Annie Lane

Dear Annie: We are on our second marriage and in our 60s. I believe he loves me, but Facebook is coming between us.

I do not think he would go out and cheat on me, but he loves friends/women on his computer. I have not found anything real bad yet on Facebook, but he spends nearly all day and night on it. That’s his life.

He used to ask pretty, single younger women to be friends. I had a fit and told him it had better stop, and it has. But that hasn’t stopped his obsession with staying on Facebook.

Am I overreacting for getting upset when he finds an attractive woman and “likes” nearly everything on her page, including when she’s posting photos of herself?

I have seen him chatting with women, but he’s not saying anything sexual.

However, there have been regular conversations with only a few that he has known, and they were single.

I tell him that it could open doors, and women are more emotional and can read into the conversation as flirting. He assures me that’s not the case. But all his time is spent on his phone, and we are still newlyweds!

I have been having serious thoughts about leaving him. I have made him realize how this makes me feel. One other thought is this: Maybe he is erasing evidence?

He used to consistently talk about it until I put a stop to it. He is aware of how I feel. I have even let him know I’m thinking about leaving, which he says he doesn’t want. He says I am just a jealous person. – Marriage Falling

Dear Marriage Falling: It’s not just Facebook that is coming between the two of you. It is his lack of respect for you. He should not be chatting with other women on Facebook and distracted. You can’t have a relationship with someone when you’re only seeing the top of his head because he never has his eyes off the computer or phone.

Part of intimacy is connecting face to face with eye contact, and if his eyes are glued to a screen with other women on them, you have every right to be upset. He could be addicted to the screen, but, like all addictions, he has to want to take steps necessary to reform – both for his mental health and for your marriage. And to gain the strength to break this addiction, he’ll need to be able to share honestly with a wife who is willing to listen. I strongly advise that you seek marriage counseling soon if you want to stay in this marriage.

Dear Annie: My heart goes out to “Heartbroken.” For years I found myself making the same relationship mistakes, and the pattern was always the same. I am 58, and, as I have gotten older, I started reading many books that helped me to understand narcissistic behavior. To me, “Steve” sounds like a typical narcissist.

The book that saved my sanity was “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. I am also in counseling and have learned to love me first. It has been a hard journey, but I am so worth it. I want “Heartbroken” to know that she can do so much better than this guy, and she is lovable and will find that love in herself. – I Feel Her Pain

Dear I Feel Her Pain: Thank you for your letter and for speaking from your heart. I am printing it so that others will know that they are not alone if they are in an abusive relationship, and that they can get out.

Dear Annie: I am 24 years old, and my boyfriend is 64. We have been in a relationship for five years. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a person: He’s smart, funny, intelligent, caring and handsome. When we first started dating, I assumed that he was divorced, and I never bothered to ask otherwise. But after we’d been dating for some time, he took me to a lake house one weekend and said that we were there so that he could finalize his divorce. Well, for one reason or another the divorce never actually happened.

He and his wife have two grown children. I’m really not sure how to go forward with our relationship. I confronted him about not being divorced, and his excuse was he didn’t have enough time to go through all the steps of the divorce proceedings.

I feel so hurt. It’s so painful to be in love with someone whom I may or may not have to myself. When we first started dating, he would talk about how he wanted to marry me. But now things have changed. It’s been a shock to me. I didn’t even want marriage at first, because I was unsure if that’s what I wanted with him. But now to know that it’s probably never going to happen for us – I just can’t shake my feelings at all for him. We live together but sleep in separate rooms to avoid engaging in physical intimacy before marriage, yet I’m starting to think that day might never come. It breaks my heart deeply. I’m still happy with him at times, but there are other times where I’m just heartbroken. – Desperate for Advice

Dear Desperate: If he hasn’t left her after five years, he’s probably never going to leave her – and that’s just as well, for your sake. Why would you want to marry a man who clearly has such little respect for marriage?

I know that he must seem like the whole world to you right now, because you started dating him when you were just 19. But I promise you he’s not. Break it off and find someone who gives you love, not excuses.

Dear Annie: I hate all the holidays. Am I weird? I don’t want to decorate or buy special things or exchange gifts or make cookies. – Holiday Anxiety

Dear Holiday Anxiety: You’re far from weird. In fact, a 2018 survey found that the holiday season stresses out 88% of Americans. Many dread the financial strain and family drama. Perhaps you’ll find the holidays less stressful once you let go of all expectations – of you and of others. This year, with the holidays muted out of necessity, I hope that we see how unnecessary all of the spending and stressing is. The season can and should be a time for family, grateful reflection, service and rest. I hope that by this time next year, we’ll all be seeing our loved ones in person again and realize what a gift it is just to have one another.

Dear Annie: I have a suggestion for friends and family members who would like to help caregivers. Don’t just say, “If you need me, please call me.” The caregiver is probably not going to do that. Instead say, “I would like to come over and relieve you for a few hours tomorrow or the next day so you can have a few hours away.” This would be such a blessing to a caregiver. I’d appreciate your sharing this. – Caring

Dear Caring: This is truly the best way to help caregivers. Many are either too busy or too selfless to ask for specific help but would be glad to have it. Thanks for the reminder.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book.