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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Amazing new diet discovery

Mike Morin

Did you overindulge with too many hot dogs and cheeseburgers over Memorial Day weekend?

Do you need to drop 1.9 inches from your hips in just 21 days?

Tell me how, column boy. Tell me how!

Maybe you should consult with your local barista. He or she may have a better handle on the latest weight-loss concept: leggings laced with caffeine.

But can it help you lose 0.6 inches from your thighs in just three weeks?

A product called Lytess Slimming Legging Pants is making headlines everywhere as a new way to lose weight by simply walking with these pants on. Here’s the product description:

“Made of fibers imbedded with caffeine and shea butter microcapsules, their slimming action is released by the friction of ordinary motion. Caffeine is well known for its ability to mobilize fats. Shea butter recognized for its moisturizing and emollient properties.”

Cost: $69.95. Compliments you’ll get from friends: Priceless.

And can I get a decaf version, since I often stay awake at night with restless leg syndrome?

Maybe Lytess could come up with underwear made of fibers embedded with nicotine replacement therapy to help customers quit smoking while losing weight, since both issues often conflict with one another.

I can already hear the coffeehouse chatter at Starbucks. “Is that a Venti in your pants, or are you just losing weight?”

Lytess hasn’t cornered the market on ways to melt unwanted pounds away like an icicle on a 70-degree March afternoon. Just google “weirdest diets” if you think I’m making this stuff up.

Have you heard of the cotton ball diet? As gross as it sounds, some desperate dieters eat cotton balls like cotton candy. No fat. No sugar, plenty of fiber. No, thanks.

Imagine being on the cotton ball diet and needing the inevitable X-ray of your lower G.I. tract. I can hear the radiologist’s rendering of the film: “Either our X-ray machine is broken, or your belly contains the new summer line of Gap T-shirts.”

I know many of you are already familiar firsthand with the divorce diet. It’s a diet that works better for women. Back in my online dating days, I found myself meeting first dates at restaurants, where I would typically order a 3,000-calorie meal while my dining companion would take four bites from a garden salad that didn’t even contain dressing.

Were these women nervous, or just trying to impress me with their healthy eating habits?

Have you heard of the hallelujah diet? Subscribers to this weight loss method must not stray from foods mentioned in the Old Testament of the Bible. That leaves mostly fish, unprocessed grains and wine.

I googled “junk food in the Bible” as part of my research and found no mention of Judas sabotaging the last supper by serving Hostess Twinkies or Cap’n Crunch to the apostles. The diet must work. Of course, that was the New Testament, so who knows for sure?

But the strangest diet I found? Consuming fewer calories. I know, it’s too radical to work.

Hear Mike Morin weekdays from 5-10 a.m. on “New Hampshire in the Morning” on 95.7 WZID. Contact him at Heymikey@aol.com. His column runs the first, third and fifth Tuesdays of the month.