Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I am 70 years old and have just relocated to the U.S. from overseas, after an unexpected divorce. It was my daughter’s suggestion for me to move here. I’ve bought a house and am 5 miles from my daughter’s house. This is the first time in years that I have lived close to her and my two grandchildren. It’s been a huge change for me, and I am still getting used to things here.

My daughter is still married, but she and her husband haven’t lived together for seven years. She is currently furloughed from her job.

While I want to be here and be involved in their lives. I also want a life of my own as I cannot be with them all the time. Using a dating website, I met a woman. I wasn’t sure whether to tell my daughter, but my daughter told me how she’d met a man on a dating site and they were planning to meet soon – so I figured I’d open up and tell her about my new friend. It seemed like she approved or at least didn’t disapprove.

Then it came to my eldest grandson’s birthday. I forgot his card and present, so I asked my new lady friend to bring them to my daughter’s house for me. I got it from her when she arrived outside and gave her a quick kiss goodbye. I went in and gave it to my grandson who was overjoyed with the present. My daughter on the other hand was unhappy, as she saw my lady friend.

Now my daughter wants nothing to do with me anymore because she thinks I’m only thinking about myself. During the last three months, my daughter has only been in my house three times and for less than 10 minutes on each occasion. I’ve been to their house many times and each time for several hours at a time. I’m told I only care about myself and she doesn’t want anything else to do with me now. I’m partially reliant on her regarding the final part of my immigration here. If she withdraws from that, then I’m in trouble and may have to leave as a result.

She feels that I am selfish and don’t care about her and the boys but that isn’t true. I just want some life of my own along with being here to be close to them. This is a huge problem for me and I have no idea how to make it right. – Dissed By Daughter

Dear Dissed: I don’t know what your daughter’s problem is, but it’s not you. Some unhappiness in her personal life is probably causing her to lash out so irrationally. Hopefully, she comes to her senses and apologizes. The immigration factor does complicate things. I’d recommend consulting with an immigration lawyer to see what other options you might have so you don’t have to rely on the whims of a petulant daughter. You didn’t lug your whole life 2,000 miles to be her punching bag.

Dear Annie: With an eye toward Earth Day, I wanted to encourage your readers to try going meatless (and preferably vegan) at least one day a week. Animal agriculture is responsible for more greenhouse gases than all transportation combined. – Healing the Planet Together

Dear Healing the Planet Together: Thanks for the letter. I’d encourage anyone to give plant-based a try, at least part of the time. It’s easier than you’d think!

Dear Annie: I’m thrilled to finally be planning trips with friends again, now that we’re all vaccinated and things are opening back up. Two of my best friends — let’s call them “Molly” and “Bella” — and I rented a vacation house about two and a half hours away, planning to do a long girls’ weekend. We’ve lined up appointments at a spa together, picked out board games to play and everything. The three of us haven’t been great about talking on the phone and over Zoom during quarantine, so I’ve been looking forward to catching up and seeing how they’re doing.

But now, “Molly” is talking about inviting two other friends of hers. Bella and I have only met these other two women a handful of times. They seem fine, but I was really looking forward to hanging out just the three of us. I’ve had some personal things going on in my life that I was hoping to open up to them about, but I’d feel weird talking about that stuff with acquaintances. And to be honest, after a year of being on my own most of the time, the idea of being around four other people for a few days straight sounds overwhelming. How do I tell her I’d prefer for it to just be us three on the trip, since we haven’t seen each other in so long? — Five’s a Crowd

Dear FAC: Just like that. There’s no need to make it complicated or personal. Explain to her what you told me: You’d like to keep it to just the three of you for this trip since you have a lot to catch up on. A best friend would never hold that against you.

Dear Annie: I’m in the process of grieving my husband, who died unexpectedly from a heart attack recently.

We met at 17 and never left each other’s arms; I fell madly in love with him at first sight.

We had 40 years together, a blissful beautiful marriage.

Now that he is gone my heart aches for him. I’m barely coping. I often have panic attacks and just feel very fearful all the time. My husband was my rock, my protector, my everything. My life seems worthless without him.

My two sons, ages 12 and 14, constantly ask me am I OK, and I say yes so they don’t worry. But honestly, I’m drowning in sorrow.

Do you have any suggestions for online grief counseling? — Totally Broken

Dear Broken: There are no words for me to properly express how sorry I am for your loss.

PsychologyToday.com has a comprehensive database of therapists. On the homepage, click “Find a therapist”; then enter your ZIP code and hit enter. You’ll be shown a list of therapists in your area. Click the “Issues” filter just above the results, and select “Grief.” Look for therapists who have “Offers online therapy” listed beneath their contact information.

Another online resource I’d recommend is the website Refuge in Grief, which is run by a grief counselor who also lost her husband suddenly. Start at this page: refugeingrief.com/life-gone-sideways.

Dear Annie: Thank you so much for mentioning the “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” book. I think I have finally found a perspective that will support my grieving the loss of Elizabeth, my wife of 30 years. — Charles in Greensboro, NC

Dear Charles: I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear Elizabeth, but I’m glad that the book has resonated with you, as it has with me.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.