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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Moles make a mess

Mike Morin

I miss winter already. I realize I’m the only fruit loop making such a public proclamation. Of course, temperatures haven’t exactly been setting the world on fire lately. That was 2010. One year ago today, our high temperature was 75 and it was 80 degrees April 3, 2010. Tops were down on cars driven by guys wearing Tommy Bahama beach attire.

I was rooting for more snow two weeks ago when a storm went south and our expected 4 inches never came. The reason I miss the snow? The winter was quite cruel to my lawn, and a nice layer of snow made the scars inflicted by Mother Nature go away. As the 3-foot blanket of white rested gently on my Kentucky bluegrass duvet, a family of moles decided to go on a mission to restructure my front lawn.

The Google Earth picture of my lawn must look like the subterranean Catacombs spread out under Rome as a limestone labyrinth. I had no idea a teeming community of insectivores had set up shop right under January’s frozen tundra. Now that the snow has receded, damage assessment begins.

I scrambled to locate my homeowners policy, hoping against hope that I had purchased the holy moley coverage upgrade. I didn’t. I did, however, buy the plague of locusts coverage. New Hampshire is long overdue for a grasshopper invasion. If they destroy what’s left of my lawn, I’ll just get a new one. Other coverage I bought includes protection against deer crashes through my glass storm door, snakes that come up through toilets and a new woodpecker (Woody Wood Plasticas species) that can actually destroy a house with vinyl siding like mine. But no mole coverage. Figures. So for now, parts of my lawn look like Carrot Top’s hair! I’ve flattened the mounds in hopes that grass will eventually cover the varicose veins my lawn has been sporting for weeks.

Condo living is regaining its luster. After two tedious weed-pulling summers, I finally beat the crabgrass. Then last season, my lawn was attacked by spurge. If I can just find a family of moles that love spurge and crabgrass, everyone will be happy except for the 14 lawn companies that are salivating at the thought of signing me up. Where’s a pied piper when you need one?

I just Googled “Pied Piper for moles,” and the search engine returned 776,000 results. I’m not sure what tune a pied piper would play to lure the little guys out of town. I’d much prefer they leave on their own and on good terms, instead of forcing me to contract a mole relocation specialist. I may hire a snow dance chief to get a temporary layer of eyesore relief. In the meantime, I’m gearing up for a game of whack-a-mole if those guys return!

Hear Mike Morin weekdays from 5-10 a.m. on “New Hampshire in the Morning” on 95.7 WZID. Contact him at His column runs the first, third and fifth Tuesdays of the month.