Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I come from a large family. Our mother died at a young age (39), and there were seven children at that time. Years later, our father married a woman with three children. One of our sisters lived with our mother’s parents until their deaths.

Eventually, our father and stepmother had a child.

The child living with our grandparents was apparently jealous of our stepmother and has shown it every step of the way. We all got along accept for her.

After our father died, two stepbrothers learned that they were only half brothers and had different fathers. Our stepmother had it rough with her first husband. He was mentally abusive to her, and she searched for support from others. Our stepmother forgot about the possibility of someone else being her son’s biological father, especially since the oldest one looks like his father.

Since this information came out, my sister-in-law and sister have been putting down our stepmom. They call her all kinds of names and none of them speaks to her.

Apparently, they don’t consider the fact that she married a man with seven children, with three of her own, and another on top of that. Two of our father’s kids were ill and have since died. This woman went through a lot in her life. Why can’t they just move on from there instead of being so disrespectful? – Sad Life in PA

Dear Sad: You sound like a person who has perspective, someone able to see life not just in black and white but in shades of gray, which it is. People are rarely all good or all bad, but judgments are formed by us viewing them that way. It sounds like your sister-in-law and sister, by putting on their judge’s robes and saying hurtful things about your stepmom, are stuck in this “all bad” type of thinking.

Your compassionate approach of seeing her as a woman who went through a lot in her life and who made some mistakes, as we all do, is very healthy. This same attitude also goes for judging your sister and sister-in-law. By bringing compassion to your conversations with them, they, too, might find some in their hearts for your stepmom. Simply share that you don’t feel right saying mean things about your stepmom, given all that she went through in her life.

Dear Annie: Your response to “Missing Love” was spot on. My beloved husband passed away eight years ago. It was not only his death that I had to deal with but the death of life as I knew it. Attending a spousal grief support group and being around other people who “got it” gave me the most comfort. Now, I help lead the group to pay it forward. Nothing can prepare you for widowhood, but people can help you through it.

I know. I’ve been there. – Know from Experience

Dear Experience: Thank you for your letter. I am sorry for your loss but happy to hear that you have found support through meeting others with similar experiences.

Dear Annie: Recently, you published a letter in which someone recommended putting a stamp on an election ballot, even if it had already had prepaid return postage, in order to hasten its delivery. That isn’t how it works.

The bulk-mail misunderstanding may stem from some election bureaus sending the blank ballots or applications to voters via bulk mail instead of first class. But the business-reply mail already is first class. And in many states, such as here in Pennsylvania, the county elections offices are making them postage-paid through one of several options; some might physically stick stamps on them.

I’m afraid you fell for “be sure to repost and pass along” misinformation on the internet. – John Z.

Dear John: I deeply regret sharing any inaccurate information about postage for ballots. I appreciate your (and several other readers’) setting me straight. Note that the process may vary slightly depending on your state. The USPS has stated that while those voting in states where prepaid postage is not provided should buy their own stamps for the return envelope, USPS cannot reject votes without postage. Readers can find more information by visiting www.usps.com and clicking on “Election Mail.”

Dear Annie: I had to write to ask your opinion on something that’s been irking me for years now: I know many people who only call me when they’re in the car. More and more friends are doing this; with everyone using cellphones (as opposed to home phones), you can’t tell if they are in their car when calling so you answer it. I feel I am being used to make their trip to wherever go quicker and fill in the void. Then they get to their destination and say, “Well, I am here,” and hang up. Oh, and don’t forget the commentary on other drivers or spying something different or whatever. Am I the only one who is bothered by people only calling when they are in their car? Am I just old-fashioned and need to realize that this is the new normal? – Call Me From Home

Dear Call Me From Home: It seems that long, leisurely calls from the sofa on a Sunday afternoon have gone the way of the landline, but we ought to revive the tradition. As tempting as it can be to catch up on calls from the road, it can leave call recipients feeling slighted, and, even more importantly, it’s dangerous. It greatly reduces our ability to recognize and react quickly to hazards while driving. These negative impacts hold true even with hands-free calls, according to a 2016 study from the University of Sussex. Researchers believe that this is because talking on the phone and driving compete for similar parts of the brain.

So, let’s be better drivers and better conversationalists. Save the long phone calls for home.

Dear Annie: This is a microcosm of what is happening in our society today. As individuals, and as a nation, we have done reprehensible things. Many insist upon “tearing out the pages” of our past.

A Russian friend told me that they were taught nothing about the history of Russia before 1917. As you once said: “Pretending the past didn’t happen won’t erase it. However, the love and gratitude (we) feel for the people in (our lives) today is what’s important.” – Concerned

Dear Concerned: Thank you for your thoughts about history during this political season.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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