Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My sister is 75 years old. She is a hoarder. She has lived at home her whole life and started accumulating junk soon after my dad died 10 years ago. If something comes into the house, it isn’t going out, as it is with most hoarders. So you can imagine what an appalling situation it has become.

My sister took care of my mom, who was in a wheelchair until she died two years ago at age 93. I spent thousands of dollars between the time when my mom became ill and when she died, driving a 50-mile round trip every day for six years to help my sister take care of her. And I continued to do so every other weekend after our mom died, bringing my grandsons to visit so my sister wouldn’t feel lonely.

Recently, I took a tumble at the dog park and fractured my kneecap. I asked my sister whether I could borrow one of Mom’s wheelchairs for a while. She told me to go look for one at Goodwill.

I figured that her mounds of precious junk must be more important to her than my many years of loyalty, and I don’t want to ever visit her again. And she can’t visit me because she can’t bear the thought of getting rid of her broken-down Buick to buy a new one.

Do you think she would get help with her problem if I stopped seeing her, or would she just be happy alone with her stuff? – Snuffed Out by Stuff

Dear Snuffed Out by Stuff: Hoarding is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The disorder does not operate in the realm of logic. You can’t reason with it. And you shouldn’t take it personally – because as much as it might seem to you that your sister is choosing her stuff over you, she’s not really choosing anything at this point. She’s simply acting on compulsions.

If you want to stop visiting her for the sake of your own well-being, I applaud the boundary-setting. But it sounds as though you want to stop visiting her because you hope it would spur her to get help. If that’s the case, you want to control the uncontrollable, and you’d most likely end up even more frustrated. Instead of basing decisions on how they might or might not impact her hoarding behavior, base your decisions on what’s healthy for you.

Visit the hoarding section of the International OCD Foundation’s website (https://hoarding.iocdf.org) for information on what causes people to hoard and how you might be able to help.

Dear Annie: I recently filled a prescription for cough syrup that called for a 10-milliliter dosage. We do not use liters in this country. I had to go online to convert the amount to teaspoons. Could you give a shout to physicians, nurse practitioners and pharmacists to let them know how dangerous this practice is to the patient? – Irked

Dear Irked: I did some research to figure out why the pharmaceutical industry would use the metric system in the United States, where it might as well be Greek to many people. According to the National Council for Prescription Drug Programs, a nonprofit standards development organization, the International System of Units, known as SI, is better for designating dosages than the U.S. customary system. The reason is consistency. While the U.S. system has 300 different units, the SI has just seven base units. From the NCPDP: “The use of multiple volumetric units (e.g., teaspoons, tablespoons, droppersful) and multiple abbreviations … (increases) the likelihood of dosing errors.”

That said, the most important thing is that the patient understands how to take the medication he or she is prescribed, and it’s health care providers’ job to see to that. The next time you pick up a prescription, ask your pharmacist for help with converting the dosage.

Dear Annie: I’m a 39-year-old mom of four. My husband recently passed away, in April of this year.

His family was never very kind to me when he was alive, and they haven’t changed now that he’s gone. I’ve been dealing with their judgment and hostility. They find any little thing they can to criticize me and gossip about me. And I’m just wondering how to stop them from talking about my life when they have no idea what they’re talking about. Please help! – Mrs. Fed Up

Dear Fed-Up: I am so sorry that your husband died and that your in-laws are making life harder for you. I’m going to pass along something that someone once shared with me: What other people think of you is none of your business. That’s not an admonishment. It’s a mantra. They’re entitled to their opinions, and you’re entitled to ignore them. The more you can accept that, the lighter you’ll feel.

Reach out to friends and family who shore you up rather than giving any weight to the opinions of people who would tear a grieving widow down.

Dear Annie: For six years, I’ve been with a man – let’s call him “Ben.” We have one child together and one on the way. I’m frustrated because I do all of the housework even though we’re both employed. We divided up expenses. He pays for the house payment and the babysitter when we need one, and I pay for all of the utilities and groceries. I also do most of the childcare tasks.

I don’t feel like I should have to ask for him to get off his butt and help; I feel like he should naturally want to help and just do it. I’ve noticed that when we are around his family, he jumps to help them with anything in a split second. He seems like he would just rather be lazy when it comes to our own home life, expecting me to do all the domestic work.

I’d try talking to him about this, but he’s not a talk-about-your-feelings type of guy, more of a sort-your-own-laundry type of guy. In the past, anytime I’ve brought up anything remotely uncomfortable, he seems to register it as a threat and says something negative directed towards me and not at all helpful to resolving the issue. Advice? – Unheard Girlfriend

Dear Unheard: I empathize with your hesitation, but to give up on honest communication is to give up on the relationship. When you don’t feel you can express yourself, resentments will continue to pile up, like so many unwashed dishes.

Try finding a time when you’re both relaxed, and casually ask if he’ll help you make a list of priorities around the house. This will help you both better understand which tasks the other feels are important, and it will give you the chance to talk it out and compromise in areas where your views differ. Approaching it with a spirit of collaboration is different that exhaustion or resentment. Hopefully, he won’t go into defensive mode. If he still shuts down, then you might ask him about attending couples’ counseling together. Addressing the underlying communication issues would help with the housework issue as well as all other aspects of your relationship.

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