Annie Lane

Dear Annie: We were in the same situation as Divided Family, anticipating an eight-hour drive to New Orleans for a family wedding we really wanted to attend. We decided not to go because of the pandemic but sent not only the usual wedding gift but also the money that we would have spent on the trip there.

That clearly showed the bride and groom how much we wanted to be with them, and everybody ended up as happy as they could be under the circumstances. – Marriage More Important Than Wedding

Dear Marriage More Important Than Wedding: There are no truer words. While a beautiful wedding is always very nice to celebrate the love between two people, it is the marriage that really counts. I love your generosity and wisdom! Thanks for sharing it.

Dear Annie: My in-laws are planning on taking care of our two young children when I go into labor. However, my mother-in-law has recently tossed caution to the wind and resumed her normal social routines, including hosting multiple parties over the holiday weekend.

My biggest fear is that my children will be exposed to the coronavirus, become asymptomatic and risk infecting our newborn, after my husband and I worked so hard to keep the family healthy. We need the assistance from his parents, but I also don’t feel it is my place to dictate how my mother-in-law lives during this unprecedented time. – Nervous and Pregnant

Dear Nervous and Pregnant: Your fear is very understandable. It’s time to have an intervention with your mother-in-law. Bring your husband and father-in-law into the conversation. Explain your concerns; remind her that it is only temporary; and let her know you would really like her to take COVID seriously, for your sake and the sake of her unborn grandchild.

Dear Annie: My son is 52 years old. He is a good person but an alcoholic. He followed me to Florida nine years ago. I spent thousands of dollars to get him on his feet. I ended up broke trying to help him. He has since been fired from three jobs.

I kicked him out five years ago. He managed to get his own place and survive, but recently, he was fired again. He started another job and was fired after only three weeks. He has been in and out of rehab and the hospital frequently.

My question is: Am I wrong to not let him move back in with me? I have told him no, that I can’t afford to help him. – Mother of an Alcoholic

Dear Mother of an Alcoholic: You are not wrong. In fact, you are giving him the greatest gift you can give him, independence. Even if you could afford to help him, he needs to help himself and come to that conclusion on his own.

Remember you can lead a horse to water but you can’t force it to drink. He has to want it for himself.

Continue suggesting Alcoholics Anonymous or other alcohol treatment programs to get him into something that works.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for eight years. My first marriage ended because my ex was a serial cheater and all-around creep. “Mike” seemed to be the exact opposite. However, shortly after we were married, I found out he was checking out dating sites. I confronted him, and he deleted his accounts.

Then, about two years ago, I found out he and a 22-year-old co-worker had a sexting relationship. I was going to file for divorce, but he promised me he would stop. I insisted we go to counseling, and we went a few times. He said he had never been physically unfaithful to me. I warned him that this was strike two and that three strikes and he would be out.

A few months later, I checked his Twitter account and was disgusted by the sleazy women he was communicating with. Strike three. He pleaded with me to stay. Eventually, he deleted his Twitter account and promised to stay on the straight and narrow.

A few months ago, while paying our cellphone bill, I glanced at the record of his text messages. I found several texts sent in the middle of the night to an 18-year-old high school girl whom he used to work with. Can you tell me any good reason a 60-year-old man should be texting an 18-year-old girl he does not even work with anymore?

I am getting up the courage to confront my husband about this and to most likely go through another gut-wrenching divorce. Why am I writing to you? I guess it’s just to validate my feelings – to tell me I don’t deserve this. By the way, I have never cheated on him in any way. He reads your column every day in the paper. If you would agree that a 60-year-old man reaching out to girls younger than his own daughters is creepy, he might listen. But I’m not holding my breath. – Deja Vu in Wisconsin

Dear Deja Vu: If you’re looking for someone to tell you that your husband’s behavior is creepy, you have come to the right place. His behavior is very creepy. The first text with a 22-year-old woman from work should have tipped you off. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who is preoccupied with relationships with others. It’s time to pack your bags and head out. It might cause you pain in the short term, but in the long run, you will be liberating yourself from a lifetime of lies and deception.

Dear Annie: This is in response to “Child-Free and Tired of Judgment.” My husband and I have been married for over 40 years and chose to not have children. We were told repeatedly that we would regret that decision. I can tell you truthfully that we have no regrets. We’ve always told people that we are selfish and want to do the things people with kids just can’t pick up and do. All those people who had kids – some wish they hadn’t had them, and that’s a burden, financially and psychologically, that can’t be reversed. Some have the joy of a lifetime to cherish children and grandchildren. When feasible, always re-evaluate your position. But know that the childless position you have chosen could be spot on for you. – Childless With No Regrets

Dear Childless With No Regrets: I’m printing your letter so that it might offer comfort to anyone facing criticism for not having children – though I take issue with your calling yourself selfish. Having children out of peer pressure would have been selfish. You and your husband made the right choice for yourselves.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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