Mike Morin

I got an email from a dead guy today. Actually, someone I’d have enjoyed getting to know. But alas, he died in 1922, long before Al Gore invented the Internet.

I received the email from Alrxander Grahambell (actual misspelling). If I’m going to get spammed, I’d rather it be by a fake inventor than a faux Nigerian prince. Alrx wanted me to know that my Norton Protection Plan had been auto-renewed for $210. The most charming part of this email was that instead of “Dear Sir” or “Dear Mike,” Alrx’s greeting to me was “Dear Valubale.” As a substitute for “valuable,” this version is not found in my Scrabble Dictionary. If you want a good laugh, go through your email’s SPAM folder sometime.

CHANGING THE SUBJECT I: Not SPAM – CarInsurance.com has just released the top ten best excuses to avoid being issued a ticket when exceeding the posted speed limit. “I didn’t know I was speeding,” worked 26% of the time as the best way to get yourself off the hook. “I have to go to the bathroom,” comes in at #5 and worked 20% of the time it was used. Best ironic speeding excuse is, “I’m late for court,” which checks in at No. 9.

This may be the best speeding excuse story. It comes from a local comedian friend of mine. Rob was driving on 93, headed to a comedy gig. As he got the car up to 136 MPH, he took a photo of the speedometer with his phone while the other hand was on the steering wheel. At about that time, a state cop caught up and pulled him over. The officer mentioned he observed Rob taking a photo while exceeding the speed limit by about 70 MPH. While being admonished, the funny perp reached over to get a paper on the passenger’s seat to show to the policeman. It was a flyer for his comedy show destination – a fundraiser for a police organization. Guess who didn’t get a ticket? Ayuh.

CHANGING THE SUBJECT II: While picking up my dry cleaning at a local shop, a mother and her grown daughter came in to pick up their clothes.

“Do you still hand out free lollipops? I remember that when I was a kid and came here with my mom,” the daughter told the counter person. Sure enough, the employee reached under the counter and produced a small box of Tootsie Pops. The 20-something beamed while helping herself. Then it was my turn to ask for a freebie.

“Do you still give out free lobster dinners to your adult customers?” After a stunned second of silence, the mom, daughter and worker all broke into laughter. I couldn’t help myself.

CHANGING THE SUBJECT III: Look for beefed-up actor Mark Walberg, who had to gain 30-pounds for his role in the upcoming movie, “Stu.” The weight gain came from eating 7,000 calories a day. By my calculations, at 60 calories each, that’s close to 120 Tootsie Pops a day.

Contact Mike Morin at mike morinmedia@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @MikeMorinMedia. His column runs the first, third and fifth Sundays of the month.