×
×
homepage logo
LOGIN
SUBSCRIBE

Don’t focus on scale: Wanting health and happiness for daughter

By Staff | Jan 2, 2021

Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I’ve noticed in the past several months that my 15-year-old daughter has been steadily gaining weight. I have struggled with my weight most of my adult life and absolutely do not want my daughter to have the insecurities and low self-esteem that I have.

She is not active at all, and remote learning isn’t helping the situation. I encourage her to make healthier choices but have to be very careful with what I say, especially because weight and self-image are such a touchy subject with any girl or woman. Is this something my daughter will have to figure out on her own? – Hoping You Can Help

Dear Hoping: The answer to your question – if this is something she has to figure out on her own – is yes and no. Take the focus off the numbers on the scale and move it onto feeling good in your body. If you start to walk and do a form of exercise that makes your body feel good, then she will follow you. Self-esteem is created from within; it’s not something we gain by looking a certain way.

Find a sport or activity that she might enjoy. Fifteen-year-olds have lots of energy, and she can channel some of that by being part of a sports team. It doesn’t matter if she is a good athlete; what counts is that she is having fun. I know that many sports are on hold for now because of lockdowns. By the spring, perhaps she can join a new team. In the meanwhile, the two of you could go for walks together, try yoga classes online or find time to dance to the latest TikTok craze.

Continue to focus on your own health and happiness, remembering that more is caught than taught. If she sees you exercising, making healthy food choices and being kind to your body, then she is more likely to make the same choices.

Dear Annie: This is addressed to “Confused About Cellphones.” A partial fix would be to take data off the phones. Our kids have cellphones that text and call only. They have internet usage at home on other devices, and this solution really helps! – A Different Way

Dear Different Way: That sounds very clever. Thanks for sharing.

Dear Annie: I met this guy on a dating app. He seems to be pretty nice, but he’s moving too fast. We have only been talking for three days, and he has told me he loves me several times. He seems to be genuine, but I have to protect my heart in case he’s not. I want to hang in there because I don’t want to miss out on a good guy. But he doesn’t want to take things slow. I’m not sure what to do. Please help! – Totally Confused

Dear Totally Confused: Part of a healthy relationship is respecting the other person’s personal boundaries. Saying, “I love you” after only three days of talking does seem fast, but you are the only one who knows in your heart if it feels genuine or if it could be reciprocated with time. These are questions for you to ask yourself. And while you’re discovering this, clearly communicate that you would like to slow down as you get to know each other more. If he doesn’t respect that, then you have to move on. The best guy is the one who respects your boundaries.

Dear Annie: I’m 76 years old and need to know if I’m behind the times where etiquette is concerned. I have never been married and have not been around “young folks” a lot, so maybe I’m just behind the times.

My only niece, “Marji,” a 40-year-old, invited me to Thanksgiving dinner at her home. There would be only us and her daughter, whom I’ll call “Robin,” and Robin’s new baby. Although there is no difficulty between us, I’ve never had Thanksgiving Day dinner at my niece’s house before.

As background, I have been helping Marji financially since her mother, my sister, passed away in 2018. Additionally, I am financially helping my great niece (my niece’s daughter). They live together and both work, but my niece has told me that they don’t earn enough to meet their modest expenses. They are aware that they are my only heirs.

The Thanksgiving Day invitation was made in person two weeks before, and I was delighted to accept. I was asked to bring a favorite side dish, which is no problem. There was no mention of any other obligation they had. Marji called me the night before to give me some details of the get-together. She said that I could join them between 1 p.m. and 3 p.m. That sounded strange to me, so I asked her if she had somewhere else she had to be later in the day. She said that she and Robin wanted to visit with the grandmother of Robin’s new baby. Robin is not married to the baby’s father, and I had been told that the grandmother was not in the baby’s everyday life.

I’ll have to admit that I was hurt by this backhanded invitation but want to give my niece the benefit of the doubt. Thus my question: Is it proper these days to invite someone to your house for a celebration dinner and then tell the guest that she must leave at a designated time? – Perplexed by Modern Etiquette

Dear Perplexed: These particular days, it’s really not proper to invite anyone to your house for a celebration. Maybe COVID-19 cases aren’t prevalent in your area, but that could quickly change if people are freely spending time indoors and unmasked with people from other households. I don’t mean to lecture, but friends of mine have lost loved ones to this disease, and I feel compelled to speak up on their behalf.

That aside, I understand why you’d feel snubbed with your niece changing plans at the last minute. It sounds as though she’s not in the running for hostess of the year. She and Robin care about you and the baby’s grandmother and wanted to include you both in the baby’s first Thanksgiving. They didn’t realize that splitting the difference would injure you. Trust that their intentions were good, and next year, communicate from the outset that you’d like to spend the day with them.

Dear Annie: Your response was spot on to “Not a Fan,” the reader who wrote in about her mate singing in the morning and putting on a performance in the evening after he came home from work. He seems like a happy chap! Singing, as you stated, makes people feel good even if they are terrible. And the things we dislike about a mate or good friend are often the things we miss most about them when they are gone.

I sing, too, and I stink at it, too. But guess what? I am in a band! And I am a happy chap, too! – Robert J.

Dear Robert: Keep crooning.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

Newsletter

Join thousands already receiving our daily newsletter.

Interests
Are you a paying subscriber to the newspaper? *