Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I don’t know if you would ever run my attached thoughts, but just writing them down has really helped me. I didn’t think anyone could compete with Ann and Abby, but you have surpassed them both. Thank you for your wisdom and great, empathetic sense of humor.

WE NEVER KNEW …

We never knew how much our parents loved us, and put up with us, until we had children of our own.

We never knew how dedicated and wise our teachers actually were until we became teachers ourselves.

We never knew how much special people in our lives did for us until they were gone.

We take for granted our good health.

And we never realized how not just physically debilitating but emotionally debilitating it was for our older loved ones to lose their sight, hearing and the ability to walk; to have to ask people for help, worrying about being a burden; and to deal with the fear and reality of being alone.

My 84 years have caught up with me, and I am now realizing how traumatic this stage was for my mom and dad. I regret not really realizing this until now. I regret not giving them more empathy and “more of me” because I was “busy.”

My dad used to say, “You never miss the water until the well runs dry.”

I would like to urge everyone to not take each other for granted and only realize their value when they are gone. Resolve to pay more attention to one another now. And be especially aware of not just the physical trauma but the emotional trauma the elderly must face. Hopefully, then we won’t have to say with regret that we never knew! – I Know Now

Dear I Know Now: Thank you for your very wise insights. I love them and am printing them in the hopes they help others open their eyes and see how much of a gift life is every day.

Dear Annie: I wanted to share with you a poem by William Butler Yeats that I have had pinned over my desk:

“Things said or done long years ago,

“Or things I did not do or say

“But thought that I might say or do,

“Weigh me down, and not a day

“But something is recalled,

“My conscience or my vanity appalled.”

So, Mortified, who has “cringe attacks” when recalling embarrassing memories, is not alone! – Maine

Dear Maine: I love Yeats and the clever way he wrote about regret. But my suggestion to anyone with embarrassing memories is to let it go. There is a reason the front windshield in a car is so much bigger than the rearview mirror: The past is the past. There is nothing you can do about mistakes you made in the past except apologize to anyone you hurt and do better. Open up to the joy of today.

Dear Annie: I work a part-time job with great people who love their jobs. One of our co-workers got married and two of my co-workers and I went to the wedding together. The whole time, all they talked about was work. Periodically, I would chime in and change the subject. The other evening, we three decided to stop and grab a quick bite to eat, and the whole time, again, all they talked about was work. I enjoy their company, but I am tired of the conversations always being about work. Please help! – Heard Enough

Dear Heard Enough: You had the right idea with gently trying to change the subject. You might try bringing attention to it next time with a lighthearted comment, like “I can’t think about the office anymore today. What’s new with you outside of work?” If they still drift back to the usual talking points, accept that your conversations might be limited, and only go out with them when you feel up for that.

Dear Annie: My name is Barbara.

It’s NOT “Barb.” It’s not “Barbie.” It’s not “Babs.”

So, please tell me WHY when I introduce myself as Barbara, the majority of the time, people say things like, “Hi, Barb”?

Immediately, I correct them, saying, “No – it’s Barbara.” People so often become condescending after that and say things like, “Oh, right! Bar-BRA!”

And then in later encounters, when they call me Barb, I remind them again: “Please remember I prefer ‘Barbara.'” Then, during our next encounter, they say, “Hi, Barb!” Ugh!

Kathleen is seldom called “Kathy.” Nobody calls Christina “Chris.” I know men named James, who people next-to-never call Jim or Jimmy. That is, of course, unless these people choose or agree to go by those name derivatives.

It’s the individual’s preference. It’s their energetic vibration and pattern. It’s their name. Why is it so difficult or inconvenient for people to call women named Barbara by our names? – Barbara

Dear Barbara: Not everyone loves an unsolicited nickname, and I’m happy to print your letter as a public service announcement of sorts. But the reality is that at some point you’ll probably be “Barbed” again. When that happens, remind the offender of your name, as you graciously have in the past. Then take a deep breath and remind yourself that this term of enragement is meant as a term of endearment, however misguided.

Dear Annie: I read your column where “Not Sure How to Feel” mentioned one of her exes who died recently. I am so sorry to hear that, and she has my sympathy. I did want to mention one thing about the column, though, that bothered me. “Not Sure” said, “committed suicide.” I lost my brother to suicide a little over two years ago, and I have struggled with this every day since. The word “commit” is often used to mean something bad, like committing a crime or committing a sin. However, suicide is not a sin or a crime. The word committed has a lot of stigma associated with it, and using it to discuss suicide can add to the stigma many suicide loss survivors or those who are suicidal can feel. Instead, it’s so much better to say “died by suicide,” as that helps to make it sound more like a cause of death rather than a crime. I’d really love it if you would remind your readers that, in this case, word use can matter a great deal. Also, please check out Conversations Matter: http://www.conversationsmatter.com.au/. They have some great resources for how to talk about suicide. – Grieving Sister

Dear Grieving: I am so sorry for your loss. I had never considered the stigma with which that phrase was imbued. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.