Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. While maintaining separate homes, we spend the majority of our days and evenings together. I have three children and get along very well with my ex-husband and his girlfriend. My boyfriend has a son, “Tommy.”

The problem is that my boyfriend’s ex-wife creates conflict and difficulties for him. She is remarried to the man she left him for, and though my boyfriend accepted him in time, she continues to make things difficult for everyone.

In fact, she goes around talking about both of us, telling people that he is not involved with Tommy and doesn’t pay for anything, which is not true. They have 50/50 shared custody, and we do support Tommy.

Recently, my son came to us and said Tommy told him that my boyfriend hates Tommy and lied about several things. I assume this is likely because Tommy constantly hears negative things about his dad and was seeking attention.

We often talk with Tommy about the challenges his mom presents. We have put him in counseling to help him cope with the conflict, and we feel we have done everything we can possibly do to help. But, recently, Tommy has been asking to stay with his mom more and more, and we believe she is seeking full custody.

My boyfriend is sick over this, as we’ve tried very hard to provide a different and more positive environment for Tommy. This hasn’t been easy with three kids of my own and the challenges that split homes naturally have anyway.

We realize things will never change with my boyfriend’s ex, but how do we navigate this? Things with her are always an issue, whether it is clothing Tommy has there versus here, or me helping with homework. More and more, Tommy is pulling away, and it’s not only extremely hurtful to my boyfriend; we worry about the negativity he constantly encounters in his mother’s home. What more can we do? Or is it simply time to let go? – Wanting What’s Best for Everyone

Dear Wanting: My heart goes out to Tommy. Divorce is always challenging for children, and the best thing you can do for his sake is continue trying to get along with your boyfriend’s ex. It sounds like you do a wonderful job at that. Your boyfriend should have an open and honest conversation with his ex about his concerns. If she is seeking full custody, he might want to seek legal counsel.

The only thing you can do is be supportive and loving to Tommy. Never bad-mouth his mother, and practice the good old-fashioned rule that if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.

I wish Tommy’s mother would live by that, too.

Tommy might be pulling away for now, but if you and your boyfriend continue to show him unconditional love, patience and support, he will come back to you.

Dear Annie: I was a high school teacher for nearly 40 years, and, before I landed a full-time public school job, spent a year or two as a substitute. I know the frustrations of students who assume you don’t matter because you’re not “our real teacher.” It can be even more annoying when the students are teenagers. Yes, parents should teach their children to respect the temporary teacher as they respect the regular one.

I have been very careful to leave complete and easy-to-follow lesson plans every time I have had to be out – mostly for trainings or district responsibilities. One time, I even postponed driving all night to be at the arrival of my first grandchild in order to make sure there were lessons to carry into the week without me.

I informed all my classes that I would back and that I would discuss with the substitute teacher any misbehavior in my absence.

I have had subs who didn’t bother to read my lessons left behind, and others who “couldn’t find” things left with stickies that labeled who was supposed to get what. That includes worksheets left directly under the instructions to hand them out. I had one substitute teacher who announced to the class that I was a slob. He spent the day taking everything out of my desk, sorting it, and replacing it in different drawers. It took me weeks to find anything again, while the students, left without anything to do as he put my lesson in one of the drawers, watched him. A colleague had a substitute announce that her lesson plan was “dumb” and ceremoniously throw it in the trash so he could talk about what he wanted to instead.

Then, of course, there were the substitutes who really didn’t like kids, called them names, said they were stupid, made racist remarks – the list goes on and on.

The few subs who really were educators, and the others who could be trusted to follow lesson plans, were fought over and worked every day they wanted to, but there weren’t enough to go around in our district.

Students are quick to pick up that a sub hasn’t a clue or doesn’t like them. Some imply that they shouldn’t like their regular teacher, and others simply want to sit at the desk and eat, not doing the job assigned to them. When that happens, they are going to, at the least, try pushing the envelope, and, at most, become obstinate. Not all subs are created equal, which is deeply unfortunate. – Recently Retired Educator

Dear Retired Educator: It is unfortunate that some substitute teachers don’t take teaching seriously and some students don’t respect the substitute teacher.

The truth is that in every profession you get professionals who take their jobs seriously and do wonderful jobs. Sadly, you also get people who don’t try as hard or are not as good.

We cannot change others; we can only be in charge of ourselves. Whatever your profession is, if you know that you gave it your all and tried your best, then you can put your head on your pillow and have a nice night’s sleep.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.