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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Speedo unfit to be tied

Mike Morin

Just like a flashback from the old TV commercials for Special K cereal, I can pinch more than an inch of winter reserve around my middle these days. Actually, it’s more like a fistful of fat. We’re a week into February and due to wake up from our long winter naps in a month-and-a-half. I have serious work to do if my Speedo is going to fit this year for a visit to Old Orchard Beach.

Winter. What winter? Here’s the problem. I’ve spent the first half attending food and wine expos. These things are cocktail hours on steroids. You sample a lovely Chilean wine, then cleanse your palate with a 300-calorie morsel from a local restaurant before moving along.

Five minutes later, repeat the exercise. You’re supposed to try the wine and dump the rest into a community bucket, so that you don’t get wasted too quickly. That’s fine for wine, but I refuse to spit out my tenderloin slider into a community receptacle. As a result, 10 samples later, I’m feeling like the Michelin Man looks. See my problem?

For those of us who don’t believe in pacing ourselves, we find ourselves eating and drinking a vacation’s worth of decadence in less than two hours. That’s part one of my problem. Part two of my problem is the snow.

I’m not whining about the lack of the white stuff, but the lack of chances to get outside and work off the food and wine winter coat that I spoke of earlier. I count on several snow-shoveling opportunities every year to counterbalance my culinary indulgences. Typically by this point in winter, I would have shoveled 10 times and snow-blowed another five. It’s a great workout that I’m not getting this year. Instead, it’s calories in and more calories in.

Speaking of snowblowers, that’s problem No. 3. Following our 17-inch freakazoid Halloween blizzard, I sold my 8-year-old Honda blower and purchased a big-boy Ariens snow removal toy for $1,200. Ask me how many times I’ve used it since buying it on Nov. 5? Exactly one time. That’s it.

For those who like to amortize the cost of things, that works out to $1,200 per snowfall so far. Next time I use it, the cost drops to $600 per event and so on. $1,200 is three times what I paid for my first car. And I got to use my ’62 Chevy every day to drive to college.

I think I have a solution for food and wine show fans like me who are afraid to get on a scale this winter. It even follows the same bite-by-bite format of these events.

Someone should come up with an expo where you sample a power drink then step on a treadmill for five minutes. Then cleanse with a gulp of Gatorade and move on to the elliptical for another five. It’s a reverse food show.

I’ll thank you, and so will my Speedo.

Hear Mike Morin weekdays from 5-10 a.m. on “New Hampshire in the Morning” on 95.7 WZID. Contact him at Heymikey@aol.com. His column runs the first, third and fifth Tuesdays of the month.