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Hey, Gronk – hurry up and make a call

Alan Greenwood

Rob Gronkowski’s handlers issued a press release this week touting a New York press conference Aug. 27 to “unveil his next chapter.”

Good ol’ Gronk doesn’t simply announce his life’s pursuits, he “unveils” them.

Actually, it would be great for Gronkowski to simply go about his life’s chapters without the trumpets blaring. He can safely trust us to decipher what he’s up to. It’s not like he’s going to hole up in a windowless office and crunch numbers at a widget factory.

If Gronkowski signs up as a recurring character on a half-dead sit-com will we not know about it? Or if he becomes a professional wrestler, or talk-show host, or carnival strongman, the social media traffic will burst the Web’s seams.

Bill Belichick may even sign up for a Spacebook or My Face account to see what his Hall of Fame tight end is doing with himself.

And regardless of what Gronkowski says at his unveiling, it seems unlikely that he will declare himself completely divorced from football.

Frankly, at this point a flat statement – “I am officially, completely retired from football” – would be welcome. Better to let the fans know where he really stands than continue this increasingly annoying tease.

The chances of that are roughly the same as Gronkowski declaring he is embarking on a ballet career.

TIME TRAVEL: Aug. 15, 1969 – “Confusion reigned last night in Nashua Slo-Pitch Softball League action as the Nashua Royals showed up for a game but Shakey’s Pizza didn’t. Naturally, the Royals claimed a forfeit.

“This same game was declared a forfeit win for Shakey’s in a contest Shakey’s showed up for but the Royals didn’t. Naturally, Shakey’s claimed a forfeit.

“But both clubs were wrong, and because of a foul-up in the front office of the league, the game has been declared no forfeit and has been scheduled for Friday, Aug. 29, at Greeley Park at 6:30 p.m. The contest will be played only if it affects the standings of the teams involved.”

Both teams did, indeed, show up on Aug. 29. Shakey’s won, 8-1.

AND FINALLY: Check the boxscore of the Red Sox’ 5-1 win Wednesday afternoon over the Cleveland Indians. Yes, the Sox used seven pitchers who collectively allowed one run on four hits.

That’s nearly as ridiculous as the combined no-hitter by the Astros, who used four pitchers in a 9-0 win over Seattle.

And now we await the universal use of so-called “openers” who will pitch an inning or three and give way to a pre-determined batch of relief pitchers.

The word “manager” is fast-becoming the greatest misnomer in sports.

Contact Alan Greenwood at 594-1248, agreenwood@nashuatelegraph.com, or @Telegraph_AlanG.com.