Calendar options for a hilarious – and sometimes curmudgeonly – new year

Happy New Year, everyone. Time to put up that new 2019 wall calendar. But, are paper calendars going the way of rotary phones, 45 r.p.m. records and other Jurassic devices?

“Siri, what’s today’s date?” Your smart speaker will chirp the date faster than you could have consulted the wall for the 2016 calendar you never took down. And that’s a shame. Calendars today are used more for art and humor. Functionality is secondary. You can check your cell phone or laptop devices to get the correct date. Good thing fewer people also write checks these days. I’d still be writing 2018 well into February.

I love calendars. As a kid, I made my own. Strange, I know.

I still admire the funny ones I saw at the pop up calendar kiosks in the mall during Christmas shopping season. There are the usual cats with sunglasses and dogs wearing hoodies for sheer cuteness. But I love the edgier calendars, like Chihuahuas doing a different yoga pose every month. Now a Burmese Mountain dog in warrior pose would really be funny.

Tortoise in a Sweater 2018 calendar was just odd. Every month, there’s a new, lumbering tortoise wearing a crocheted sweater over its shell, looking like a knitted toilet paper roll cover with four legs. Someone’s nana had way too much time and yarn on her hands.

Dull Men of Great Britain is a typically understated Brit humor wall calendar I ran across. Another hilarious U.K. calendar I saw had this expression one month: “I’m on the Paleo Diet except I’m the caveman who invented Snickers.”

Nuns Having Fun caught my eye, as I’m the product of a 16-year Catholic school education. (No, I didn’t fail four times. I attended a Jesuit university, too). Here, we see sisters in full habits doing stuff that would have horrified me as a third grader. Sisters in bumper cars, nuns driving farm machinery, paddle boarding and nuns huddled outside catching a smoke.

Calendar themes have something for everyone. Cat lovers have no shortage of funny choices, many of which have an amusing cartoon for every day of the year, like Texts from Mittens – A Cat Who Has an Unlimited Data Plan … and Isn’t Afraid to Use it. And there’s the cat calendar page showing three felines hiking in the desert where the guide cat says, “This is the Sahara Toilet, the largest toilet in the world.” Giving dogs equal time, there are wall calendar themes like Fantasy Pugs and one called Corgi Butts.

No doubt you’ve seen beefcake calendars that, every month, feature a different buff firefighter flashing a naked six pack stomach under suspenders. Well, now you can get the Men of Mortuaries calendar, sans shirts, six packs abs and ripped arms holding shovels in a cemetery.

And you can always count on Hallmark’s curmudgeon sourpuss Maxine for a great calendar. I remember Maxine’s 2016 offering: “So Many Gripes – So Little Time.” Here’s hoping 2019 brings you more corgi butts and fewer gripes from Maxine.

Contact Mike Morin at mikemorinmedia@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at @MikeMorinMedia. His column runs the first, third and fifth Tuesdays of the month. This column is publishing late due to the New Year’s holiday.