Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I would like to comment on the letter you received about the daughter-in-law who is a people pleaser and wants her mother-in-law to like her. I am the granddaughter of a mother-in-law who was just like that. I grew up knowing my grandmother did not like my mom or any female who married into the family. I heard her say, “Your mother (insert backhanded compliment),” or, “I don’t like your hairstyle; it looks like (insert name of aunt who married into the family).”

As a result, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I was never good enough. This behavior was also extended to several cousins who had a mom who was not my grandmother’s biological child. I am now in my 50s, and the pain has not gone away. With therapy, it has lessened.

I would tell this wife and mother to stop. Her mother-in-law obviously does not want a relationship. I am sure she would not want the behavior that the mother-in-law is exhibiting to be extended to her children.

She should count herself lucky that this toxic woman does not want to be in her life. Sadly, my grandmother did not have any type of relationship with my children and could never understand why I did not have unwavering adoration for her. – Outlawed In-laws’ Daughter.

Dear Outlawed In-laws’ Daughter: How someone treats you says a lot more about how she feels about herself than it does about you. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Don’t ever give your unhappy grandmother your consent for her to make you feel inferior. Giving backhanded compliments or making petty comments about someone’s hairstyle never truly feels good on the inside. My hunch is that when these difficult mothers-in-law put their heads down on the pillow at night after being so mean to all the females in their lives, they have trouble sleeping or even just living a joyful life.

Continue to work with your therapist on your depression and anxiety. And always remember that you are enough. The purpose of life is not to be perfect; the purpose is to enjoy the ride.

Dear Annie: I have been a longtime reader of your column, and I have a problem that I’m sure others may have. I have been fully vaccinated because I work with young children. My husband has asthma, and I have several health concerns. Much to our delight, out eldest daughter is expecting our first grandchild in the fall.

My husband refuses to be vaccinated, and our daughter doesn’t want anyone around her newborn who is not vaccinated. My husband has been a good father, but this is very upsetting to me.

He belongs to a very conservative organization that is extremely anti-government. They believe these vaccines will eventually kill us and are part of a worldwide scam to steal our rights. He dismisses any information I provide as disinformation spread by the mainstream media.

I was looking forward to sharing the joys of grandchildren but will now have to do it alone. I feel he has put faith in this organization above his family. What can I do? – No Vaccine Support

Dear No Vaccine Support: Congratulations on your first grandchild. Your husband will have to live with the consequences of not holding and bonding with his grandchild. Rather than trying to persuade him with information, focus on the fun and fulfillment you will feel and have with your new grandchild. And if the child looks like him or acts like him, be sure to tell him. In time, he just might come around.

Dear Annie: I notice many readers have problems and anxieties. Maybe something my mother taught me will help them.

She lost two husbands to illness and had a chronic illness herself. We almost lost my brother on the same day my dad died. She raised three boys in a small town taking any job available. Through all these hard times, she always found something to make us laugh. People loved her laugh and smiling face. There is a fine line between laughing and crying, of course. I know she crossed it many times, but few knew.

I was married for 62 years. Our disagreements were short-lived because one of us would make the other laugh. There is a side benefit to this type of lifestyle. When she died at age 82, neither of us had any wrinkles.

In business, I printed small yellow cards with the word SMILE and gave them away. Many people told me they put it on their bathroom mirror and always started their day with a smile.

Whatever your problem is today you won’t remember it in six months. Why ruin a beautiful day feeling miserable. There are other things to think about. If life deals you a hard blow, and you don’t know what to do, remember this.

You don’t drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there. – Larry T.

Dear Larry: Thank you for the big smile and big perspective. I’m grateful to people such as yourself, who find little ways to make the world a brighter place.

Dear Annie: About one year ago, I ended my very first relationship. We were together for about six months. He was a horrible boyfriend, but that was only the beginning of it. He sexually violated me the entire time we were together. He didn’t listen to a single thing I asked him to either do or not do. He would kiss me even when I told him I didn’t want to kiss him, sit close by me when I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it, and touch my legs no matter what I did.

When it was happening, I pinned the blame on myself. I thought I was just scared to do all of this stuff because I’d never done it before. But now I realize it wasn’t my fault.

I haven’t seen or talked to him since I broke up with him. But since then, I’ve been tortured by the thought of him. Everything reminds me of him and makes me feel anxious. I told myself things would get better and in a month I’d be back to normal. But it’s been a year and I still feel tortured remembering what happened. Every night, I’m scared to fall asleep because my dreams are filled with him sexually abusing me. What do I do? – Desperate

Dear Desperate: It is horrendous that your ex-boyfriend treated you so poorly. Intimate relationships are premised on the idea of feeling safe enough around one another to be vulnerable. He turned that on its head. I’m sorry this happened. But I promise you won’t feel this way forever. With the help of the right people, you can process what happened, seek justice and begin to experience life again. Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or visit rainn.org to connect with trained specialists who can help you identify the next steps in the path toward healing.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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