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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Chips news alerts

Mike Morin

While you were away on vacation and ignoring the news, you may have missed a few things. For starters, the Brazilian press reports the story of a boy who attracts metal objects. When the 11-year-old kid gets near metal, it sticks to him like a magnet.

Is it possible this is Lindsay Lohan’s issue? She’s no klepto. She wasn’t shoplifting those bracelets, they stuck to her as she walked by the display case. As Johnny Cochrane might have said, “If the bling sticks a bit, you must acquit.”

The newest trend in vending machines is healthy snacks. Some companies are stocking them with dried fruit, carrot sticks and other good-for-you foods. Great idea. I’ve seen vending machines at the Vegas airport that sell stuff like iPods. Also, the Golden Nugget casino has a machine that dispenses gold bars and coins. What’s next in Sin City? A vending machine that sells marriage licenses?

How long until you can buy one of those cute little Smart cars from a machine? You’d finally be able to bypass the “Let me take this offer to my manager” tap dance you get from nearly every car salesman.

I believe you can get medical marijuana from machines in California. There are also vending machines that sell live fishing bait. Wouldn’t that be a surprise for a stoner with the munchies who thought he was buying Gummy worms? And can you use multicolored Gummy worms to catch rainbow trout? Just askin.’

Those nattering nabobs of nutrition are at it again. I saw a report a few days ago telling us that the No. 1 food responsible for weight gain in our lifetime is potato chips. Well, I have news for all my healthy-eating friends. Do not try to grab the bag of Cape Cod jalapeno potato chips from my cold, icy grip after I die. Please respect the dead and bury those bad boys with me.

And if potato chips are so bad for us, why hasn’t anyone sued a snack food purveyor for contributing to the death of a minor? Can’t you see it already, on the side of a bag of sea salt chips? “The Surgeon General has determined that eating potato chips is hazardous to your health.” I’d rather eat potato chips and die at 80 (if I’m lucky) than eat tofu treats and live to be 100.  In the grand scheme of the time/life continuum, our lives are but a blip on the screen. We’ll be dead way longer than we’re alive, so I say, bring me a wheelbarrow of Cape Cod chips and a margarita. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, which will be filled with family, good friends and eat-til-you-drop potato chips.

Since we’re talking nutrition, a new study by the University of Granada says that kids who are allowed to select which veggies they’d like to eat are more likely to eat more of them. Makes sense.

More Cape Cod potato chips, mom!

Hear Mike Morin weekdays from 5-10 a.m. on “New Hampshire in the Morning” on 95.7 WZID. Contact him at Heymikey@aol.com. His column runs the first, third and fifth Tuesdays of the month.