Annie Lane

Dear Annie: Once a year, I spend a weekend over at my son’s house to babysit my grandkids. They always take a trip for their anniversary so my son asks me in advance. I don’t mind because I really don’t get to see them often.

My husband has a real issue with this. I would let them come stay with us, but we always have company and there really isn’t much here for them to do. My husband threatens to leave me every time, and he literally stops talking to me. Am I doing something wrong? He always makes me pick – him or my grandkids. Please tell me how to better handle the situation. – Grumpy Gramp

Dear Gram: The saddest thing in your letter is that your husband is missing out on the joy and beauty of being a grandparent. You are not doing anything wrong while he is doing everything wrong. Making you pick between him and the grandkids is immature – and incredibly controlling. Him wanting you only to himself, not allowing you to have other people (even your grandchildren) bring you joy, is a huge red flag.

This controlling relationship is isolating you from friends and family. Your husband is hurling veiled or overt threats against you. Saying that he will leave you for spending time with your grandkids is one of those threats. His actions are more than just grumpy; they are toxic. Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support.

Dear Annie: I am the youngest child of six children. I am in my 50s, so I am not a child. My mother had twin girls first. These two sisters have always been praised for being twins. They act as if they know everything, and they do not take criticism well. One of the twins is so dysfunctional that it is impossible to even bring up any sort of sensitive subject.

When I cannot take it anymore, the other twin pleads with me not to say anything. It has gotten so bad that I will not go to family gatherings at times. I have realized that when I do go, I worry about my hair and what I am wearing before I go. I have been told by a sister (not a twin) that I need to stand my ground and say something like, “I did not realize I asked for your opinion.” I know if I do that, then my sister will not leave me alone. She will say that she didn’t mean any offense by what she said. But she’ll keep talking about it the whole time I am there.

If I know she will not change, should I stand up for myself or keep my head down? – Youngest Sister

Dear Youngest Sister: You should stick up for yourself. What she is doing is bullying, and a bully doesn’t stop until they see that you are strong enough to stick up for yourself. Continue going to your family parties and remember that what your sister says doesn’t matter because your sister is being mean and insensitive. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So, don’t consent!

I am sorry that you are dealing with such mean remarks. It also sounds like her twin is enabling this type of bulling behavior by walking on eggshells around her. You don’t have to anymore you can stand up for yourself. How someone treats you says a lot more about that person than it does about you.

Dear Annie: I have a dear male friend, “Trey,” who is in quite a predicament. Some background on him: He suffered a lot of abuse at the hands of his mother when he was a child.

His current problem is that he is in a loveless marriage. He and his wife have been married 32 years. But five years into their marriage, after they’d had a child together, she told him that she was gay and had been having an affair. He gave her a choice: live with her new lover or stay with him. She chose to stay with Trey. He thought he could pique her sexual interest in men again. This never happened. He has been celibate for 27 years. He and his wife live as roommates, each sleeping in separate rooms.

Trey has told me that his wife has a very violent temper; that she flies into a rage and destroys things when she’s angry. He’s told me that he doesn’t love her. He said that he guesses he is still there just due to habit.

Is he staying in this relationship because he feels comfortable with a violent woman due to his history with his mother? Otherwise, why would a man stay in this situation, having the ability, funds and intelligence to leave and make another life for himself – a life that would be more satisfying and possibly filled with love?

We talk often, and I try to help and give support, but he tends to become angry when we go deep into the reasons why he is still living with a lesbian wife, in a sexless marriage and not living his full potential.

Honestly, I could even see a possible relationship with him if I make the first move to change our friendship to more than friends.

What is happening in this odd relationship? Should I help, or just leave things as they are between us as friends and not try to get involved any further? – Puzzled

Dear Puzzled: Plenty of smart, successful people end up in abusive relationships. Yes, your friend’s childhood trauma could have predisposed him to this, though I can’t say that for sure. But why he’s in this marriage is less important than what you can do to support him as a friend with the hope that he eventually gets out of it.

First, I urge you not to initiate a romantic relationship with him. Even if and when he does leave his wife, he will need time, space and, most of all, therapy to process the lifetime of abuse he has endured. Also, to try dating him now could seriously endanger him if his wife were to find out and retaliate. (She might not be interested in him sexually, but abuse is about control, not sex.)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s guidance for helping a friend in an abusive relationship is to acknowledge that they are in a difficult and scary situation, be nonjudgmental, empower them to make their own decisions, and encourage them to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Call the Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to get a referral to a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline also states on their website to remember that you cannot “rescue” your friend: “Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately they are the one who has to make the decisions about what they want to do. It’s important for you to support them no matter what they decide, and help them find a way to safety and peace.”

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.

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