than the bread crumbs I had from my deceiver. I wish you the self-love to drop your deceiver, and the joy that you can experience either on your own or with an honest man. – Love Yourself, Too

Dear Love: It’s always helpful for people in the thick of heartache to hear from others who have made it through. Printing your letter to offer “Crying” and others some much-needed hope.

Dear Annie: I have an adult son who is married and lives on the East Coast. I follow them on social media to keep up with their lives, as we are in the Midwest. My daughter-in-law often posts disrespectful posts towards my son – memes with rolling eyes, jokes about animals that look like him to her, etc. She is very different from us in terms of her political views and other things. It infuriates and saddens me when she posts these disrespectful posts about my son that I think she believes are funny. I have never addressed it with either of them, but I do want to say something about the disrespect to my son. How should I approach this? I never see any balanced appreciation or complimentary posts from her to him either. – Worried Mom

Dear Worried: What looks like disrespect to you may be affectionate playfulness to her and your son. Internet humor is often irreverent without malice. Consider whether her having different political views might predispose you to take these posts as offensive, and try to let it go. If your son hasn’t expressed that he’s bothered by it, then there’s no reason to let it bother you.

Dear Annie: I am 50 years old with two college degrees and three certifications. I am facing what I believe is a dilemma among women like me who are single.

The friends I knew who are coupled up have treated me like the “background friend” where I’m not included in their activities due to not being a part of a couple. But instead of feeling sorry for myself, I moved on from them.

My question is this: I do occasionally enjoy being social, even though I am an introvert. The trouble is that most activities for adults are not single-friendly. I know we are still working our way out of a major pandemic, but are there some places where I can meet other single adults my age? Keep in mind that I have been fully vaccinated as I am asking this.

In the meantime, how can I combat the loneliness I sometimes feel? Are there any virtual Meetup events? That’s what I’m willing to stick with until it’s safe to socialize. – Desiring to Move On

Dear Desiring: Meetup.com is a great place to discover new hobbies and friends, and you can indeed still find groups on there who are meeting on Zoom. (Book clubs work well in that format). And, in the longer term, there are plenty of other ways to connect with people in your community. Get involved: Donate your time to a nonprofit (check volunteermatch.org), campaigning for a cause or nourishing your creative spirit with a local arts group or anything else that lights a spark in your heart. There’s nothing like the solidarity of working with others toward a project you believe in.

Dear Annie: This is in response to “Dealing with the Fallout,” whose husband was disgusted with her family for their activities during the pandemic. Murphy’s Law of Righteousness remains in full force: “The world is divided between the righteous and the unrighteous and the righteous draw the line.”

(With the caveat that righteousness and being right do sometimes – though rarely – co-occur.) I thoroughly enjoy your column. Keep on truckin’. – Jack

Dear Jack: I have to confess I’d never heard that saying before, but I’ll certainly be using it in the future. Thanks for the wisdom and the laugh.