Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I was given up for adoption at four months old and was adopted by my maternal grandparents. I was raised as an only child, even though I knew who my siblings were and saw them regularly. My biological mother sowed seeds of hatred and division between my siblings and myself at every opportunity.

Upon her death, we found out that she had cashed in her life insurance policies and had no cemetery plot. Now, mind you, I ceased having a relationship with this lady for the last 20 years of her life.

While making the funeral arrangements, I agreed to help my siblings by giving them one of my own burial plots with the understanding that they must pay for the opening and closing and the vault. We all agreed to borrow the money for the funeral, and we all signed the loan. My brother agreed to borrow the money for the opening and closing separately. Two days prior to the funeral, he informed me that he did not get the loan. I agreed to pay for it with the stipulation that they would reimburse me.

I found out a month after the funeral that he did, in fact, get the loan and blew the money partying. I confronted him about it, and he was irate that I’d even asked him about it. And in reference to the loan for the funeral, my siblings made just two payments of their share and never brought it up again.

So, my wife and I spent $8,000 of our savings and paid the loan off. I advised them at the next family get-together that I was not going to bury anybody else, and they needed to make sure that they had their affairs in order.

They have said on numerous occasions that I should have taken care of everything because I had a better job and made the most money. I was made out to be the bad guy because I refused.

Now, their big project is to purchase her a headstone, and they want me to help pay for it. I have told them no on numerous occasions, but my sister brings it up whenever she calls. My wife and I are both retired and are unable to shell out money like we use to. I’m tired and frustrated by all of this. What more can I say or do? – Frustrated Sibling

Dear Frustrated: It’s not about what you can do; it’s about what you can’t do. You can’t keep caving to your siblings’ will and shelling out money. You’ve done the right thing in drawing this line. As relationship coach Jenna Korf says, “If someone gets angry with you for setting a boundary, consider that a good sign that the boundary was necessary.” Stand your ground. And consider attending a support group such as Families Anonymous, which can help you lovingly detach from toxic behavior in your family.

Dear Annie: In response to the challenge from a senior citizen earlier who suggested people donate any unneeded stimulus checks to those who are in need: challenge accepted and completed! Hopefully, many others take up the challenge. – Two Very Thankful Kona Seniors

Dear Thankful: That is wonderful to hear. There are so many worthy causes in need of financial support: from food banks, to shelters, to suicide-prevention crisis centers, which have seen an increase in calls during the quarantine. Thanks for writing in and further promoting the charitable challenge.

Dear Readers: Happy Fathers Day! In this poem, William Wordsworth celebrates being able to see the world through his son’s eyes. He celebrates the childlike wonder that his son has, a playful curiosity that is too often lost in adulthood.

Being a great father includes being empathetic to your child and seeing things from their perspective to meet them where they are. There is nothing more powerful than when a dad gets down on his knees to meet his young son or daughter on eye level.

“Anecdote

for Fathers”

I have a boy of five years old;

His face is fair and fresh to see;

His limbs are cast in beauty’s mould,

And dearly he loves me.

One morn we strolled on our dry walk,

Our quiet home all full in view,

And held such intermitted talk

As we are wont to do.

My thoughts on former pleasures ran;

I thought of Kilve’s delightful shore,

Our pleasant home when spring began,

A long, long year before.

A day it was when I could bear

Some fond regrets to entertain;

With so much happiness to spare,

I could not feel a pain.

The green earth echoed to the feet

Of lambs that bounded through the glade,

From shade to sunshine, and as fleet

From sunshine back to shade.

Birds warbled round me – and each trace of inward sadness had its charm;

Kilve, thought I, was a favored place,

And so is Liswyn farm.

My boy beside me tripped, so slim

And graceful in his rustic dress!

And, as we talked, I questioned him,

In very idleness.

Dear Annie: I am writing to tell you my story about adopting a child and hope it will help others. Back in the 1980s, my wife and I were considered an “infertile couple.” After years of trying, we were unable to have children. So, with much thought, we decided to adopt.

Adoption was a very long and time-consuming process. One of the requirements was to write a brief history of how you grew up. I wrote about playing catch with my dad in the weeds in the backfields and how he took the family on vacations almost every year.

Back then, our state had what they called “semi-closed” adoptions – only medical information was divulged. When we submitted our stories, our caseworker went through them to redact any identifying information. Those stories, along with other information, were part of our file. Our files were given to the birthmothers. They would go through the stack of files to make their choice of parents for their child. When we submitted the stories, our caseworker told us that it’s just a waiting game, and that it could be another two or three years.

To our surprise, we got the call only two weeks later. A baby boy! We couldn’t believe it! I asked our caseworker why so soon. She confessed that, after she read my story, she thought we would be picked quickly. She explained that birthmothers aren’t looking for mothers; they are looking for fathers. They look for adoptive fathers who had a good relationship with their fathers. I’ve never forgotten that and tried to spend as much time with him and my other sons as I could. Please, dads, spend as much time as you can with your children. It will pay more dividends than you realize. – Forever Grateful Dad

Dear Forever Grateful Dad: Thank you for your heartwarming letter. You sound like a wonderful, caring father.