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I’m dreaming of a Neiman Marcus Christmas

I just noticed that Nashua’s Winter Holiday Stroll is a month from Wednesday – Nov. 30. That’s usually my cue to wax my Visa plastic in preparation for Christmas.

Who am I kidding? I’m a guy. I wait until well past the demolition derbies of Black Friday and Small Business Saturday. In fact, as you read this, I’m just now scouring store shelves for Halloween candy, hoping I’m not again forced to hand out the much maligned candy corn.

In true holiday spirit, I just borrowed the 2019 Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog from one of my rich neighbor’s mailbox. Their 93rd Christmas Book features gift ideas for the person who has everything. Sporting a net worth of $85 billion, Warren Buffett might appreciate the thoughtfully modest James Bond Aston Martin from the NM book. This limited edition set of wheels will set you back $700,007. Yes, they added an extra 007-dollars on the sticker. I’m recommending this pricey car not be driven down Kinsley or Concord streets next spring, lest your Aston Martini be shaken, not stirred.

We all spoil our dogs. They deserve it. Our pets rarely disappoint. Humans are more likely to let the family dog down than vice-versa. With that premise, the NM Christmas Book is offering a luxury dog house for $70,000. Your pup would be responsible for coughing up roughly $1,400 in Nashua property taxes. Upgrades available include a Perrier water dispenser, a 24-karat Ralph Lauren collar and 1,000 double-layer Yves St. Laurent doggie waste bags.

For the champagne aficionado on your Christmas list, NM offers the must-have $35,000 Moet and Chandon vending machine. Your dream machine comes stocked with 360 mini bottles of champagne. This exquisite bubbly pairs nicely with sushi, shell fish and if you’re sharing with your dog in her $70,000 she shed, the Moet also pairs with most Blue Buffalo dog kibbles.

If I may digress on the subject of vending machines, who has purchased a new car from one of those Carvana vending machines? You actually put a giant sized coin in a slot and your car is plucked from inventory, just like a bag of Fritos and delivered to you while you wait. No salesman taking your offer to his boss. No one selling you tire insurance you’ll never need. No upselling to undercoating. You pay ahead of time, drop your token and drive away. Doesn’t that sound like a perfect stocking stuffer?

Finally, this Christmas book of fantasy items is also loaded with watches, purses, French Fry Rainbow clutch bag and for the guy who “picks things up and puts them down,” consider the Versace punching bag for an embarrassingly cheap $1,550. Take out aggression on your boss, bookie or college admissions officer who denied your kid’s college entry with this bag. For $3,275, they will toss in a pair of Versace boxing gloves.

And if you see me buying any of the above stuff, you have permission to slap me with one of those $300 Versace ascots.