All I want for Christmas …

With Christmas shopping season about to commence Black Friday with the fury of a Filene’s Running of the Brides, I put down my Costco sale flyer long enough to steal a glance at Esquire magazine. The feature, “34 Unique Gifts for Men,” seemed like it would be helpful for whoever gets my name in the holiday office grab (Human Resources doesn’t like the term “grab”) this year. Here’s my Esquire wish list for 2018. Hey, at least I didn’t wait until Dec. 21 this year.

Aero Garden ($160). Grows herbs indoors during cold Nashua winters. Better yet, I’d rather have a Snoop Dog Chia Pet kit ($20) that dispenses medical herbs in the event I break a hip and need a pain-numbing experience. (Grateful Dead CD optional) Add to my list.

Sartorial Sock Sorter ($240). Organizes your sock drawer into 15 compartments. This is great. With 15 pairs of socks, I can now have a fresh set daily without doing laundry for over two weeks. What man can’t appreciate that upgrade? Add to my list.

Hilflaneur sheet set ($400). As attached as I am to my threadbare Finding Nemo sheet set, it’s time for big boy linens. Before meeting Barb, Finding Nemo bedding was not helpful in finding a girlfriend. Add to my list.

Baratza ($139). A coffee bean grinder with 40 settings. Unnecessary after I finally learned the Starbucks jargon of Tall-Grande-Venti. And at Dunks it’s an iced decaf with Extra-Extra. I got those down. I don’t need 40 ways to grind my beans. Delete from my list.

Cuddle Couch for Two ($604). Looks good on paper. Trouble is, with our dog Basia, Barb and I are not afforded that kind of privacy any longer. If Barb and I crave adult alone time, we either have to take a vacation or sit Basia adown in front of the TV to binge watch episodes of Paw Patrol with a box of Milk Bone treats. Delete from my list.

Transnova Cloning Kit ($712). This is a service that takes your pet’s DNA and reproduces an identical new version. I might be in favor of this someday if they can edit Basia’s genes to eliminate her need to always create a threesome in our Cuddle Couch for Two. Hold just in case.

Aston Martin car ($2,018). Then I found out the price tag only applied to a test drive. I don’t recall James Bond ever having to fork over a couple grand to take his Goldfinger DB5 for a spin around Trafalgar Square. Delete from my list.

Black Tomato ($9,000). Learn the way of the Ninja. You’ll fight like a Sumo warrior and be fed Ramen dishes. So, I’m 155 pounds, and if a Sumo dude falls on me, do I get my nine-grand back? And nine large for Ramen noodles? This may be the worst of Esquire’s 34 unique gifts for me. Delete from list.

Just hit me with a Venti cup of Ramen noodles at Crane Restaurant on Pearl Street.

Contact Mike Morin at

mikemorinmedia@gmail.com or follow him on Twitter at

@MikeMorinMedia. His column runs the first, third and fifth

Tuesdays of the month.