Annie Lane

Dear Annie: My young adult daughter recently had a milestone birthday, so I asked friends and family to send a birthday card to her. She received many cards. I was very grateful to the people who sent them.

In these days of COVID-19, a divided nation and natural disasters, a card can really brighten a person’s day. Plus, I am very proud of my daughter. She sent every one of the people she received a card from a thank-you note, saying how much the card meant to her. I feel like I raised my daughter right, with good manners.

So, just wanted to say: Send a card to someone you love. They will truly appreciate it. And if you receive a card, tell them thank you for thinking of you. Let’s support each other. – Observation

Dear Observation: I love the idea of brightening someone’s day with a card. There are other small things we can do, such as buying the person in front of you a coffee, giving genuine compliments freely and even just picking up the phone and calling a loved one. No act of kindness, no matter how small, is wasted. In fact, these acts produce a ripple effect, creating more compassionate and caring human beings taking care of one another.

Dear Annie: My oldest son and I always had a close relationship. I was a single parent since he was 11.

Once he married and had children, he became quite distant and overprotective of his children. It is very hard to get to spend time with him or his family, and when we can, it’s for a structured one-hour time limit. When his first child was born, we were told we could schedule a 30-minute appointment at the hospital and were told the times. Because of this time restriction, my parents didn’t get to go at all since their flight home was in the afternoon.

I hardly know his kids, and yet I am close and in frequent contact with my daughter and her family.

If we call or text my son, he replies days later, if at all. He is this way to the whole family, not just me. His girls are 1 and 5. I have only babysat the 5-year-old for two hours once at their home. He says he doesn’t trust that I will follow all his instructions to the letter with the kids.

What can I do to improve this and to understand? – Coping With a Changed Son

Dear Coping: I’m sorry you are being shut out of your son’s and grandchildren’s lives. Having love to give and having someone push away that love is painful. The saddest part is that your granddaughters don’t have the gift of a loving grandparent.

You don’t know what is going on behind the closed doors of your son’s marriage. His lack of trust in your ability to follow his rules and instructions shows incredible rigidity. While rules are important, flexibility is equally important, and your son fails to see this. Remind yourself of the old maxim “A daughter is a daughter for life, while a son is a son until he gets a wife.”

Just continue to be kind and appreciate the time you do get to spend with them. As far as what happened in the hospital five years ago, you have to let that go. Holding grudges will create a deeper divide in your family.

Dear Annie: I am in a relationship with a guy. He always talks about us getting married and having kids. We have been together close to a year. My problem is that whenever I’ve tried to discuss serious topics with him such as our views on sex, religion, finances and more, he brushes my questions aside and insists that our getting married is the most important thing; these other issues will work themselves out. I don’t want to enter into marriage with someone who shares different views on these fundamental matters, as it can cause divorce in the future.

I have doubts about him for other reasons, too. He acts indifferent when around me and does not really show care and attention for me. He sometimes tells me that he loves me so much and that is why he wants us to get married quickly. I feel he just wants someone to take care of him – do his cooking, laundry, etc.

I like this man, but his refusal for us to talk about these important issues scares me into getting fully committed. What should I do? – Strained Communication

Dear Strained: Religious beliefs, finances and the rest are all important topics to raise before marriage, as you wisely note. You don’t need to align perfectly in every department, but you do need to at least discuss them. The fact that he refuses to do so is a giant, billowing red flag. If I may act as a microphone to that little voice in your head: Run, run, as fast as you can.

Dear Annie: Recently, you printed a letter from “What to Do,” an older couple who are facing cancer treatment with no immediate family nearby. In times like these, I know that it is hard to trust strangers, but my heart pours out for them. Would you please share the following message with them?

To the husband: I will pray for your strength in the many new roles that you will face day by day and hour by hour. I will pray that God will give you the courage to allow yourself some quiet time each day to focus on your health. You must take care of yourself, if you expect to take care of her.

To the wife: I will pray for your medical team to give you the best treatment and care. And I will pray that you will have a strong determination during this journey; on the good days, be thankful, and on the bad days, focus on the good days ahead with your caring husband.

If trusting neighbors and friends offer to help, please let them. It will bring them joy to help you.

My mother fought a fierce battle with cancer in her late 70s, which included an extensive surgery and mega doses of chemotherapy and radiation. She decided to focus on getting better so that she could return to gardening. She thought about what she would be doing at the same time next year in her garden.

For three or four years after her battle with cancer, she had the most beautiful gardens. The blooms on the crookneck squash looked like giant yellow trumpets. This process of going from cancer to the garden was not easy, but it made each of us realize that each day is truly a gift whether it is raining, storming, hailing, or filled with blue skies. May God keep you in his healing and powerful hands. – Linda

Dear Linda: I found your letter so moving and uplifting that I wanted to share it with all of my readers. Thank you.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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