Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I recently had to go to a big-box store to purchase something that I couldn’t get online. The checkout lines on the grocery side of the store were six people deep, but if you looked beyond, to the other side of the store, there were no lines. I’ve been trying to teach family and friends this lesson – to look beyond themselves – for some time.

Every Christmas, I get invited to a gathering so I won’t have to be alone. While I try to converse with guests, since I don’t have kids or grandkids to talk about, I wind up alone at the party anyway. No one wants to talk about books or world events.

Counselors tell me to volunteer or get involved in groups. When I moved back to the town I grew up in and tried to get involved, I was told, “You’re not from here; that’s not how we do things.” After 25 years, I am still not welcome. Their social groups were formed long ago, and new members are not welcome. They can’t see beyond.

Everyone has been writing gratitude journals all year – things they are thankful for, such as children, grandchildren, work and health. It’s hard to listen to what they are thankful for, as I have health issues, which makes it hard for me to get out, and I am alone most of the time. They are so focused on things they are going through or thankful for that they don’t see beyond. They don’t see what others go through every day. Look beyond your world. What are others going through?

There is a second part of gratitude, which is to show gratitude to others. For 2021, thank others. Get away from social media, and make this the year you send that handwritten note or phone call to thank someone, even if it is for something that person helped you with years ago. Don’t include statements about you. Make it only about the other person’s act of kindness. If needed, rewrite it so that only a positive statement is left.

Look beyond the closest checkout line. Look beyond yourself. Others will appreciate it.

Finally, Annie, I want to thank you for including the words “I am sorry for what you are going through” in a lot of your responses. Being able to express that is a genuine trait few possess. – Wishing for True Friends

Dear Wishing for True Friends: You make a good point about “looking beyond,” but please, don’t be so hard on yourself or others. Seeing counselors helps enormously. Try not to take it all so seriously. Make a special effort to reach out and offer friendship to new people. You might find, similar to your observation at the big-box store, a faster lane to health and happiness.

Dear Annie: I have a beautiful daughter in her mid-20s. She is attractive, bright, friendly and hardworking. She has so much going for her. She does have a peculiar bad habit: She picks her nose in public. It’s not just a quick pick when no one is looking. This is a thorough deep cleaning without a tissue.

I have tried to talk to her about this, but her response is: “People need to accept me for who I am. If they don’t like me because I pick my nose, I don’t need them as friends.” I can’t help but think that her behavior is more than just a bad habit. I think there is a deep-rooted problem that drives her to do this. I think she uses it as a test to see whether people accept her and, perhaps, to drive some people away.

I have discussed this with other members of our family and her friends. They all say about the same thing: “If she wants to pick her nose, let her pick her nose.” I love her and want to see her succeed in life. I think her habit is holding her back socially, and it may affect her in her future career. I can’t help but think that this a form of personal sabotage.

I don’t know how to continue bringing up the subject and find the right words to encourage her to take a good look at her habit and understand why she is doing this. I hope you have some ideas for me. – Dad Who Cares

Dear Dad Who Cares: Ick. On the one hand, the friends and family members are right. You can’t force someone to give up a bad habit, no matter how gross or self-destructive the habit might be. On the other hand, I can’t blame you for trying. If the social damage doesn’t deter her, fine, but she should consider the damage to her health. According to New York University otolaryngologist Erich Voigt, picking your nose introduces germs while also “causing little abrasions,” and the blood from the abrasions then provides food for the germs. That means your daughter’s nose could be home to dangerous bacteria. As I said earlier, ick. I hope she is moved to kick this nasty habit, pronto.

Dear Annie: I was watching the TV show about Queen Victoria when I read the letter from Paul in Sonora, who asked why American women are obsessed with British royals. It’s simple, really. In a monarchy, women have real power. American politics are all about men and their submissive little wifeypoos (and the side dishes whom the wifeys know all about but pretend not to). It’s refreshing to see a system that cannot continue without the contribution of strong women. There’s also the continuity. Even if a president’s family members are likable, they are gone in eight years. Whatever else changes in Britain, the royal family is always there. – Jane in Virginia

Dear Jane: Thank you for the insights into royal fever. I hadn’t considered these causes, but I think you’re onto something.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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