Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I work in a small office with only four employees and one supervisor. Two of my colleagues and I are coffee drinkers. Instead of starting a coffee fund, we started taking turns bringing in a fresh container when we find the previous one is running low. This system has worked for us and has prevented any issues from arising.

What we do have an issue with is our supervisor helping himself to the coffee without ever offering to chip in for his share. This has been going on for almost a year, and the three of us are really getting fed up. It has gotten to the point where we will purposely get less coffee just so he won’t have a chance to get any. I realize this might be petty, but I don’t know how to make him understand that he is taking advantage. All we want is for him to contribute his fair share.

How can we approach this subject with him? What can we say to make him realize he is in the wrong? – The Fa“brew”lous Three

Dear Fa“brew”lous Three: The way you signed your letter indicates an exclusive club in which outsiders might not feel welcome. Now, since the troublemaker is your boss, the three of you have to make a decision: Is it worth it to upset your supervisor? If not, then decide in advance that the three of you will pay for him.

But if you really resent that – because it is unfair – then I would suggest putting a coffee plan for the office in writing and asking everyone who drinks coffee, including the supervisor, to participate. The plan should be impersonal: If three workers participate, the cost – or responsibility for bringing a container – will be so much, and if four people participate, the cost per person will be that much less. If he refuses to participate and continues to drink your coffee, then you can either tell him to cut it out or report his behavior to his boss.

The main thing is to keep it impersonal. Don’t attack him for being a mooch. Just lay out the numbers for everyone to see.

Dear Annie: My husband of almost 20 years died in a motorcycle accident. Since then, I was unintentionally reacquainted with my first kiss/boyfriend, “Fred.” We met again, literally, the same week my mom died. We both fell hard in love with each other.

After enduring numerous horrific drunken hurtful situations with Fred over a period of five years, who never told me he blacks out when he drinks alcohol, I am finding myself wondering how much of our five-year relationship he remembers. Does he remember it as I do? We live apart in our own houses.

He helps me a lot. He’s my mechanic, landscaper and handyman, and he’s also a friend. He knows that I’ve been dating and seeing other men the entire time we’ve been apart. Knowing that he experienced a traumatic head injury, do I dare try a relationship with him again? He doesn’t drink any longer. He said he has no apparent desire to. Do I give him another opportunity to make a life together? – Second Chances

Dear Second Chance: I’m very sorry that you suffered the loss of your husband. Fred sounds like he is trying. The fact that he does not drink anymore is huge and would change the dynamics of your relationship. However, without more specifics about this traumatic head injury, it if difficult to know how that could change your relationship. Are you ready to support him through any subsequent mental, emotional or physical traumas? If you love him, he loves you and you’re both going into this relationship with your eyes open, then go for it. If he starts drinking again or if you’re not on the same page, then it’s time to say goodbye to Fred.

Dear Annie: I am a stepmother to a beautiful woman whom I love very much. She has given us three beautiful granddaughters and a handsome grandson. Sadly, my husband has a very rare and very aggressive form of cancer and it looks terminal.

My question for you: Do I continue to be a stepmother after his passing? I know it’s most likely up to her, but I was curious about the proper protocol. This will help me determine how I introduce her to others. Will she always be my stepdaughter, or does she become my late husband’s daughter? – Stumped Step

Dear Stumped: I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. I encourage you to continue calling her “stepdaughter” and treating her as a daughter. You two will need each other more than ever in the years to come.

Dear Annie: A few weeks ago, my husband and I were supposed to attend a funeral of a very dear friend, two hours away from our home. The service was at 2 p.m. The morning of the funeral, I woke up with a migraine and quickly took some meds. I fixed my husband’s breakfast, and he told me he was waiting to hear from another friend about having lunch together prior to the services. I asked why he hadn’t told me about the plans, and he said he shouldn’t have to. (We’ve been married 50 years.) I was hoping for a little more time to allow the migraine to diminish and told him that. We would have to leave by 10 o’clock, and I had not even showered.

Instead, he started accusing me of not letting him see his friends. He was livid and left to go alone… at 10:00 without having heard from anyone. The funeral was at 2 p.m.

My migraine had not gotten any better (and the circumstances probably made it worse), so I ended up staying home.

Was I wrong to be upset because he didn’t share his plans for us with me? If he’d told me, I could at least have tried to get ready to leave earlier. – Sad Wife

Dear Sad: Talk to your husband about what happened. But rather than focusing on who was wrong or right, simply let him know how it made you feel.

While there’s no good excuse for his storming out in that manner and leaving you behind, I’m inclined to give people more leeway right now. Everyone is feeling a little on edge lately, more than a year into a global pandemic. Add to that the fact that you two had just lost a good friend, and it’s not surprising that emotions have been running high. I’m sorry for your loss.

Dear Annie: I think it would be beneficial for you to let your readers know about DivorceCare, a network of support groups offering a 13-week seminar helping people who have been through a divorce. People who are separated or divorced can get great help by visiting www.divorcecare.org and looking up a place that offers this fantastic program near their ZIP code. – M.S.

Dear M.S.: Thanks so much for recommending this resource. If someone is unable to connect with a DivorceCare group in their area, I’ve heard good things about the online support groups at Psych Central, which can be accessed at www.psychcentralforums.com/divorce-and-separation.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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