Please stop shooting me with darts

Oh, you’re a puppy this morning. OK, well, try and keep the yapping down. Mama is still sleeping and I’m trying to get some work done.

Mama’s sleeping because you kept her up all night. It’s not fun when you come into bed with us when it isn’t even light out. I know you had a nightmare, and then you wanted to play baby elephant. And then you wanted to play blocks. Then you wanted to throw blocks. It’s just a it much before 3 a.m.

I know you’re two, but you’re killing me. I just need a little time right now to drink some coffee and get some work done. Where’s your big sister? She’s my only help after the big kids go to school. Maybe she can get you breakfast. Oh, she’s a puppy too. Well, she is five.

Do you girls wants some corn flakes? I said, do you girls want some corn flakes? Fine. Ruff ruff ruff corn flakes ruff ruff? Let’s get your “puppy” bowls and “puppy” spoons and we’ll …

Hey! Come back! Why are you two running away? I’m not a monster this morning. Please, I don’t have time to chase you, can we do Puppy Wars later? Can’t you sit at the table and eat?

Fine, fine, fine. I will be Daddy Godzilla and you two can be the Baby Godzillas and we can go destroy Tokyo right after we eat. You’re right, there’s only one Baby Godzilla. Well, the little one can be Baby Godzilla and you and be Mothra. Sure, you can be Princess Mothra who gets married to Han Solo. Sure, why not.

What was that? No, stop shooting me with darts. I’m not a vampire. I’m not a werewolf. I’m not a vampire and a werewolf. I don’t even think that’s possible. Alright, I’ll reload that dart gun for you but … And you shot me. Sure, but this is the last time I’ll reload it. I mean it.

What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to load the dart gun you use to shoot me with over and over again? Is this purgatory? Am I gonna wake up on the island from Lost? I’m not a bad guy.

Don’t shriek so close to Mama and Daddy’s bedroom. Mama is too still asleep. Because that’s what she said when I tried to dump you off in there.

No, we’re not gonna watch TV yet. Because once we turn it on, you kids zombify for a while and Mama needs that TV time to get her work done.

Please stop shrieking. Please stop shrieking. Please stop shrieking. No, barking isn’t better.

Honest, I will go out right now and buy you donuts. Lollipops, how about we get lollipops? OK, Donuts and lollipops. Sure, and I’ll get you some cola and pixie sticks. Just stop shrieking and running around. Please.

Let’s get shoes on. And little puppy, you need to have pants on. You can’t go out only wearing a diaper. Oh come on! You can’t keep running away every time we try and get you dressed. I mean, you can, obviously. You’ve been wearing the dinosaur shirt for three days straight.

I didn’t say you could have yogurt right now. I was trying to bribe you with treats, remember? I mean, if you want to have yogurt instead, knock yourself out. Just make sure the little one eats at the table. Nevermind, I see she’s already started painting the rug with blueberry yogurt. That’s fine. This is all fine.

No, you two can clean it up. Where are the baby wipes? No, those are dried out. We just bought some. Oh, and you’re right. I think your big brother did use them to clean his lizard cage. And the hamster cage. And the bird cages. There has to be something in the house.

Oh. Oh. Oh. The little one smells like we’re gonna need baby wipes for more than yogurt. Hey! Why would you do that? Why would you put your hand in your diaper and then wipe it on the wall? No, it is not a picture. When did you become such a savage?

Maybe there are baby wipes in the car. They might be cold. Maybe I should start the engine so I can turn on the heater to warm them up. You know, if I drive the car for a bit it will heat up faster. Maybe I’ll just pop off to the office. Or maybe I’ll head west until the gas runs out and then I can get out of the car and walk away and keep walking until I reach the Pacific Ocean. Maybe.

Oh look, you’re Mama’s already out in the car getting baby wipes. She must be driving it to warm things up. She’ll be right back. I’m pretty sure. Hey, let’s watch TV till she comes home.

Damien Fisher can be reached at 594-1245 or or @Telegraph_DF until he has enough gas money to go west.