Annie Lane

Dear Annie: It’s just an idea, but maybe “Missing My Things'” husband has dementia, not compulsive decluttering.

A few years ago, I discovered too late that while I was out grocery shopping my 77-year-old husband found a storage bin labeled “Smith Family Mementos” in a closet, went through it and threw most of it in the garbage before I got back. I didn’t notice anything was missing until days later, long after the garbage truck had come and gone.

My husband was in the early, undiagnosed and unrecognized stages of Alzheimer’s disease. Apparently, as he lifted each photo, each handwritten letter, each diploma and report card out of the bin, he didn’t recognize the person or remember the event associated with it, so he threw it away. Not long after, I started finding other important items in the trash, such as old military uniforms and important medical records.

Dementia doesn’t just affect memory; it also affects judgment and time perception. With each passing day, dementia patients live more and more in the present only.

Since my husband’s been diagnosed, I’ve moved proactively to clear our house of small but important items by shipping them off to relatives for safekeeping or putting them in lockable filing cabinets and lockboxes that I get from Office Depot.

I hope this suggestion keeps other families from losing their precious heirlooms and important records to the awful disease of dementia. – Learned Too Late

Dear Learned Too Late: Thank you for sharing your experience to inform readers of the warning signs of dementia. And I’m struck by your knowledge and acceptance, without blame, of your husband’s disease. Your wisdom is appreciated.

Dear Annie: Here’s an idea for people to pass the time while staying at home: Get a journal and write down memories of your childhood and your life today. Fill it with memories of your family, parents, grandparents, etc., and interesting things about them that future generations would not know without your journal. You are never too young or too old to start this. Many of us are senior citizens and a lot of families don’t talk about times gone by with the younger generations.

I don’t remember much family talk when I was younger. I was in my 50s when I realized I didn’t know anything about family beyond my grandparents. Communications had been lost with my dad’s family. My mother’s family lived in my state. I sent out letters to all my mother’s nieces and nephews requesting information about names, birthdates, marriages and children in exchange for me putting it all together and sending them copies. One of my mother’s sisters was still living and was able to provide me with the names of her grandparents and great-grandparents. I started researching on the internet in 2000 and was put together my maternal family from my great-great-grandparents forward, which I shared with everyone who wanted a copy. By putting my family trees on Ancestry.com, I was able to establish contact with an aunt and several cousins. One cousin who grew up and lived in the area where my maternal grandparents resided has shared many memories with me of my grandparents’ lives. I just wish I had looked into this earlier. Unfortunately, by the time we realize how little we know about the older generations, the people are gone. These journals would enlighten future generations to good times and hardships. – 81 and Wishing I Knew More

Dear 81: What a great idea. It gives each of us a moment to recognize all we have accomplished and survived while creating something for future generations.

Dear Readers: Seeing as Valentine’s Day is around the corner and we could all use a shot of positivity, I want to hear from you: What do you love most about your partner and why? Email dearannie@creators.com with your responses. I’ll print some of my favorite letters in the coming weeks, so stay tuned.

Dear Annie: I have been seeing the same man for 18 years. I say “seeing” because he is married. “Patrick” and I have been messing around together for a long time. Many times throughout the years, I’ve told him that he should really think about what he was doing since he was a married man. His response alternates between, “She and I are pretty much done” – clearly a lie – and “I don’t know how I can love two women at once, but I want to.” I tell him that he can’t. We’ve known each other for so long now that he is one of my best friends. I want to end our romantic relationship, but I’d like to keep him as a friend. He says he won’t have it that way. He continues to call and come over. How do I make him see that we can have a friendship and nothing more? – No More Messing Around

Dear NMMA: Even if you two did somehow manage to cease being intimate – a big if – a continued relationship is not a good idea. You’d just be going from a physical affair to an emotional one. Show yourself the love and respect that this man has never been able to muster for you, and stop seeing him. There is someone out there for whom you will be more than enough.

Dear Annie: “It’s Been a Year” wrote to you regarding her partner’s erectile dysfunction. My husband also had problems, and I was wanting to make an appointment with a urologist, sure they would find a problem and fix it. We never had that appointment. One day, thinking he was having a stroke, a visit to a family doctor sent us to the hospital for a cat scan. Turns out he had a brain tumor and passed 10 months later. Don’t ignore this issue. It could be any number of reasons and some more critical than others! – Still Missing Him

Dear Still Missing Him: I am so sorry for your loss. I’m printing your letter in the hope that your message reaches anyone who needs to hear it.

Dear Annie: For the woman whose family dinners are being spoiled by her brother-in-law’s misbehaving children: I’m in my 90s and have never lost interest in children and have found that misbehavior is just a need for attention. Have you ever attempted to engage even one of them in conversation? It doesn’t require much. Consider a brief comment such as: “I like your blue outfit! Is blue your favorite color? That’s a neat Seahawks shirt! Is that your favorite team?” Questions about school are good, too, or what they like to do for fun.

The parents may feel that discipline would be more disruptive for everyone than the misbehavior, or they might become the less-favored parent. (Though that’s a whole different subject.)

Anyway, give it a try. It may not work the first time, but you know the old saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!” – A Great-Gramma

Dear Great-Gramma: I love how this solution leads with empathy. Thanks for making the world a kinder place.