Dating Game: The do’s, don’ts and every hiccup

“Not if you were the last man on Earth.”

Nobody has ever said that to me, but I know a girl who does date a lot and has that printed on a T-shirt. I guess she never knows when she’ll need it.

Dating is difficult. It would be easier if you had a dating resume, with your accomplishments, likes, preferences, goals and favorite foods, colors and activities listed. References would be hard, because they’d either be from you mother or all your exes.

I think a good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie and their mom’s maiden name. Then login and read all their emails.

Relationships are even harder. Sometimes relationships are often just a bunch of apologies spread out over several days.

Call me traditional, but I think marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone and a man who finally caves after years of pressure.

I always wonder, why do I have to apologize for simply saying something that was just hilarious?

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison, is that in prison, they let you play softball on weekends.

Honesty is the key to a good relationship. If you can fake that – you’re in.

Ever wonder if the ghost of failed relationships past is just speaking to you through the shuffle on you iPod?

People that date complain when their mate is just using them for sex. Others complain that no one will even use them for sex. I just complain when someone uses me for my washing machine.

I have a buddy who said that if his girlfriend didn’t start being nicer to him, he was going to bottle up his rage and stay in that mediocre relationship for two more years.

I know a guy who, that when his date isn’t going well, he will immediately buy the girl breakfast and skip over the awkward petting stage of the date.

For some men, dating women is like dating a jellyfish. They have no understanding of how their bodies work, and they’re just plain afraid of them.

Relationships are like marathons, which are also stupid.

I think the dating process is just guys pretending that they like leaving their house.

Young people use dating apps on their phones. Older kids use a dating website on their computers. Adults use matchmaking services. Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events or at the retirement home. Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

I used to go on a lot of blind dates. I should have gotten a free dog.

I dated a stripper once, which is a lot like eating potato chips in church. You get tons of dirty looks but deep down, they want some, too.

I used to like to date school teachers. If you get it wrong, they make you do it again.

I have a friend who almost didn’t make it to a second date with his girlfriend. He didn’t open the car door for her. He just swam to the surface.

My friend refuses to date anyone from China. He says that’s a big red flag.

I have a friend who’s a little slow when it comes to dating. He gets excited when girls wink at him with both eyes at once.

People used to ask me why I was single. They’d say, “you’re intelligent, your good looking, you have a fun job.” I’d answer by saying, “I think I’m over-qualified.”

Sometimes, when I go to a restaurant and there is no seating, I take out my phone and loudly pretend that I’m talking to someone. “Man, you better come fast. She’s here with someone else!” Five couples immediately run out of the restaurant.

I asked a friend of mine what he’s looking for in a relationship. He said, “A way out.”

If I meet someone online, and they look nothing like their pictures, they are going to buy me drinks until they do.

I think date night is cheaper than couple’s counseling.

I was walking through Greeley Park one day and I saw a lot of lovers’ names carved in a tree. I don’t think that’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

My friend’s girlfriend said to him, “It’s not you, it’s me. I need to stop dating losers.”

I’m pretty sure that tingly feeling that you get when you meet someone you’re really attracted to is actually common sense leaving your body.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

It was Ingrid Bergman who said, “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.”