Annie Lane

Dear Annie: Please help me. I am in my mid-40s and have been with a man for seven and a half years. He has four children who I absolutely adore. His youngest is 12. We started dating when she turned 5. We have had them full time for the past seven years. I have gotten pregnant five times with this man. There were three miscarriages and two other babies who passed away due to complications at birth. My son had no lungs; he was born at 20 weeks. My daughter passed away in 2017 at eight days old.

This man has never had a single conversation with me about any of the babies that passed away. But he will talk to family members and co-workers freely about it.

He cheated on me at least two times that I know of, though he denies it to this day.

This past October, I moved six hours away from our home in Massachusetts up to the Canadian border. He and the kids were supposed to come, but he pulled out at the last minute and has left me in limbo with where we stand.

I cry a lot over missing the older kids back home.

Please help me to understand why I’m holding onto something that is a lost cause.

In addition to being untrustworthy, untruthful and uncommunicative, he is not very kind, appreciative or affectionate toward me. He would often diminish my feelings and make me second-guess my own feelings. He has never stuck up for me or backed me up, ever.

When I try to communicate with him, I’ll say something like, “Hey, can we talk?” and he says, “We are talking.”

Not only did I take care of him and his kids for the past seven years. I also drove him to work and picked him up everyday with not so much as a thank you.

My main question is, what in the world is wrong with me? Why am I more concerned with what he wants than what I want? Why am I holding on to a loveless, unhappy relationship?

I love living up North. It’s beautiful. I have no intention of ever going back to Massachusetts. I truly feel like I lived in a foreign land my whole life and I’m finally home.

Please give it to me straight. I have been through a lot. I can handle it. – Feeling Sad in Northern Maine

Dear Feeling Sad in Northern Maine: You have already had to handle a great deal of neglect and abuse in your relationship, and now it is time to exit stage left as soon as possible. I’m almost positive you know the answer to your question, but you have to say to yourself, “Enough is enough.” You are holding onto this loveless and unhappy marriage because it has become a habit.

It is difficult to change even if we know that changing is the best thing for ourselves. The very fact you wrote me this letter signals that you are ready for a new beginning. Leaving him will take courage and might be very uncomfortable, but like most worthwhile endeavors, if you put in the commitment and hard work, the payoff will be immense. You will no longer have to suffer.

Seeking the help of a trained professional therapist will help you move forward powerfully, learn more about setting boundaries and discover how worthy you are of love and respect.

Dear Readers: Recently, I asked you to write in with what you love most about your partners. I received enough responses to fill a book. I printed some on Valentine’s Day, but I’d like to print a few more – because these letters brought me such joy that it seems wrong to keep them to myself. Read on for a smile.

Dear Annie: What I love most about my husband is that after more than 30 years he is still my best friend, and he cherishes me. We started as friends, eventually became lovers, and then were married. Our genuinely liking each other as people has kept us together through the rough patches. However I look on the outside, I know my husband loves me for the person I am on the inside – and he would give his dying breath to ensure I was safe and happy. My mother told me that passion is important, and it may seem cliche, but you needed to like the person you are with or the relationship was doomed to flame out. I guess Momma did know a few things. – D. Perry

Dear Annie: I can’t properly describe what I love most about my wife in one letter, but I’ll try. I love her with every fiber of my being and could go on for hours with different stories about why I love her so much and what she has done for me. We started dating in high school and got married about three years later. We still celebrate the anniversary of our Jan. 7 first date. I send her a “love” email every morning telling her how special she is and what she means to me. We have three beautiful grown daughters whose careers are in the service of others. Since my wife is a nurse, I know where they got it. – MJN

Dear Annie: I met my husband, John, in September 1964. We married the day after Christmas in 1964. He was in the Air Force, and we traveled near and far for the nine years we were married. We had a son in 1966. In 1973, John developed symptoms of heart problems and had to undergo open-heart surgery. While he was in the hospital, I found out I was pregnant with our second child, and we were both ecstatic. However, he didn’t survive to see his new daughter, who was born in December 1973. It has been almost 48 years since he passed, and I still love him. I had his two children and that was enough for me. In 2006, my son passed away with pretty much the same problems as his dad. So, now it’s just my daughter and me. We live together and get along splendidly.

My husband was the love of my life. When I think of him (which is often), I still feel the love and thrill of being by his side for almost nine years. Even though I have missed him terribly over the years, I wouldn’t have changed one minute of the journey – except to have him live to see his daughter and be by my side again. – Alone but Not Unhappy

Dear Annie: I have had a miscarriage, a mastectomy, leukemia and chemotherapy, and at one point I came close to a mental breakdown. Through it all, my husband did not waiver. He held me while I cried over the baby we would never have. He kissed the scar where my breast was removed. He watched over me while I was going through chemotherapy – and helped care for my newly widowed mother at the same time. That, Annie, is a real husband and an amazing human being. – One Lucky Wife

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.