Annie Lane

Dear Annie: What advice would you share for families who are grappling with members who have differing opinions about what is considered safe behavior for COVID-19 and protocols for how to interact over the holidays?

Since the start of the pandemic, my older sister and her husband have had a very laissez-faire approach to their safety, refusing to wear masks, limiting time with others indoors and in public places, and to socially distance, saying the virus is here and we all just have to learn to live with it.

Although it is their prerogative how they choose to behave within their bubble, as my sister continues to participate in high-risk activities, she also demands that other people in our family disregard their own level of comfort and safety to interact with them and their young daughter in person, including our mother, who is nearly 70.

When we ask her to limit activities or enforce basic guidelines like delaying scheduling family time after they participate in high-risk activities – such as attending a large wedding or planning to host visitors from overseas in their home – my sister lashes out at my mother for making such requests. She demeans her for attempting to limit her interaction with them, saying it is showing favoritism to my family, which does not participate in high-risk activities. She says that my mother is intentionally ruining her relationship with her own granddaughter.

Of course, my mother wants to see both my sister and her granddaughter, so she is incredibly hurt by these accusations, but she also wants to stay healthy and follow recommended safeguards and guidelines, especially given her age and risk level.

Over the past several months, my mom has maintained her level of comfort and safety most of the time, but she’ll eventually get worn down by my sister’s guilt trips and silent treatment and will see them in person anyway. This is usually as a demand to babysit. By doing this, without any expectation or give from my sister’s side, or her showing empathy for my mom’s reasoning for wanting to follow the recommended COVID-19 guidelines, the situation has grown progressively worse.

As my mom tried to make a schedule to alternate between families to show fair and equal time around the holidays, my sister reacted and has somehow positioned herself as the victim in the situation. She says she is wronged by the fact that it includes no contact periods so my mother can quarantine between our scheduled activities.

Besides dropping our own level of safety and comfort to align with her high-risk lifestyle, which we will not do because of my older son’s health risks, how would you suggest families like ours navigate this situation? Please help. – Frustrated Brother

Dear Frustrated Brother: Families like yours all across the world have to remind themselves that this is temporary. If you don’t feel comfortable seeing your sister and her family, or if your mother’s behavior – forced by your sister – makes you nervous, then don’t see them for the time being. Continue to talk to your mother about your concerns for her safety and tell her how much you love her and don’t want anything to happen to her.

Try the same approach with your sister. Remind yourself that, if you peek below the surface of your anger and frustration at your mother and sister’s family, it comes from an incredible love for them and their safety. When you come from that place, conversations seem to go more smoothly. Best of luck to you and your family during this time, and stay safe.

Dear Annie: I’ve hit a dead end and am not sure what to do. My family has become dysfunctional to the point of my wanting to take my husband and kids and move far away from them all.

I am grown, married and have two sons. I have an adult brother, “Joey,” who has become a complete burden to all of us. Up until recently, Joey was pretty self-sufficient and had a good-paying, steady job and his own house. Joey’s “taste” in women has never been good, but his current girlfriend takes the cake. She is an alcoholic, and she is ruining his life. He’s lost his job and barely leaves the house. They fight and call the cops on each other, break up, get back together, shack up at her mom’s apartment for days on end… No one can get a hold of him and he won’t return calls or texts. He has a 1-year-old daughter with an ex-girlfriend. My parents are attached to this child and can’t get Joey to step up and do what needs to be done so that they can see her.

My mom is so sad and worried sick most of the time. We suspect drug use, but he vehemently denies it. He has this sick loyalty to this awful girlfriend. He gets mean and defensive when talked to or questioned about his recent life choices. He shuts down and shuts everyone out. He refuses help and won’t stick to any plans to improve anything. He only contacts people when he needs something.

It has completely taken over everything in my parents’ lives to the point that it is all I even hear about when I talk to them. I need to walk away from this mess for my own sanity so that I can focus on my own family. I want nothing to do with him until he gets his life together and walks away from his trainwreck of a girlfriend. I told my mom that, and she is now giving me the silent treatment. I feel guilty. What should I do? – Feeling Guilty in Minnesota

Dear Feeling Guilty: As much as we’d like to, we can’t rescue our family members from pits of dysfunction and addiction. The most helpful thing we can do is stand by with an arm outstretched for when they’re ready to grab hold.

Though Joey’s girlfriend is not your friend or relative, her apparent alcoholism (and Joey’s potential substance use) has had ripple effects throughout your family. To learn how to live more calmly despite the chaos around you, I encourage you to consider attending a virtual support group through an organization such as Al-Anon (al-anon.org) or SMART Recovery Family and Friends (https://www.smartrecovery.org/family). The only criterion for participation in such groups is that someone else’s drinking bothers you.

Dear Annie: I am a retired Naval officer who suffered a head injury 20 years ago this month. This injury caused me to go in to rages, and though I never physically hurt anyone, I was controlling and verbally abusive to my wife and children.

Your encouragement for “Worn-Down Wife” to have her husband go to his doctor is good, but they need to ask for a referral to a specialist for head injuries. I was very fortunate that my primary care referred me to a behavioral science unit, and a neurologist put me on medication (Concerta), and required me to go to therapy with a psychologist who had experience with head trauma.

I realize that in some areas specialists are few and far between, but the travel for this help is well worth it. – Lonnie in Spangle, WA

Dear Lonnie: Thanks so much for these helpful insights, and I’m glad that you found the help you needed.

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